Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 7

Axel

Here's the truth.

I didn't know much about Type 4 Enneagram when Stella had told me her result. I just wanted to tease her but clearly that didn't bring me far when she had asked what I had meant. I didn't even know what I meant. But in my defense, I've been reading about Type 4s recently to make up for my lack of knowledge and geez, they really have a way with emotions don't they. Their relationship with their emotions are so deep and complex, possibly making it difficult for others to understand them easily. So melancholic and passionate. They feel everything, reflect on their past often and use their life experience as a muse to whatever they may create. However, one of the negative parts about being so self-aware is that type 4s tend to over-identify, labeling themselves more flawed than others.

Does Stella think she's more flawed than others? Really? Well she might always be inclined with her emotions and they are always expressed well but she definitely shouldn't think of it as a bad thing. Most people can't even express themselves and where has that gotten them? Nowhere, I'm certain. I actually envy her expressiveness.

My phone rings and it's a call from Joey.

"Hey man!" He says, rushed.

"Hey bro, what's up?'' I asked concerned.

"It's Stella but I'll get straight to the point. We saw Callum with another girl today and..."

He paused for a moment.

"and... by the looks of it, she's not taking it so well right now.''

"What is she doing right now? Is she next to you?''

"Nah, she went straight to her room when I dropped her at the apartment. She won't open her room door and it's already been over 2 hours.''

"Kick down her door. I'll be there in a few minutes.''

"Haha, very funny. Unlike you, I respect privacy.''

---

I make my way down the staircase and I'm caught up one of my parent's arguments again.

"You shouldn't have gotten her the dog, even if she wanted it badly Greg. We can't allow this behavior all the time."

"We've always wanted a cute little pup running around the house. I thought you wouldn't mind.''

"No, obviously you didn't think – you assumed. Who do you think is going to-"

"Fine, Maria! But it wouldn't hurt seeing our little one with a bit of joy in her eyes, would it?''

"That's not the point!''

Yup. There it was once again. And this time around they're arguing over something so trivial. At this point, I'm convinced they are both just looking for reasons to yell at each other. A pup wouldn't be all too bad in my opinion either but the messes it makes are completely my sisters responsibility.

At least then, something in this house will shed some happiness.

---

Joey opens for me when I arrive at Stella's apartment.

"Have you kicked down the door yet?''

"I have done nothing of the sort.''

"Bummer.''

Joey and I are both standing at Stella's room door now, thinking of a way we could just get her out of there.

"Let's do some kind of distraction.''

"What do you mean?''

"We use what she loves against her but only to her benefit, hence how we'll get her out of here.''

"Do you realize you're not making any sense?''

"Sorry. I'll tell you what you what. Scatter her fanfic pages in the study and then I'll tell her you're snooping around reading her plans for the next chapter. You know how confidential she is when it comes to her planning.''

"Dude, why are you making me do something you'd do?''

"Because it would be too obvious, duh."

"Right... Okay fine! But I'll just pretend I'm reading her plans. So if she kills me, it's on you.''

I let out a laugh, thinking about how terrified we all get when Stella's angry. Joey then goes to the study and our plan goes into motion.

I continuously knock on her door.

"Stella! Stella!''

No answer but I continue.

"Joey's in the study and I've just seen him peek through your planning. I don't mean to tell him but-"

The door then flies open with full force, slamming me straight into the wall. She rushes down to the study with even a glance back.

Ouch, my back.

I enter her room and I realize why Joey was hesitant to kick down the door. Her scent. Her clothes. Her notebooks. Her personal space she rarely lets anyone in and her empty tea cups. She hates coffee. Unusual, right? She's a writer but without the daily dose of caffeine. She believes it just makes one poop.

I take steps towards her bed and her makeup is smudged on the casing of the pillow. There's no doubt that she'd been crying. But as I approach her bed even closer, her journal lays open. She's been writing. That's good, I try to tell myself. But my eyes are fixed on what's written.

He's in a new relationship. I saw it with my own eyes. It didn't surprise me immediately or at least I didn't know how to process it. But I've just cried my eyes out and intrusive thoughts comes knocking on my door. It made me think... what if him leaving was my fault? I know we spoke through it a few months prior to the break up but... I can't help to think. What if me not recognizing that flaw of mine cost me to lose him? But then again, I remember him saying that the problem isn't me, it's him. And he had left to become better and in a better state of mind because his own mind was boggling him too. Which of the two was the reason? I guess this is another thing I have to forgive myself for. Does this also mean that he feels better now? If it is, I'm glad. It's just now... with the knowledge of him being with someone else... I still think about holding his hand, now I have to harshly tell myself that... he's holding someone elses.

Shivers run down my spine as I place her journal back where it had been. Is this how she always felt? Has missing Callum always made her suffer internally? And nobody noticed?

I clench my fists.

I need to fix this, my mind suddenly advises me. Then just as my thoughts become serious all I hear are Stella and Joeys voices.

"Joey! You're dead meat!''

"I didn't read anything, I swear!''