Hope

20. "I was still in love with her."

Annabeth

Crazy. Crazy. I'm going crazy. Hospitals are sooooo boring. Thanks to the shifts Ellie had arranged, I was only ever alone for an hour or so. However, I had been here for a week now and I was getting beyond frustrated that I couldn't do anything for myself.

Ellie had been acting withdrawn recently. She was always trying to make me feel better, keep me entertained but she wasn't all there. "Ellie, what's wrong?" I finally asked after watching her sigh for the hundredth time since being here. "What do you mean?" Ellie asked weakly. She looked tired, stressed and I knew her well enough that it wasn't just the hell our family had turned into.

She wasn't talking to dad, her mum was in prison and would be for three to five years. Ellie was living with Tommy for the time being, they clearly liked each other a lot but, there was something wrong there. "Ellie, talk to me. I know something is bothering you. Please, make me feel less of a sad case." Ellie laughed lightly and gave me a weak smile.

"I think I want to go traveling for awhile to find myself but, I don't want to leave you or Tommy." Ellie confided in me. I would have reached out to hold her hand if I could. "Hold my hand woman." I decided to order instead. Ellie laughed. "Ellie, I love you but, I think you need to do this. You've been sheltered all your life and pushed to do everything you have done. We can FaceTime all the time and visit each other whilst your being Dora the explorer."

"Oh shut up."

"I'm serious. Ellie, I think you need to do this. Stop worrying about me, I'll be fine. I'm invincible." Ellie gave me a questioning look whilst looking at my condition. He questioning look moved to a pointed one. "Well, I didn't die, and the weddings were cancelled. I call that a win."

Ellie laughed but rolled her eyes at me. "Any advice when it comes to Tommy?" Her voice was quiet. I knew she cared a lot for him but, she needed this. Ellie just had the difficulty of doing things for herself. "If it's meant to be, it'll happen, even if it's in a few years. Go and talk to him, Rick will be here soon anyway."

The shifts given were

Friday night - Sunday evening: Rick.

Sunday night- Tuesday morning: my mum.

Tuesday afternoon -Thursday afternoon: my dad.

And Thursday evening - Friday evening: Ellie.

It had been working well so far but I really was going insane. "I love you Beth, so much."

"I know and I love you too, Ellie. Now go. Tommy awaits. Wear protection." I didn't miss the eye roll I got on her way out. I liked getting reactions like that though. It made me feel like things were normal. "Hey, Beth."

"Mum? What are you doing here?"

"It's visiting hours and I find it difficult not being here with you when I know you're suffering."

Anytime I said mum now I felt happy. I didn't have that initial, for fuck sake this is my mum, feeling. I could see how much my actual mum loved and cared for me. It wasn't her fault that she wasn't part of my life for so long. She loved me, wanted what was best for me and it was my dad who stopped her from seeing me.

"I've been wondering mum, what made you have that affair with dad? He's a dick."  She chuckled a little as she came to sit by me. Her smile was nothing but genuine which made the think it wasn't just a fling type affair.

"He wasn't always. He was nineteen when he was forced to get engaged to Uma. They married at twenty and I happened to be working at their wedding." I grimaced. "I know, that makes the affair sound worse, just let me finish." I nodded my head and she took my hand.

"I hadn't long turned seventeen so I was daft anyway but, I happened to hear your dad, crying, shouting and throwing things in the changing room everywhere. So, I went to check on him. He had a break down. I offered my shoulder to cry on and a friendship after the wedding. It turned into more of a friendship. You came along just before I turned eighteen. Your dad and I had never been so in love and after about ten months of being together we figured it was time to come clean."

"I'm guessing that didn't go well?"

"Oh, no, no, no. It was an utter disaster. We were forced to break up or they would have ruined my family. I wanted to keep you but, your dad pointed out the financial side of raising you, the having to actually have a home of your own and a stable job, which I didn't. Unfortunately I was kept from seeing you. No one even knew that Nicholas would give me frequent updates and agreed to move you near me when you did move out."

"That doesn't answer my question mum. Though it does answer many others." She sighed and gave my hand a squeeze. She brushed my hair from my face and looked me hard in the eye. "We were friends who fell in love. I fell in love with a broken, married man. You can't help who you fall in love with, honey." I nodded my head in understanding. I couldn't help falling in love with Richard. Things would have been so much easier if I hadn't but, I didn't regret a moment.

"Paul knew about me?" My mum smiled brightly at the mention of her husband, my stepdad. I could see how in love they were and that was after having three boys. I couldn't even imagine how difficult that would have been.

"Yeah. Paul and I had been seeing each other for a few months after being set up. I hadn't really thought much about the relationship. I didn't feel like I was ready to move on because I was an awful mum. Well, one day; I was looking through all the updates your dad had given me, and he turned up. I ended up telling him everything. Paul was so sweet, so lovely and reassuring about it all. He didn't judge me or feel sorry for me, he admired my strength and, I started seeing him in a new light. Things only went up from there, we married when I was twenty-two. Then you know the rest."

I smiled brightly. It was nice hearing more about her and knowing she did in fact want me. "Don't be too hard on your dad, Beth. I'm the only woman he's loved and when I got married it nearly destroyed him. He nearly tried to stop it. I know because I caught sight of him running to the church. I told my brother to keep him out."

"Why would he go along with all of it, then demand Ellie and I to marry along with being a dick to me?"

My mum sighed and glanced to the door to see the devil there. They had obviously planned this. "Because I'm an awful person? I've been a lost soul since marrying Uma and just let everything happen around me like a blur. It's why I was always working. I was miserable. You look so much like your mum, I found it hard to look at you. You've always been so much like her Annabeth, and I was still in love with her." I noticed he refrained from something else. It didn't take a genius to know what but, he lost his chance.

"I was threatened in many ways. Into marrying Uma, the threat of basically being thrown out on the street. Leaving Emily, they threatened to destroy her family as she said. They would have ruined all their lives; I couldn't have that. Then, you know how your mum, Uma is; she has a way of getting what she wants." Well, I agreed with that. "I just hope you, Elenor and I can all start again."

It was frustrating to see how my dad still looked at my mum with adoration. He'd never had the chance to move on to someone he was in love with. All he had was me, the reminder of the woman he loved but lost. I couldn't imagine how painful that must have been. My mum was happy though, happily married with three kids. It made sense now, all the times he would go a wall and be a drunk for a time, it was each time my mum had a son. He wished it was with him. "I'm sure we can dad. Maybe you two can be friends again? You could set dad up with someone."

"I don't think that's a good idea, honey." My dad looked like he'd been slapped in the face. I tried to observe my mum as she changed topics to Richard. She still had feelings for my dad. I guess it was partly because there was always going to be that, what if? They never chose to be apart so I didn't blame the curiosity. However, my mum's reluctance to spend time with my dad, concerned me.