All Your Perfect Imperfections

Chapter Fifteen

-Devin-

I hated chemo.

I'd never felt this sick in my life. The nausea was so bad that I couldn't even smell food, and I'd refused anything the nurses tried to get me to eat. I snapped at my dad and picked fights with him over anything I could think of. To his credit, he hadn't tried to strangle me yet. I suppose the threat of me actually dying was enough for him to tolerate my behavior.

I was probably also on edge because I hadn't seen or talked to Avery. Being around him was the best part of any day and I hadn't realized how much I relied on seeing his smile and hearing his voice until now. We hadn't even texted, and it was starting to get to me.

My dad sat in the chair next to my bed, looking tired. Neither of us had gotten much sleep the last two nights or been able to nap during the day. "What can I do to help?" he asked. "Would TV or playing a game take your mind off the nausea? Do you want to give Avery a call?"

I shook my head.

"He can't see you over the phone. It's the perfect way to keep in touch."

"It's not about that," I snapped.

"Then what is it?"

A wave of sadness rolled over me, and I clenched my jaw and looked out the window, facing away from my dad. "Avery doesn't need to deal with this. I don't want to be a burden, and I don't want him to be inconvenienced by me having cancer. Work and his hiking trips or visits to friends shouldn't have to stop because of me. I don't want this to affect his life."

"You don't think worrying about you is going to affect his life? Devin, you can't pretend like nothing's wrong and shield him from the emotional impact. His boyfriend has cancer. That's going to affect him." My dad's voice was hard, and he seemed to catch himself. When he spoke again, he was quieter. "I think it'll help him if he can be here with you and make sure you're well cared for and have his support. Don't push him away."

I turned and looked at my dad. When he put it that way, it made it seem like I was being shitty to Avery, like I was stressing him out more. I took a deep breath and tried to put myself in Avery's shoes. If he was the one with cancer, I'd be absolutely frantic. I'd never want to leave his bedside, and I wouldn't even want to sleep because that would mean I wouldn't be watching him and making sure he was okay.

I knew my dad had a point, but it didn't help me feel any less terrified that Avery was going to decide this was all too much and walk away. Any guy would walk away. If I had dated any other guys before Avery, I knew I would have left if something like this happened. But Avery was different - he was special, and I'd never walk away from him. I also knew I'd loved him for months before he finally told me he loved me back, so I doubted his feelings were as strong as mine. How could I know he wouldn't leave?

-

My dad didn't say anything else about Avery the rest of the day. My nausea got worse later into the evening, to the point where I started vomiting. The nurses brought me a plastic basin that I could keep in my lap, and my dad tried to steady me as I heaved over the basin. I threw up until there was nothing left but bile. My stomach was sore from contracting and I just wanted it all to stop. I felt so awful that I decided I'd rather die.

My stomach contracted again and I brought the basin up to my face, but nothing was coming up anymore. I was so tired, but my body wouldn't let me sleep. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and my head swam. It was all too much.

"Avery," I whispered. I just wanted Avery. I didn't want him to see me like this, but I was quickly losing my resolve. I needed him next to me, his gentle hands on me and his soothing voice in my ear.