Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 9

Axel

Something had triggered her. I'm sure of it.
Her openness and honesty had given everyone a punch into the gut and today, I feel as if though it is my turn. Even though this is how we originally knew Stella - open, expressive and true to herself - the manner in which she imploded was disturbing.

She didn't have anger, she had a more fueled type of anger. Rage. Rage is what it might be. She did also have the sadness that came with it, but that faded as soon as the rage had taken over. And it looks as if that this rage is mostly directed at only one person - and that's herself.

Her grief were finaling surfacing under the cracks after all these months had passed. She was finally showing us how much hurt she withheld. And even though that's a good thing, it's not fun watching her like this. It tics me off. My jaw tightens and my fists clenches. Why didn't she just tell us all this sooner? Maybe then, she would have felt better by now.
Why did she go through this all alone when we're all here for her?

"I know that he said the reason for our break up was not my fault, it was solely his but what if it was me? What if my trauma was that overpowering? And the worst part about it is having to realize one year into the relationship that I have things from the past that suddenly came haunting me. It came so unexpected. It gave me one knock and I couldn't manage to get up again. I didn't know that he was in no position to help me. So blame me! I wish he just knew, that through that difficult time, whilst he lost himself. I needed him the most." She loses her breath, panting, for moment but as soon as she catches it again, she continues.

"But that's not the way it works, we both spiraled outwards and then straight into one another. Which only left nothing but a mess."

I try to interupt but she doesn't give me the slightlest chance.

"I understand why he had left and I'm proud that he put himself first. Although over the months, I've learnt to forgive my past self, as much as he claimed he broke up with me to save the both of us..."

She stops in the middle of that sentence unexpectedly. She's hyperventilating. Panic attack. I know the symptoms too well. I go up to her and rub the sides of her shoulders, without a clue of any comfort words.

"Slow down Stella..." I manage to say.

It doesn't seem like she's listening. All she's doing is thinking. Trapped in that mind of hers.

"It might saved him but in the end... it ruined me."

She looks me straight in the eye, with complete seriousness. Her eyes are bloodshot red.

Her voice is now lower than when she's raging out.

"Because look at me... Can't you see? I'm not okay."

Tears start to fall from her cheeks as she lowers her head, letting her hair fall over the front as a cover and my chest fills with a certain heaviness. I want to look away because I'm not sure if she's embarrassed to be seen so vulnerable. She's sniffling and the waterworks won't stop. I don't even know what I'm doing but something within urges me to do so. I reach out my hand, moving all her hair to the back, I lift up her chin gently and wipe the tears away with my thumb. I notice how her eyes widen.

I know she's surprised. I'm surprised too. I'm more surprised at the fact that I'm being affectionate right now. To some extent, it does feel like the right thing to do. But her eyes - her dark brown eyes is filled with a sadness that doesn't vanish.

Then the reality hits me.

"Oh- sorry. Uhm. I'll get you some water and tissues. And give you some space."

After I had given her the water and tissues my brain is sends off awkward lights and I feel uncomfortable but somehow also comforted by her openness.

I'd been here for a few hours now. The night sky displays it's beauty and I feel the need to leave. I can't stand how I feel right now. It's like my mother scolding at me internally telling me to go my room and think about my actions.

---

A few moments later, as I were admiring the night sky on a bench outside the apartment, Stella comes out and sits right beside me. There's just an awful silence between us. I'm not sure if whether she wants to me to say something first or if she wants to.

"I-"

"You-"

Our sentence starters both clash into one another and we break out into a laugh.

"Ladies first." I suggest.

"No, no. By all means... you speak."

"Okay... Uhm. First of all, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"What? Be a little more affectionate towards me than you usually are?"

"Yeah... that's-"

"It's okay, Axel. Don't worry about it." She says and I feel a sense of relief.

The silence catches up with us again and all I'm thinking about is her openness today. Emily hadn't told me the details of the day she'd been here but all she said was that Stella is lashing out on emotions she had kept to herself for months and I should take it easy with her. I didn't know what that meant until now. Stella requires a patience. A patience only the people she cares about has. I'd like to think I'm one of them. But not only did her rage unleash today, but the fact that she allowed herself to be that vulnerable. Without regrets. She wasn't scared that I'd judge her. She just spoke. She just trusted. Without doubt. Now that, that I admired and only lead me to uttering my own truths.

So I sat there, with Stella and the nightsky above us to witness all the mystery behind a smiling face. Telling her about my parents and how I'd step into the house and being whirled into one of their arguments. I told her I wished I hadn't lived like that. That sometimes, I disliked my parents for what they let their children witness everyday. And most of all, that being told, at a young age, that we - as their children are the only thing that keeps them together. And not together in a pleasant way. But together in a "we have to do this because we must" way.

At the time, I didn't know what marriage was all about. But I knew it required love. Sometimes I wonder, what ever happened to theirs.