Let the Record Show

A Professor for The Professor

Police Academy was awesome. So awesome in fact the Gang watched it twice that night at Dennis and Mac's. Frank had fallen asleep halfway through the second run, while Dennis, Dee, Mac, and Charlie one by one drifted into a stupor from a combination of gas and beer. It really was nights like these that made Charlie appreciate his friends.

All that shit he did this week, thinking he was smart 'cause of some placenta pills? That shit was whack. And Charlie was man enough to admit he was a real dick. Being smart was overrated anyway. No one got cool friends like the Gang from being "smart".

But, it would be nice to read some books. Or write down his lyrics so his friends could sing them. Or even just say big words without getting them confused. Yeah. Maybe being kinda smarter would have been nice.

Those thoughts followed him around the next day like a bad itch. He thought maybe he caught lice from that stray cat in his experiment, but Frank wasn't scratching up a storm so that wasn't it. All morning as he hunted down the rat Dennis, Mac, and Dee had failed to kill, Charlie tried to think of all the smart things he could do. Spiders talking to cats? That was amateur. No, Charlie wanted to write poetry, discover ghouls, and build a rocket. Like that Ellen Munk guy.

But how? How could he get smart without placenta pills? He stood in the alley hosing his bashing bat off, having succeeded in mashing the little fat bastard. Well, he pondered. How do smart people get smart? They go to college. Like they always say— Girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. And Charlie seemingly spent all his life on Jupiter. He was ready to come back down to earth.

...

Honestly, the college was cool as shit. From the outside, it looked like Hogwarts or Down-Town Abbey. Charlie left to find those science guys at eleven and was still wandering the campus by one, enjoying the old buildings when a real nice lady cop came up to him.

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Yeah, actually." Charlie looked around, having a hard time remembering what fancy building the science nerds used. "I'm looking for some science."

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you a student?"

"No, ma'am. I was here for an experiment the other day. They, like, gave me placenta pills to make me smart."

Charlie's been around enough cops to know she doesn't believe him, which was really frustrating because for once he isn't lying to a cop. "The science guys!" He insisted. "One's like Chinese, the other from England or something?"

She shook her head. "There are thousands of students here and hundreds of professors. You're going to have to be more specific."

Charlie grumbled in frustration. He didn't want to lose his temper because he could see the taser on her hip, and while being tased by a sexy cop did sound cool, he really wanted to be smart.

"Hey! Professor!" A kid yelled. Charlie didn't turn around as he desperately tried to explain to this lady cop that he had to get smart, and the science bitches would help him! What couldn't she understand?

But she was looking behind him, eyebrows scrunched together. Completely ignoring his babbling. "You know him?"

Charlie turned, a tall broad-shouldered teenager smiling down at him. "Professor! What's up my man!"

It took Charlie a moment to recognize the kid. "Richie?"

Fat Juggalo Richie, now without any face paint, was pulling Charlie into a rough, unwelcome, hug. "Oh, man! Professor, it's so great to see you!"