belladonna | marauders imagines

James | Funerals

It began with a funeral, like it always did.

It was ironic, really. Two weeks ago, James was about to tell you how he felt about you when Sirius announced to the room that he got a letter regarding his brother's demise. One second, James was witnessing your breath-taking smile, and in the next, he saw it fading away, only to be replaced by something eternally tragic.

He knew you were close to Regulus, and was jealous of it at one point, but he'd rather have you with Regulus every single day than see you unhappy. He noted how you acted like you weren't much affected and tried to console Sirius instead. James saw how you were breaking inside just as much as Sirius was.

The smile he watched fade away didn't come back anytime soon.

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The next day, James wasn't sure where you were gone, but he was only half-surprised when he saw you stood before the sea, watching the waves crash as if you were waiting for someone who'd never come back.

"Hey," he called, coming closer. You took no notice of him.

"Are you okay?" He asked, then mentally facepalmed. Of course she's not okay, you jerk. Her best friend just died.

"I wish Kreacher hadn't told him about anything," you whispered, your eyes not moving from the horizon. "I wish Reg told me what he was planning to do before he left."

"I'm sorry," James sighed, unable to stay silent any longer. He needed to help her, not see her in distress. "Regulus was a brave man."

"He was a boy," you snapped, fighting the tears off your face. "He didn't get to grow up. He didn't get to do anything! He didn't get to hear that his brother loved him or that he wasn't alone. He didn't get to know any of it."

"Despite what you think, he didn't die alone," he said softly. "I know Moony, Padfoot and I haven't been that friendly with him, but he had you. He was never alone. Regulus Black felt a lot of things in his lifetime, but loneliness wasn't one of them. Not as long as you were with him."

He was relieved to see you silent. He thought you were turning his words over in your head, maybe believing them slowly. But within a second or two, you were glaring at him with as much spite that you had while you were glaring at the sea.

"Why, James?"

He was momentarily distracted by how you called him James instead of Prongs, that he didn't understand the question.

"What?" He blinked, confused.

"Why weren't any of you friends with him? Why was it just me?"

He was taken aback. "That's not fair, Y/N. His death is not our fault."

"I know that!" you shot back. "But why did you always look like you held a grudge against him? I can understand Sirius, and even he was almost nice to him!"

James clenched his teeth, anger surging through his veins. He knew it was a bad day for you, and that he should just listen to these words and hope you'd feel better soon, but it was hard to not feel anything when the person he secretly loved was yelling at him.

"Why?" You repeated, practically begging. "He did nothing to you."

This was the part James never thought he'd have to confront. He knew he used to glare at Regulus whenever the opportunity presented itself, but that was only because he didn't like how much the two of you spent time together. You were in Regulus's year too, which meant you both had a lot of classes together. James was petty, he was jealous, and that led to a few harmless pranks.

"Okay, answer me this," you said quickly. "What's up with you and Slytherins? Why do you always act like you hate them?"

"I don't like them," James replied. "How is that news to you?"

"Holy fuck, they did nothing to you!"

"They are mostly death eaters and-"

"You can't judge all Slytherins based on their stereotypes!" You were yelling now, and you didn't care. "Sure, people like Lucius deserves to be pranked, but to you, all of them were Lucius! You couldn't tell apart from your friends from foes!"

"I don't have any friends in Slytherin," he said, throwing his hands into the air. "Why is any of this relevant now?"

"You do have friends - Narcissa always cheers for you when Gryffindor plays against Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw. Andromeda is the sweetest being ever, and Regulus fucking Black drowned in the sea to prove that he wasn't bad like how most people assumed him to be!" 

Tears fell down your face, and James almost broke down on seeing you this vulnerable. He wanted to hug you or cry with you. He wanted to say sorry a thousand times over, but he couldn't do any of those things while you were looking at him in distaste. Maybe you did need to scream a bit, and James didn't mind being at the end of it.

"Some Slytherins," you began again, testing the cruel words in your mind before saying it, "were bad. They disliked muggle-borns and made sure they felt unwelcome in Hogwarts. You, my dearest friend, did the same thing to the rest of the Slytherins."

"I get that I messed up." James found his voice almost cracking. "I may have gone a bit far with the pranks. You could tell me to stop instead of shouting like you hate me, okay? Heck, Y/N, you could tell me to wear Slytherin robes and dance around the Great Hall chanting about how I fucked up, and I'll do that too. I'll do anything you want me to do, just don't-"

"You're a bully, James." You felt a breeze brushing past your hair, one that was as cold as your words.

He steadied himself by taking a deep breath. "You don't mean that."

"I'm not saying you're the cause of Reg's death. But you're still as cruel as Lucius if you judge someone even before you talk to them," you said through gritted teeth. "If Regulus was here, he'd say I'm being unreasonable right now and that I should leave before I make anything worse, but guess what? He's not here. So I'll say this too—"

James should have walked away then, but he was rooted on the spot.

"—Sometimes, I think you're funny." You said, wiping off your tears. "Other times, I think you're nothing but mean."

"You hate me then?" he asked, feeling his heart break.

"Take a wild guess," you said in frustration, and walked off.

James was surprised to feel his cheeks wet. How long has it been since his tears started to fall? He was far too immersed by your words to notice them.

He looked at the waves crashing against the shore. How different things would have been if Regulus was still alive! He could have confessed his feelings, and maybe Y/N would have said no, but there was always a chance of being happy with her. He yearned to be happy with her.

He decided then that the sea was cruel. The sea took away Y/N's best friend, and now it took away his one chance at happiness.