All Your Perfect Imperfections

Chapter Twenty Two

-Devin-

Two months had passed since I left the hospital and I was a third of the way through my at home chemo. I knew I should be grateful that I'd survived and was doing well, but I felt stuck. I wasn't putting on any weight and my hair hadn't shown any signs of growing back. I felt worse than ever about my appearance and the separation between Avery and I whenever I did a chemo cycle. I only had a week until my next one started, and I dreaded the sad expression on Avery's face when I'd have to say goodnight to him and sleep in the guest room alone.

I was a disappointment to him. And right now, instead of trying to spend time with him, I was hiding in our bedroom. I'd told Avery I was tired and wanted to nap, but I was sitting on the edge of the bed and aimlessly scrolling on my phone, not actually reading any of the words on the screen.

I heard the bedroom door start to creak open and looked up. Avery was standing there, trying to open the door quietly.

"Oh hey, you're awake," he said, smiling. "You wanna join me in the shower?"

Washing Avery's hair and running my hands over his body was one of my favorite things to do. I missed our showers together, and I knew it had been a while since I'd been in the shower with him. I craved the steam and the slide of our bodies together, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't let Avery see me like this. He'd be disgusted.

"No, you go ahead," I replied.

"Are you sure?" He stepped closer. "Come on, I'll rub your shoulders like you always do for me."

"I said no," I snapped.

Avery took a step back. "Okay."

I turned towards the wall and put my head in my hands. I thought Avery had walked away, so I let tears drip silently down my face.

But Avery was still there, and I felt the dip in the mattress as he sat down next to me. "What's going on?"

I just shook my head. Avery reached out and began to rub my lower back. He didn't say anything else, and I decided now was as good a time as any.

"I know we haven't been together long," I began. "I know this is a lot. No one expects to get into a new relationship and then have to deal with cancer. I know I'm not attractive anymore. You don't have to stay and pretend. I know you're going to leave eventually."

Avery was quiet for a long time. When I finally looked over at him, I was startled to see tears streaming down his face.

"I don't want that," Avery said. "To leave," he clarified. "I wasn't planning on it." His chin trembled and he tried to smile, but his lips twisted. "I just want you."

I started shaking my head back and forth in short jerks. "No, no you don't. Not this. No one wants this."

"Devin -"

"I'm trying to spare you. I'm giving you an out. You can walk away right now. Tell everyone I broke up with you."

"I'm not leaving."

My heart shattered. I didn't want to hope. I didn't want to believe Avery would actually stay. My breaths started coming faster, and I felt Avery's hands on me, gently guiding me back onto the bed. He held me close, his arms wrapping me in a protective hold. He was crying too, and I clung to him as if he were a lifesaver.

It must have been hours that we lay there, and I think I had drifted off to sleep at some point. Avery was running his hand over my head the same way he used to when I had hair.

"I'm going to get up," he murmured. "I still want to take a shower."

He kissed me on the forehead and rolled out of bed. He hadn't asked me again to join him, and I knew he wouldn't push me. Fear of his reaction made my heart beat faster, but I got up and followed him. I wanted to stand in the shower with him. I wanted to be with my boyfriend.