Chapter 1 - 'If You Were A Casino Game You'd Have The Best Odds'

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The doctor was still blabbering on as if my world hadn't just been shattered. I got up and slowly walked over to the window. We were on a pretty high floor so everyone below looked like ants. It was amazing how their lives continued on when I was just told that I have a disease. I have a disease.

Am I going to die? How long will I live? What about Jungkook? My parents? Oh God... This couldn't be happening. I couldn't tell them. Maybe I won't tell them until I'm almost gone. They won't have to grieve as much. I obviously have to tell Jungkook. He...we practically live together. Okay, I'll tell Jungkook.

But what if I'm okay? What if I survive? What if it's like a small cancer that is manageable? I could get through this! Maybe I should ask the doctor. He was still spitting words unbeknownst to me.

"I'm gonna be okay, right?" I interrupted him mid-sentence.

"Excuse me?" he asked, looking confused.

"I'm gonna live, I'm not gonna die, yea?" I repeated. He looked me in the eye and said nothing. His face looked exhausted, he had probably just done a twelve hour shift and wanted to go home. I was probably just irritating him. I was about to apologise when he spoke.

"Well... Schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma is a complicated thing. It's not a common cancer and very little research has gone into it as of yet," he almost stammered over what to say. "If you want to talk to someone we have a great team of psychologists here at the hospital who deal with patients just like you."

"I thought you said this was a rare disease?" I said sarcastically. I instantly regretted it. He was only trying to help.

"I meant cancer patients," he said with a small, sympathetic smile. Maybe he wasn't as cold-hearted as I initially thought.

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I was walking through the hospital corridors to leave when I noticed the sheer volume of people here. Old people, young people, black and white, sick and healthy, rich and poor, there were hundreds. And yet, none of them knew about me. Maybe because I didn't have a shiny, bald head or an IV on wheels, but I felt worthless. I had just found out I could die and no one cared. No one gave a shit, people were walking into me, banging shoulders, stepping on my toes and no one cared. It all seemed so insignificant.

But I couldn't be selfish because for all I know, they could die here before I do. They could have cancer. They might lose someone to cancer today. So I can't be selfish, at least not yet. Not until I know what I'm dealing with, not until I know what my odds are.

I decided to take a detour to the library before getting the bus home. The hospital library was one of the best in the city so I thought I could do some research there. I chose a computer and sat down to look up my cancer. It took a while to get the spelling right but I found it. Eventually, I found I was looking for. In black writing against a baby blue background it read:

Survival Rate: 50%

I didn't know whether that was good or bad. I sat staring at the screen for about five minutes silently before grabbing my jacket and leaving. That information would have to do for now. It could be wrong anyway, it was the Internet.

I got the bus after half an hour of waiting and sat by myself for the entire journey. It was only 40 minutes but it felt like forever. I knew Jungkook would be at home waiting for me and I'd have to tell him what had happened. My stomach felt like it had been tied into several knots.

I started biting my nails, something I only did when I was nervous. I hadn't done it since I had met Jungkook because he made me feel better, more confident. But nothing lasts forever, evidently my life wouldn't last much longer. At least, there was a 50% chance it wouldn't.

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