Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 5

Axel

(5 months later)

I peer over Stella's shoulder right before I sit down, glancing at her every word and patiently waits for her to finish. She doesn't notice me eavesdropping on the privacy of her written words but I couldn't help myself. Curiosity might as well be my fatal flaw. She's doing what she always does during our lunch break – continue mind-mapping random ideas for her "Your Lie In April" anime fanfiction. Other co-workers might find her interest bit silly or childish as they've pointed out before but between the five of us – we don't mind. And with Emily being the absolute MOM friend, there's no doubt that she's Stella's number 1 supporter. We all are.

Because it makes her happy.

We're all inclined with the same fondness of anime or the appreciation of a good book. Especially me. I remember how immersed I was in a story during my college days and skipped all the study time I had planned in advance. In all honesty, looking back, I have no idea how I've managed to scrape through passing those tests. It must be some kind of miracle, I'm sure of it. But as time have progressed my love for reading and the form of escapism it brought me no longer served me any purpose. But seeing Stella in her element everyday awoke the urge to read again. Or at least just read how she would portray the story differently. But my sneak peaks to her planning always brought me no such luck. I was patient but admittedly, there is nothing I want more, than to get into that head of hers even if it's through her fanfiction.

There's a certain truth about writers and their work. If you read in between the lines and manage to fine-tune the situations they pluck their characters in, they splurge sincerity of their hearts all over of it but more often than most they tend to be subtle about it. However, if you do come across the truth they'd probably prefer you keep it to yourself. That's just my opinion.

What kills love? I see her jot down. The question makes me think. How does this concept come into play in her fanfiction? According to the original Your Lie In April anime, the female main character, Kaori Miyazono, dies due to blood loss and in the end she reveals to have fallen in love with the main character, Kosei Arima, which is expressed by a letter she writes – where she is grateful for him and the joy he has brought in her life.

With Stella's sadistic nature, who knows what situations she might put the characters in? Or maybe, just maybe deep down she wants happiness for the characters and for it to eventually reach her readers as much as she wants it for herself.

"What kills love?'' I repeat, sitting down next to her and a list of answers form in my mind.

She eyeballs me as she drops her pen down on her notepad carelessly and crosses her arms, expectantly waiting me to voice my thoughts. The look she gives feels like a punch to the gut, the kind that makes me nervous and gulp on the oxygen I've just inhaled.

Her hair looks completely different than a few months ago, she had cut her long dark brown – almost black – hair into a wolf cut, which basically consists of different lengths of choppy layers. The layers on the front are short choppy layers and the sides and back are longer choppy layers. She has also mastered doing her eyeliner wings symmetrical now. I'd like to think that she has grown out of that state she had been in 5 months ago but sometimes I'm not so sure about that assumption. She looks more emo than before.

"No trust." I begin to list as I sit down beside her.

"Lack of communication. Not being loyal. No patience. And not being happy alone, in times of absence of the significant other. There's more but-'' The look on her face interrupts the completion of my sentence.

The expression on her face had gone soft and somewhat with the hint of sadness, there's a wavering battle in her eyes. She then gives me a weak smile and nods her head which I'm assuming is her agreement to the list I've given her. I suddenly am careful on what to say next, so I try and think on my feet in hope that it'll be some kind of distraction to those uncomfortable thoughts.

"Did Joey tell you about the Enneagram? I took the test earlier and it turns out I'm type 6."

"Yeah, I took the test too." Still not that much pulled away from her initial thoughts.

The Enneagram is a system of personality types. It is used to help us decipher the patterns of people - how they perceive the world and how they cope with their emotions. The Enneagram types are also distinguished into three parts. 

Body, head and heart.

 Something about Joey informing us about the Enneagram, tells me that he wants our friendship group to blossom on a deeper level. His personality type is the same as mine, which means according to the type six break-down, it explains how types sixes are known to have a tight-knit friendship group who they are loyal too and protective of but on the flipside they are also known not to let their guard down or trust easily.

"And? What what was your result?"

"I'm type four." 

"That explains a lot." I tease, trying to wind her up. And for the first time in a long time, she seems to be appalled by my commentary.

"What is that supposed to mean?" She questions, shooting me those sharp eyes again. 

Gulp.

Boom. Joey drops his lunch on the table and takes a seat opposite Stella and I. Thank God, for this save. I certainly hadn't thought that through enough to give Stella a clever answer. Joey picks on his fries and I fix my gaze on him. 

"Dude, if you're hungry for my fries. Just ask." 

"In fact, I am." I say without thinking and take a few and prop it in my mouth.

"Whoa, slow down!" Joey says, laughing and then shifts his head at Stella, who is still waiting on my reply. 

"Hey, Stella. Everything okay? You look like you're about to kill a guy.''

"I might." Stella deadpans.

Another gulp.

"Mr Type Six over here, seems to know why my test to the Enneagram quiz resulted in me being a type four."

I want to tell her the truth but she can be so intimidating sometimes. Now, with her emo style speaking for itself, the boldness in her words and reactions diminishes my act to retaliate.

"Well, according to the research I've done. It does make sense that you've come to be a type four. You definitely have a distinctive persona which makes you creative and expressive, hence you writing that fanfiction of yours. There are negatives as well but I won't dwell on that right now. Do the research yourself and then you'll see.  But if there's one thing I know about a type four and six is that Fours are part of the heart based trait of the Enneagram and the core emotion in this trait is sadness. And Sixes? They are head based and their core emotion is fear."

Stella and I are instantly intrigued by the detail of our personality types. I have to admit it but as much as this seems like a silly internet quiz, it's pretty damn accurate. And even that's scary.