The Lullaby Nights

♥ 24

HARLEY

The night was calm. I had my arm wrapped around Nina's waist. After the imaginary journey that I'd taken her on, she'd fallen asleep, and it seemed like she wasn't going to wake any time soon. If she was going to wake at all.

Stress clogged my throat. I felt my heart clench in a whirlwind of emotions, all of which related to Nina's impending . . .

I still couldn't accept the truth. Not even now, when all that was left, were maybe two nights. Two nights with my girlfriend. Two nights for me and her family to say goodbye.

I disengaged my cheek from Nina's and dallied my eyes over her face. It was pale and cold when I touched it, as if the winter that lasted outside, had relocated in to her body.

I stared at the courtyard. By morning, the flawless layers of snow that had blanketed it would become indented by numerous footsteps. Christmas had already begun, after all it was 4 a.m., but only in a couple of hours the hospital would fill with families and friends. Everyone would come, bundled up in thick coats, woollen hats and scarfs, stomping their feet at the entrance to lose the snow, which would cover their shoes like moss.

For some, it would be wonderful moments of bonding, celebrating not only the exceptional time of the year but also the prospect of their loved ones soon leaving this dispiriting place. For others, like me, it would be an anguish, an inner lassitude caused by endeavouring to forestall the wall of emotions from breaking, even though its bricks had already cracked.

And their cracks were rife.

They'd reached my heart and soul, spread further not solely to mine but also Nina's life, her parents', my brother's, everyone's who knew her, and were rapidly making their way to our future. The future of which, Nina would no longer be part of.

Two nights.

I couldn't sleep. I was scared. It wasn't the type of fright when someone jumped from behind the corner and grabbed you by your arms. It was that sort of dread that sprouted from a seed, grew its roots and eventually blossomed into a noxious flower. A flower with thorns so poisonous that once they impaled you, your mind was nothing but a notebook full of messy doodles scribbled in black ink.

Driven by that thought, I strained my arm and reached across Nina's body to obtain my diary from her nightstand. Once I had a hold of it, I turned on the skyline overbed light, hoping it wouldn't disturb her peaceful state. Luckily, it didn't.

Page by page, I kept on searching through the past, finally finding the desired ink canals among the paper waves.

1 December 2020

Dear Diary,

Broken. I don't think I'll be broken ever again. Being with Nina is sanative. She's an antibiotic for all that's bad. She's a Cloud in hell, a rainfall pouring down the scorching fire. She makes me whole. I never thought it was possible to feel this complete. But I do. 

Today we sat down by a fountain. The winter is mild this year, so they kept it on. I gave Nina a few pennies so she could throw them in the water. If you don't know, you shouldn't say your wish out loud because it wouldn't come true. Nina wanted to tell me hers anyway. I covered my ears but her hands removed mine from where I'd placed them. 'No, your wish will be waisted if you tell me,' I said to her, and do you know what her response was? 'Everything I wished for is here, right by my side.' And then she looked at me with those big blue eyes.

It was just a few pennies but what came with them was priceless.

I closed the diary. My fingers rested on its black cover as I held the notebook against my stomach. Moments like the one I'd just read about used to be a norm for Nina and I. We shared a lot of memories, and I meant a lot, so I thought it was totally understandable that I was afraid such would never happen again, because they wouldn't. Not with Nina.