Alister ignored the way his hand ached to reach for Deion after he let go. Alister ignored the way his heart beat a little bit faster at Deion's confession. And Alister ignored the way his mood began to change again. Now was not the time for him to feel bad, to feel sorry for himself, to be depressed. Not after what Deion just shared with him. Now was not the time. But no matter how hard he tried, and he really did try, he couldn't change the way his mood shifted. That's the thing about his disorder, it wasn't a choice at all. It wasn't his choice to be depressed, it wasn't his choice to be sad, and it wasn't his choice to want to kill himself. He couldn't affect the way he felt any more than anyone else with his disorder could. He was completely victimized by his own mind.
"Where should we go next?" Deion asks and glances at Alister who sits beside him.
"Hey, are you still feeling alright?" Deion asks genuine concern, filling his green eyes. Green eyes that remind Alister of emeralds and the rainforest.
"Not really," Alister replies in a soft voice, staring out the window. Deion nods slowly.
"I'm sorry," Alister whispers and Deion looks at him evidently confused.
"After what you just told me, I shouldn't even be the one feeling this way. I shouldn't always be the one who isn't okay. I shouldn't be the one everyone worries about. I don't mean to take all of the attention or all of the concern, I really don't... it's just I can't help the way I feel, I can't stop the voices from entering my head, I can't," Alister rants and he doesn't even notice Deion's pulled over the car onto the shoulder of the road until he looks up a minute later.
"Don't. Don't ever even think that you have to apologize for what you feel to me. You shouldn't have to apologize to anyone about this. You shouldn't feel like you have to apologize at all. You can't control this, the way you're feeling is beyond either of our control," Deion says and Alister shakes his head staring out the window.
"Maybe it's not. Maybe it is a choice to be happy, one I'm just not making," Alister says and Deion slams his fist into the steering wheel.
"Alister," Deion whispers, his voice complete with raw emotion.
"Deion, I'm okay with it really, I am. I've learned all that I can when it comes to my mood swings. I understand the highs and lows will come, some days will be better than others. But maybe I'm just not actively making the choice to be happy," Alister says and Deion sighs.
"Just don't... don't apologize to me again, alright?" Deion asks and Alister glances out the window before looking back and finally nods.
"Alright," He says and Deion nods before restarting the car and pulling off the shoulder.
"And, Deion?" Alister says and Deion glances at him.
"Yes?" Deion says after a minute of trying to decipher the look Alister is giving him.
"I'm driving," Alister says and Deion throws his head back in laughter.
YOU ARE READING
You Make Me Sane
Romance"Sometimes you just know. You just know when you belong with someone. Maybe it's how perfectly you seem to match your imperfect parts. Maybe it's the feeling of being sane for the first time in your entire insane life. Maybe it's all the moments you...
