Lost And More Importantly, Loved

Chapter 10

Stella

After Axcel had left last night, I've been thinking about what he said. His truths are sadly more scarring than mine or atleast I think so. Even though I shouldn't compare the two situations, I can't help to. Everyone should be more concerned about Axel than me if we're honest here. I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with things but has anyone known what he went through? Am I first to have known? Or has just the proximity of my hidden feelings concreted some sort of trust between us? I don't know.

A part of me feels sorry for him, he shouldn't have gone through that - let alone as a child. I'm sure he doesn't seek my pity so instead, I'll be there for him just as he were for me.

It's about 8:30am, the dread of the day hasn't yet started but I'm already not feeling it. I don't know why I'm here. In this work environment. I thought I'd enjoy it and at some point I did but now all it does is drain me emotionally.

Do you ever feel that way? You're fresh out of high school and you have your head set on a specific career, a career you know you'd have some passion for and that you'd enjoy. But when the reality comes, after years of studies and hard work - when you're sitting in a your own office, with a nice view and luxury decor, you're contemplating on whether this is what you're destined to be. Maybe it was what you wanted in the beginning but your fate got tagged along with something else along the way and you have no idea what that specific thing is.

I hate this. Life can be so confusing and overwhelming sometimes. Especially, as a young adult. I don't want to spend my days like this. Work my ass off at work only to have minimal time for myself. It's utter bullshit, if you ask me. There must be something more to this mundane type of living. There must be more to life than taxes, bills and labor.

When the clock hits 5pm and everyone clocks out, I drive myself back to the apartment. I feel even more miserable with todays my thoughts flooding my mind.

"Wanna go for a walk?" Someone calls behind me, as I'm unlocking my front door.

I turn around and Axel is walking up to me, out of breath and then leaning on my shoulder.

"Did you just ... run over here?"

"Yeah. I've been calling from a distance but you didn't hear. Or were you ignoring me on purpose?"

"No.." I feel a nervous rush pulse through me.

"No, I'm just... thinking."

"Which is why, I decided to run up to you before you desolve yourself into nothingness in that room of yours."

"I'm sorry?" I rise my right eyebrow, trying to make sense of what Axel is saying.

He sighs.

"Want to take a walk around the neighborhood before having supper, Stella?"

"Now that was clear enough, thank you." I tease.

"Hopefully, it'll clear up those thoughts you're having aswell."

I give a small smile and agree to take a walk with him. But I don't know what he's expecting, to have another heart to heart? I'm too tired for that today.
We take a slow stride through the neighborhood, with the sun setting right beside us. Sunsets are beautiful. There's always just a beautiful close to a day, no matter how much of it you didn't seem to enjoy.

Axel and I speak about the mortality of our very existence again and I can tell he picks up I'm abit on the gloomy side. He observes my every expression - giving me his undivided attention. Our shoulders clash and each time it does, he apologizes. There's no need. But I can't argue, he really could do with the use of proper walking. He seems nervous but happy. Happy but anxious. Anxious but comfortable. Full of mixed emotions and I can't seem to pin point any one of them.

"Maybe we're here to endure all of this." He utters.

"What? No way. I want to be a lizard on a rock, taking as much sunlight as possible. Humans are too high maintenance. Animals are really living the life - in the right circumstances - if you think about. Axel, why couldn't I just be a lizard on rock?"

He lets out a hearty laugh.

"Out of everything. You would choose to be a lizard, really?" He says but coming to some realization. He looks at me from head to toe and then keeps his laugh suppressed and looks at me.

"Oh, now that I think about. You do kind of resemble."

I chuckle at his foolishness and punch him straight in the arm.

"Hey! That's no way to compliment a girl!"

"You said it!" He says into another laugh.

"Still!" I say in reply, going in for another punch. But this time around, he blocks my punch.

"So we're getting violent now, huh?"

"You bet we are!" I say, looking at the grip of his hand around my wrist. He immediately loosens it and I start moving backward. Catch me if you can, Axel.

A car approaches, driving at full speed. I look at the car and then at Axel. He eyes me intensely. Adrenaline rushes through me and he swiftly reaches out for my arm and manage to do so just in the nic of time. His body bumps into mine and he grabs firm a hold around me. His heart rate is sky-rocketing and I won't deny mine is too.

Mt grip etches into his shirt and it's obvious that I'm scared shitless.

"Be careful next time." He whispers.

"Sorry." I say in reply and looks up at him with my eyes soft.

He looks down at me, but his gaze isn't focused on looking at me. He's looking at something else. I follow his eyes and I notice it.

My necklace. The necklace Callum had given me.

---

This bothers me all the way home. Once I got home, I rip off the necklace and I can feel the tears coming again. I go straight up to my room in search for my memory box. When I've found it, I shove the necklace in there and close it in hope of the end of the memory aswell. All my memories with Callum. The way I feel about him needs to end now.

I flip my hair to the back when I realize I'm panting. My hands are trembling. My chest shoots with pain.

It is the end... right?

Please tell me, it's the end.