Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 8

Stella

That day the wind sweeped her hair up into the air and gently let down again, we were standing about 4 feet apart and that's when I begun to question everything. The light in her eyes, filled the vacancy in mine. And seeing the love she has for her passion overflow into the hearts of the audience, I felt somewhat appalled but also, even more afraid. I couldn't play the piano with the love I had before mother died, as soon as I think i'm getting into rhythm, my ears eliminate the sound and I lose control. I drown into nothingness. But what is this? What is this thing she does? I wish I could explain it better. I wish I had the words. But I bet you'd know if you were to see her too. Since mother died, everything had become nothing but monochrome. And here she is coming into my life, not only with a hint of color but entirely polychromatic.

I look blankly at my computer screen and I let out a long awaited sigh. I can't continue. This scene requires some type of happiness I can't give right now. It's always like this, when my characters are feeling the opposite of what I am. Sometimes I feel like I should be happy for them - yes, it's that personal - but I can't seem to be. My emotions are at each others throats to come first. This sadness. This anger. This heartache.

All of them are pretty strong emotions so I guess that's why they demand to be felt.

"Here, take a break." Elle hands me a cup of tea and I hold the warmth against my palms.

"Thanks." I say, giving Elle a weak smile just as my eyes begin to dampen.

Ever since I saw Callum last week, my entire friendship group is on a scheduled rotation to stop by at the apartment every night. Even if I'd already seen them at work during the day.

It was somewhat overwhelming but it made me feel comforted, like some reminder that I have people around me that genuinely cares.

It makes me emotional, just thinking about it.
What did I do in my past life to have deserved such friends? How could I ever repay them, I keep on thinking. However, our friendship doesn't run on counting how much you did for the next person. It's just as simple as reciprocating.

"I'm not going to force anything but do you perhaps want to talk about it?" Emily suggests, taking a sip of whatever she had made her.

My initial thought is that I want to but I'm hesitant when the words struggle to roll off my tongue. I can feel the emotions bottling and even though I don't want it to erupt, I keep on suppressing.

"No." I say with force.

It happens again. Memory. My goddamn memory is such a traitor. Not in a way that it helps me forget, but is excruciating painfully excellent at it's purpose.
Not even a few minutes of looking at him but I remember the look on his face when he realized it was me, how the another girl - his girlfriends face puzzled up in confusion, what he'd been wearing and the details of her face too. Short black hair. When she laughs, her eyes closes just as his would.
Her-

"Hey! Snap out of it." Emilys voice brings me back to reality.

"Sorry, I was just-"

"Thinking. About. It?"

Yeah and comparing myself to someone that I don't know at all. Isn't my mind just a fun place to be?

"Yeah..." I say under my breath.

Emily then looks at me and then swiftly looks away for a moment.

She's probably thinking about when I'm getting over this. Over everything. Hasn't it been too long? And as much as they say it's part of the journey, what kind is this? It's one hell of ride. I want this to end. I want everything to stop. I've been through many heartbreaks but this? This takes the cake.

"I know what you're thinking." I blurt.

"And how would you know?" Emily questions as she raises her eyebrow and makes me want to giggle.

"Okay. I don't exactly know but what I do know is that everyone expects me to move on right? After all, it's been 8 months already."

I don't stop. My mouth keeps blabbing and my voice heightens.

"That's ridiculous, right? Or is it not? I don't know either. How can you still think of someone with the same fondness you had in the beginning after such a complex abandonment? How does time not change this? Am I in denial? Do I just not want to let go? Or is it that.."

Tears swell up in my eyes and my throat becomes dry. I lower my head, I don't want to look Emily in the eye. She lets me be. She lets me continue.

"Or is it that I just..." I don't even know what I want to say next. My eyes flicker and my mind searches for its answer. My heart rate rises and my palms are sweat. And to my own admission, I utter the most honest thing I've said in a while.

"I still love him."

This unexpected confession hurt more badly than seeing him with someone else. Because what's worse, seeing someone you love with someone else or just the fact that they don't feel the same way you do?

If it were up to me, I'd choose the latter. Mainly because if you were to see someone with someone else, that is a possibility that they have certain feelings hidden and you could even reconcile. But them feeling completely different than you do? And openly showing it? I think that's the worse type of heartbreak.

Emily comes in for a hug but doing so before I could even lift my arms to embrace her aswell.

She holds a tight grip around me.

"Look," She begins, with a shaky voice.

"You're going to be okay. You'll get over all of this. Maybe not at present but one day. That I can promise you."

"Why don't I feel like that at all? My hope for healing from this is all gone."

"We all feel like the hurt will last forever but in the end, it never does."

"Promise me, it won't." I say, seriously and then parting our hug.

"Pinky promise?" I hold out my pinky.

She looks at me with a certain sadness in her eyes and holds out her pinky, intertwining it with mine.

"Pinky promise." She says in low voice, suddenly with the least bit of certainty.