Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 1

Stella - Prologue

Heartbreak is a thief to all things that once brought us joy. And it's all I think about when I look into his eyes as I brace myself for what's to be said. He's warring with himself, I've known him well and long enough to see it.  His struggles are transparent enough to see but he doesn’t let me in enough to know about it. But we can never be too prepared for moments like these. They come too sudden and last too long. Exactly like death.

Callum Hayes was the epitome of love. He was my love. The love. Nobody could ever compare nor come close. If you asked what love was, I’d look at him and tell you, there. That’s love. His mannerism, gentleness and understanding rubbed off of me. He'd tell you little random facts and apologise when it's not needed. He'd drive miles, just to stop at your door to make you smile. Just to see you. Giving up another 5 minutes to stay close to you, because without you being part of his day, there's no sun in the sky. There's no beaming light benevolently shining through his clouded mind. But whilst he’s all that, he covers everything that taunts him behind a facade. One that even love doesn’t always get to pass by.

“I’m nervous…” I let Emily know on the other end of the phone call. My mind races and my overthinking begins to over take so I stain my mind with happy memories, hoping they'd fight off all my worries.

“I understand, but don’t try to think about it too much. See what he has to say first.” I try to take Emily’s advice but they don’t seem to stick for too long.

It's 3pm, on a rainy Friday afternoon. Callum had asked me if I could come over to the library but he never mentioned why. The tone in his voice lacked its usual warmth, it was rather rushed and the coldness of being called in that manner immediately made me concerned. I couldn't sleep one wink even when I tried my best to brush it off and not let my mind fall into an abyss of negative thoughts.

But brushing it off can only last for so long. I pick out the first book my eyes lay on. It's green and labeled as "puke" which must be out of pure coincidence because with all my nerves built up, I was truly on the verge of doing so. Puking. He then enters but doesn't see me immediately, he searches through every aisle and I just watch him, unable to call him out. When he finally finds me, I am welcomed into his arms which he strangely felt hesitant to hold on tighter.

We were within the walls of the space that brought me the most comfort. Aisles of books towering over our heads which I would naturally find myself drifting to. But today, I just felt cornered. My intuition were signalling warning flags but my heart kept shoving them aside to see want it wanted to. So selfish. Hearts are always thinking for themselves, huh? They always make us choose to see the good but when everything falls to pieces, they pin the blame on the Brain, arguing that they should've known better. Little did I know, I should've never thought with my heart, for it only brings betrayal.
He obsessively thought about how he'd begin his sentence without messing it up first-hand. To my surprise, he started out with the words "Stella, I lose myself when I'm not with you.” Those words dripped with no sugar-coating however it wasn't exactly as romantic as I thought it sounded.

He was going to let me go and it overwhelmed me to know that the person that knew me so wholly could leave so abruptly. It probably was just as difficult for him.

I stood there in awe, not wanting to believe that all we've gone through and got through has come to this. My hands immediately jumped to his, shakily I held his fingers. The fear in his eyes didn't withhold itself - as terrified as he was, questioning if he was making the right decision, it was inevitable that he still had to make a choice. No matter the circumstances. Words got stuck in my throat every time I tried to respond. All I thought about was trying to save this. Save us. Thoughts were pacing in my mind non-stop and I couldn't concentrate one bit.