1 am || dreamnotfound

fourty - four

clay's nose was still buried beneath nick's chin, hands gripping fabric tightly as he cried.

they've been sat here for so long, still waiting for a nurse to come and tell them something, anything.

footsteps.

and as if answering his prayers, a kind voice spoke, "you guys can go in there for a while, but he hasn't woken up. right now, we'll have to wait."

clay sniffled, lifting his head and following the rest of his friends. all their eyes were bloodshot and tired and their steps were drowsy, but they refused to fall asleep.

as the nurse opened the door to george and let them all step in before she closed it, deja vu hit him like a brick. when ally was in the hospital.

silence.

george lay still, arms crossed over his stomach. at the look of him, clay let out a breath, dropping to his knees beside the bed and hiding his face in his boy's blanket, now crying openingly.

someone rubbed his back gently while crying as well, punz.

karl said, "c'mon buddy, you gotta wake up, you can't leave us like this, we have to many unfinished adventures."

"yeah," alex added. "i mean c'mon, we need to visit more haunted places, right? oh! and maybe watch a scary movie in one." his voice cracked.

clay choked on a laugh. "okay, no, that's terrifying."

"well then, what about a flower field! just for fun, running around and chasing each other?" alex said.

"that's gonna make me cry even more," nick mumbled from the other side of george's bed.

"oh! a lake! we just find a lake and swim until we freeze our asses off?" karl suggested.

"i bet you'd be the one complaining," alex said. "you'd definitely be out in ten minutes."

"'cause you're a pussy," he added.

there was an echo of a giggle on clay's mind. george. he would've laughed.

but it wasn't real.

and all of these were fantasies.

they all sat and talked quietly, hoping george would say something, anything, and maybe join in their conversation with a croaky laugh.

a long beep caused clay to jerk his head up. deja vu, again.

flatline.

nurses were already rushing in, no doubt nearby in case something were to happen. one was ushering them out.

clay refused. "wait! please, please, please, let me st--"

"i'm sorry, but just stay outside for now. we're going to do the best we can to save him, honey," she said gently.

clay chewed on his lip, reluctant. nick gripped his forearm gently, pulling him away.

and as they waited outside, karl talked to nick quietly with punz. alex pulled clay into a hug, burying his face into clay's chest and clay burying his nose into his iconic navy beanie.

seconds turned into minutes.

until a nurse stepped out. the boys all looked at her face--her grief-stricken face.

silence.

and he knew.

"no," he whispered. broken, shattered. and it felt like someone crushed his heart and it shattered into a million pieces.

his head was empty. the world was spinning. the boys around him were also speechless, broken at the unforgiving news.

and he sobbed, he wanted to scream, but he couldn't, his voice didn't work, his mouth couldn't form words as the nurse wordlessly let them into george's room and it was only the friend group in there, sobbing.

they sobbed for what seemed like hours, though it had only been around thirty minutes.

they soaked the blanket and each other's shirts, they whispered shattered thoughts and heartbroken sentences, they looked at eachother's crushed expressions--not even crushed, that wasn't the word, there wasn't a word to describe the pain that echoed throughout their minds.

slowly, they all hugged clay, once again, all breaking into sobs. nick said, "you talk to him for a while. we'll be waiting outside for you."

the sentence was barely understandable, but clay nodded.

again, deja vu, as he dropped to his knees heavily and sobbing harder than he ever had before.

they shook his body, wrecking him from inside out as he gripped the fabric as tight as he could. his body was shaking so much it was an effort to not just collapse. his throat burned, his eyes felt so dry yet so full of tears. his mouth rang open.

one of his hands made its way to george's hand and when he felt something cold, clay lifted his head. a ring.

shakily and through a blurred vision, clay slipped it off the delicate finger and slid it onto whichever finger it fit on.

his pinky, the one that george loved to wrap his hand around whenever they were out.

that thought broke another dam.

he sobbed again, scooting over and closer to george's face. he stood up slightly and sat on the edge of the bed, playing with george's hair.

"god, baby, what am i going to do without you?" clay whispered. "who will i give my clothes to? who will patches run up to whenever the front door opens? who will be here to tease nick 24/7?"

he tried laughing at the last bit.

"you weren't supposed to leave me here, alone. you're supposed to stay with me until we both go, so many years later from now? you're supposed to try to shove me off my skateboard whenever we ride, and i'm supposed to do it back," he cried.

"adding onto that, i'm keeping your skateboard. it'll hang on my wall, alongside the selfie you took of us, i'll never forget you, sweetheart." his voice failed him by the end as more tears streamed down his face, off his chin and onto george's silky hair.

"i love you," he whispered.

and he realized, he never got the chance to say it when george was still here.