Hope

21. "Goodbye, Ellie."

Elenor

Beth was right, I had to do this. I needed to do this and on my own. I was waiting anxiously to tell Tommy about all this in what was recently, our room. We hadn't had sex since the first time and now, I felt  like he was going to resent me for seducing him in taking my innocence.

I had booked my first flight over to the US, New York was first on my list. Travelling through the US one year, Australia the next and Asia after that was the plan. Three years, I figured that would be enough time to find myself. I had brought up the courage to talk to my dad who was all for it. Like I expected, he apologised again and said he'd do anything for me.

I was leaving in a week. I refused to let fear stop me from taking this adventure. I knew myself well enough to know I could easily chicken out.

"Hey, what's going on?" I had books about travelling all over the bed with my laptop open, with a page about packing for travelling up. "You going somewhere?" Was Tommy's next question as I bit back my tears. "I want to go and find myself. I care about you so much but, I have to do this." I near to whispered. I felt so much sorrow from seeing the mix of pain and anger on Tommy's handsome face. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him. "We could always enjoy our last week together then, try long distance."

"No. Long distance does not work, Ellie and, a week? Really? That desperate to leave us all?"

"You know that is not why! I hate that I'll be leaving you all but I have grown up, forced to do what everyone else wanted me to. I haven't a clue who I am or what I want. I have to do this!"

I was amazed at how strong and determined I sounded. It just proved how passionate I was about this. No one was going to stop me, no one. "Whatever. So what? One week then end?"

"Since you don't want long distance. It's that or just part now." Tommy's tongue ran along his teeth and I felt tears start to stream down my cheeks. I felt awful. So much had happened recently to cause stress and pain and I was now the cause of some of Tommy's.

"We shouldn't have slept together." He suddenly said, killing me inside. "What?" I choked on a sob. I felt like someone was driving a dagger into my heart but, it was my own fault. "You used me, used me to lose your fucking v card so it'll be easier when you actually find someone you like."

I quickly moved to cup his cheeks and force Tommy to look at me. "That is not it. I want to be with you. I just have to go. I wouldn't have suggested long distance if I didn't want to be with you."

Tommy took a breath. "Just pack and go. We're done. Goodbye, Ellie."

A few moments later, I heard the front door slam. I was soon crying my eyes out like I never had on the floor and curled up in a ball. When I did finally pack, I was still crying, but it was becoming more hiccups now. I was running out of tears.

Tommy was coming through the door as I was coming down the stairs. He refused to look at me. It broke me. It actually broke me. "Here's your key. I'm sorry, Tommy." I felt his eyes on me as I left the house and filled my car. I refused to look back. It would have only torn my heart into more pieces.

When I was in the car myself, I finally looked up to see his intense gaze on me. I didn't want to leave. It hurt. It hurt so much as I put my car in reverse and headed out. I had to pull over half way to my dad's. Tears were blurring my vision and I couldn't go on without risking a crash.

How did people do this? Put themselves before others for once? I had hurt someone I cared about so much, hurting myself in the process. I hit my head against the steering wheel. I could do it. I could move forward and learn who I am. I would miss everyone so much but I needed to do it.

Through the week, the ache in my chest started to dull more and more. Other than Beth, I hadn't really interacted with anyone. I was too busy packing and preparing myself for the trip. I was terrified but I had Beth constantly supporting me when ever we spoke or saw each other.

It was my last night when I decided I had to do one last thing before I left. I headed to see Tommy. I didn't go to try anything. I just wanted a better memory of us saying goodbye than the one I had.

I wasn't surprised to see he was stunned to see me there. What did surprise me was to see another woman wondering around his home in just his top. I pursed my lips. His eyes were wide before narrowing. I didn't have a right to be pissed but, it didn't make this hurt any less. "I wanted to have a nicer memory of us saying goodbye but, I see that was pointless. I'm glad you can move on so quickly. Goodbye."

Stupid tears were brimming in my eyes as I spoke. Could he not see that I really did care about him? That I didn't just use him? I wasn't willing to find out. I retreated to my car and sped off, ignoring him calling my name. I was not equipped to handle this.

I had to pull over again. I should have just left things how they were. I stayed where I was for a while just sobbing. I waited for my tears to stop to head back. My eyes widened to see Tommy on the door step. "Tommy?"

I knew my makeup must have been everywhere and my eyes were red raw but I didn't care. I was just trying to ignore how much my heart was racing from him being here. "I want a better goodbye too. I'm sorry about that girl. I'm just upset that you're leaving. I didn't mean what I said either. I know you care about me. Plus Beth gave me an earful for being such a dick and an idiot."

"I honestly don't know how to do a good goodbye. It hurts just thinking about leaving you, even if it's not for forever."

The distance between us had been large up to now. Now Tommy was towering over me, against my car. "I understand that. It kills me just a little but all we can do is try. So, goodbye, Ellie. I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too, Tommy."

Tommy cupped my damp cheek and slowly kissed me. I tried not to cry. This could have been our last ever kiss. I wanted to savour it. We pulled away when we were out of breath. "Goodbye, Ellie." I watched sadly as Tommy headed to his car, barely able to cry out the word. "Bye."