Chapter 101: Sixth Year: New Normal
Summary:
CW mention of sexual stuff in this chapter, but nothing direct.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Oh shadow love was quick and clean, life's a well-thumbed machine
I saw you watching from the stairs, you're everyone that ever cared
Oh lordy, oh lordy, you know I need some loving
I'm movin', touch me!
John, I'm only dancing
She turns me on, but I'm only dancing
She turns me on, don't get me wrong
I'm only dancing...
Mid-December 1976
After that, it happened often. He never initiated it; he didn't need to. Sirius came to him. Remus would find himself pulled into an empty classroom, or their shared bathroom - once or twice Sirius even crept quietly into Remus's bed, casting a silencing spell before forcing his shoulders down and running his hands over Remus's body, quaking with desire. Never under the covers though - that would be queer. He would scurry out as soon as it was over.
It almost always happened in a hurry. Remus knew that this was partly the shame of it. But he also knew that it was because they both just needed it so badly - when they were together their bodies buzzed with the want for each other.
No two times were the same. Sometimes they could be confident and bold, other times they were shy, and one needed encouragement from the other. Sometimes it wasn't even about getting off, and they were limited to just kissing - or at least, Sirius's idea of kissing, which was brutal, fierce, and thankless. Remus's lips felt scorched, burned raw, for days and days.
Afterwards they didn't talk about it, but - if time permitted - sat apart from each other and invariably shared a cigarette, silent until they were ready to fall slowly back into their usual jokey banter. Remus felt at those times that Sirius probably would have preferred to be with someone else. A girlfriend or - even worse - James.
I'm not the one he wants, Remus told himself, pitifully, I'm just the one that's here. The worst part was that he knew that it was enough. If Sirius only ever came to him in darkness and silence, then so be it. It was better than going without. That someone like me gets to have someone like him.
He had to share, of course. Whether it was Sirius's desire to hide what was going on, or he was simply unable to stay committed to one person, after Avni there were others. A parade of pretty, bright, cheerful girls; Florence and Daisy and Tessa and Eunice. Remus didn't think any of these trysts were serious, and in the beginning at least, he didn't begrudge Sirius his fun. I never asked for anything more, he told himself.
And Remus liked it being private. He had never been someone who liked attention, and he thought that even if it was a given that whatever he and Sirius were doing was no different to what Sirius did with any of the girls he got attached to, then Remus would probably still prefer that James and Peter did not know. Maybe he could have told them about Grant, one day, eventually - but not Sirius. It was too complicated.
He liked knowing that he and Sirius could be in a room full of people, and no one had a clue what they had been doing only the night before, or even two hours earlier. He liked getting away with it. He liked seeing Sirius with a girl, and thinking never mind, later he belongs to me.
He was allowed to be happy, after all. He was allowed to have something all for himself - especially as, in other areas in Remus's life, doors were closing, and things were being taken away.
