The Lullaby Nights

♥ 21

NIGHT SEVEN

THE LIFETIME

NINA

There were moments when I could barely focus on my thoughts due to the pain that constantly troubled my body. There were moments when I had to clench my teeth in order not to wail. That's how hard it was to live with the knowledge of dying. There were moments when I felt restless, anxious and scared, but I'd suppressed it all, not willing to disappoint the human who mattered the most to me. The worst, however, were the moments that I couldn't control. Moments when I suddenly switched off or became half-conscious. I wasn't aware of what was happening during those episodes, but I was aware of the missing time in my head, and it frightened me. It frightened me because he must've known as well.

One can take down the devil if he really needs to, but what is one supposed to do when he finds the devil in the mirror? I could not fight my own body, but my body was fighting me.

Desperately wanting to avail of my conscious state, I grabbed Harley's diary and flicked through its pages until I culled a date that intrigued me. The note got written when I was already in the hospital.

07 August 2021

You might think that I'm mad, completely out of my mind, but I beg to differ. It felt good, walking into that store, pointing my finger at the glass display, picking the exact piece that I've had my eye on since the night Nina and I went to the beach, right before her birthday. I've already known back then, but today, holding it in my hands... I couldn't be more certain. I was sure of my decision. Some odd jobs throughout the past few months and a bit of help from my brother got me to this day. I finally bought the engagement ring!

I shut the diary with a slam. My heart pounded in my chest like crazy. An engagement ring. I was torn between crying tears of happiness and sadness. What was I supposed to do with that knowledge? I couldn't tell him that I found out. It would most likely force him to propose out of pity. After all, there must've been a reason why he hadn't done it yet. I couldn't blame him. No one wanted to marry a dying girl. No one wanted to become a widower at such age.

An engagement ring.

I involuntarily looked down at the fourth finger of my left hand. Did Harley even know the size of it? That nuthead had probably bought the ring without checking the measurements first. A sudden laugh burst out of me.

What I couldn't understand, though, was why had he given me his diary if that confession of great importance was written down in it? On the other hand, I remembered him saying that there was nothing in this notebook that he didn't want me to know. So did he want to or had he completely forgotten that the engagement part had been included within the pages?

Jaded by the uncertainty, I decided to look for an answer, considering such existed, but if it did, it could only be written somewhere near the end. It had to be one of the latest lines.

I riffled through until I found the desired heading — the last entry in Harley's diary.

18 December 2021

Dear Diary,

I guess it will be just you and me soon. Nina... she... No, I can't even write it down. Yesterday, the doctor told us the latest results. You can conclude what I mean by that. She's not getting out of this bed... The bed by which, I am sat now. Have you got any idea how heart-wrenching it is to live with this thought? The thought of losing someone in a period of a few days? Yea, a few days, because that's how many he gave her. Let's be honest, sometimes it takes me much longer to fold a bloody washing and put it back in the drawers. Nine days are nothing. Nothing at all.