✨mcyt oneshots✨

begin again; karlnap

prompt: i used to think all love ever does is break and burn and end but after meeting him, i watch it begin again
for the better part 2 !
request: kinda !
tw: talk of abuse, self harm, drugs, panic attacks, if there's anything else, lmk !! (:

karl: hi! it's karl jacob from class :]

karl didn't know at the time, but that text changed his life. he almost didn't push send, out of the fear of stepping out of his comfort zone.

but now he's with the best boyfriend possible, cuddling against him on the couch, watching frozen 2. he haven't told sapnap about his past, just yet.

sapnap know bits and pieces, like why he can't meet karl's parents. he know that he had a forced relationship. but he doesn't know about the abuse, the convertation camp, his self harm.

but it doesn't matter at the moment. cause right now, the pair is enjoying a movie, sharing popcorn, and each other warmth.

the way sapnap found out wasn't what karl wanted. he wanted to be ready to tell him, when he was mentally stable. instead, it led to their first argument.

he was helping karl clean his dorm, doing what a good boyfriend does. as he looked under the bed, he discovered an opened book. in it was written different verses and homophobic comments.

there was also questions and crossed out statements. sapnap picked it up and turned around to show karl.

"what's this?"

karl's eyes widen. "uh, hand it over. it's nothing."

"why is there homophobic comments and bible verses? is there something you need to tell me?"

karl shook his head, "it's from my childhood. i don't believe in it. i promise. my parents forced me."

sapnap sat down on karl's bed. "karl, please tell me what's it about."

karl sighed, "my parents found out i was gay when i was like 15. they sent me to converation camp. i had to write all this down, and listen to them explaining why being gay is wrong."

"why didn't you tell me?"

"because i didn't want to relive it! i just want to forget about it! it was one of the darkest time of my life!"

"but i want to know these things about you. i want to know your traumas, so i know what to not talk about."

"sapnap, i just didn't want to tell you. talking about it , reliving it, it's hell. literally, going to that church camp was literal hell. i had to question myself everyday why being myself is wrong in the eyes of god."

sapnap didn't mean to, god he didn't mean to, but he said anyway, "and you just wanted me to not know this about you? you just wanted to keep it to yourself? keeping secrets from me? i told you everything about me! i told you about my dad dying when i was 12, and now it scarred me. i told you about how my mother turned to drugs to cope with it, and how i had to take care of her when it should've been the other way around!"

karl began to have flashbacks from when his parents yelled at him, and he started to shake. he couldn't hear the other boy anymore, instead started apologizing.

"i'm sorry, im sorry. please don't hurt me. please don't put me in the closet, i promise i'll tell you everything you want to know. just don't hurt me, or put me there."

sapnap stood frozen as he stared at his boyfriend curled up in a ball shaking and sobbing. he knew he was having a panic attack, so he crouched close to karl.

"can i touch you?"

"no, stay away! i don't want you hurting me!"

"karl, it's me. sapnap, im sorry i shouldn't gotten mad about that. name 5 things you can see."

"my hands, my legs, the floor, my pants, and my shoes."

"4 things you can hear?"

"me, you, the people outside, and in the hallway."

"3 things you can feel?"

"my hair, my jeans, and my hoodie."

"you okay? i'm so sorry, baby. i shouldn't gotten mad at you. you have a good reason to not tell me. i shouldn't forced you to say anything. especially since what i heard, you went through a lot. please forgive me?"

karl took a shaky breath before nodding.

"can i hug you?" sapnap carefully asked.

karl nodded yet again, and sapnap pulled karl close to him. "i'm so so so sorry. you don't have to tell me anything until you're ready."

karl smiled, this was the first time someone didn't hurt him after getting mad at him. it was a good change.

"i'll tell you, it's time anyway. cmon let's get on the bed."

karl explained the horrible things he endured his childhood, as sapnap listened in shock. he had tears streaming down his face. how could anyone treat his perfect angel like this?

as soon as karl finished explaining, sapnap pulled him in again. "thank you for telling me, you're so strong. i'm sorry you had to deal with that. now you're with me, and i'll make sure you're happy again. i love you"

and it's funny. karl used to think all love ever did was break and burn and end, but on that wednesday in his bedroom,

"i love you too, sapnap."

he watched it begin again.

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i'm sorry, i love taylor swift so much, and begin again is one of my favorites by her !

also sorry if this made no sense, i was lowkey struggling w deciding how to write this.

also i think i'm starting to get in a good mental state, im starting to draw again, and i'm planning to write more! i also have a job interview this friday so wish me luck !! :D

have a good day/night ! drink some water and eat some food if you haven't !!

i love you guys <33