The Aftermath

Mirror

It's the summer after my first year of college and I've been off and on with the same guy for a year now. I don't even like him if I'm being honest, and he knows I compare him to Miguel, but I can't help it. Miguel treated me... amazingly well. He was always there for me... but this guy? He's cheated on me 6 times and I'm only with him because I don't want to be alone. At the end of the day, I just don't want to be alone. He hits me, but I don't care. My mom even knows he hits me and she doesn't care either, she'd rather me be with this dude and not Miguel. She also supports that the dude told me I was too fat when I reached 120lbs again. Miguel would have been proud of me. For eating, at least. Maybe Miguel wasn't good for me? Maybe love is supposed to be this difficult then? Fighting everyday, screaming at each other, keeping tabs on my weight to make sure I don't get too fat but stay really skinny. Maybe this is love.
Right now, the guy I'm with is sleeping with a girl he met while he was at work. And I know he is. It's a gut feeling, but I have no proof. I've never been wrong before. So I guess this is our next fight.
As I walk outside, I'm spamming his phone. And I know I haven't given the guy I name but why should give him the respect of naming him right? He can't even stop hitting me. Oh well. Anyways I'm spamming his phone and finally he calls me... after ignoring me for a week.
"Are we broken up?"
"What? Jessie no!"
"You've been hanging out with that girl a lot and I just... I can't shake the feeling you're cheating on me."
"Oh my god," he groans, "get over yourself. I'm not fucking cheating and either way you're always comparing me to Miguel so what's it matter? Is it "not what Miguel would've done?"" He's mocking me now.
Miguel was all I've known when it comes to dating. And he was amazing at treating me well... he never even yelled at me until the end of our relationship when I started dating Archer and broke up with him because I had technically cheated on him with Archer.
And for names sake I'm calling the dude Dick because he's a dick. So Dick, on the other hand, will yell at me for spending time with my family, eating too much, crying, asking for reassurance, he's basically a walking dick. So. Anyone I date in the future can thank him for relationship insecurities and can thank Richard and Dick for tag teaming when it comes to my profusely apologizing.
Anyways back to the topic at hand, I end up hanging up on Dick and texting him I hope they have fun at the zoo. He's taking her to the zoo.
While I wait outside for my little brother's bus, I keep checking my phone for any sign of a text.
I guess I'll be waiting another week.
As my little brother's bus pulls up, I tuck my phone in my pocket. He rushes off the bus, "JESSIEEE!!!!" He runs towards me and hugs me tight, "I missed you so much. I hug him back, "I missed you more than you know, bud." I pick him up so we can walk inside and as we walk through the doorway he wiggles down and excitedly shows me his drawings from school.
"Look loook Jessie," he's pushing them all towards me at once and I laugh a little.
This little boy has done more for me than he will ever know or understand when it comes to my mental health. He's gone as far as questioning my parents on why they're so mean to me when I'm so nice to them.
"They're all super cool bud, do you want a snack?"
"Yes!!!" He excitedly runs to the kitchen then comes back with a snack of his choosing and sits next to me on the couch.
"Can we cuddle and watch a movie," he asks me, "like maybe Pixels? I really like that one."
"Yeah of course bud anything for you."
I put the movie on and I lay down on my side and he likes to lay on me like a sloth does on a branch. He's done it since he was able to and I let him because I want him to be happy. As we continue to watch the movie, my thoughts drift to Miguel.
Miguel would've never said something like that to me like Dick did. He never would've done any of this... so why am I allowing this for myself? Why am I letting him hurt me... wh-
"Jessie are you gonna be home all summer?"
My thoughts were interrupted by my brother little voice.
"Yeah of course bud we get to spend the summer together ok?"
He excitedly wiggles then the door unlocks and my parents are home. At this point, I know the drill. My parents get home so I'm kicked out of the living room and I'm shooed to my room. So I get up and grab a bottle of water when my brother runs to hug our mom and his dad. Then I go upstairs before my parents can say a word.
When I get upstairs I get a text from my parents,

Message from Mom and Richard:
"we're going to see Richard's parents this summer for a family reunion. You're going it's not optional."

I flop into my bed,
Oh god this could only mean chaos because we're gonna have to drive. And when we drive there I'm stuck in the car with Richard for 8 hours and I really don't want to be.
I text her back quickly.

Message to Mom:
"Ok."

Short and sweet seems to be the way to go always.
****
As the summer begins to fly by, my thoughts always find their way back to Miguel. Always back to Miguel. I was at the family reunion and I didn't even care that Dick was out there sleeping with his co-worker again. I didn't care what color the table cloths were for the reunion. I didn't care about it at all.
Why can't you just leave my head? You're always there Miguel.
I go to the bathroom while I'm at the venue and I hide in one of the stalls and I start crying.
You will always have my heart in your grasp and I don't think you even know. Or realize for that matter. My parents truly ruined everything and they continue to be assholes no matter what. This entire trip I've only eaten a handful of times because they criticize my ass and my weight. Then I get sexual comments from Richard. Then Dick criticizes me because I don't say anything to defend myself anymore when I even explained the last times I said anything got really violent. I don't want to do this anymore. I wish... I wish he would come back.
After I clean myself up, I plaster a smile on my face and go back to acting. If this was a movie, I'd get an academy award. No one can even tell anymore that I'm depressed and wishing this nightmare would be over.
****
When I got back home from the reunion, I started taking pictures of my body and the progress I was making. It's been a month and I dropped five pounds. I'm back to 115lbs, but it's not enough. I need to lose more, so I start going on runs. And I do a lot of walking and hiking and I do a lot less eating.
I can't go anywhere because my mom won't allow me to, I can't even get my license and I'm turning 19. So what's the point in fighting anymore. As I stand in front of the mirror I'm studying myself and thinking.

I'm becoming my mother, and I hate myself for it. I lie for her, I play multiple people and manipulate them to get them to do what I want, and I use them to my advantage. I don't want to be this monster, but it's all I know. It's all I can see. And I can't unsee it and I don't know how to stop it. How do I change? How can I get better? How can I be something better? How-

My phone interrupts my thoughts and Dick is calling, after a few rings I answer.
"Yes?"
"Hey... so I really want to visit you and I have leave approved so can you help me buy a plane ticket to see you I need to find an affordable one."
"Sure," I walk out the bathroom and go to my laptop.
"What dates?"
As he gives me the dates and all the information I help him book it and once i finish booking it I tell him, "the email that was just sent to you is in your inbox."
"Can you get it from there and just send me a pic of the ticket so we both have it?"
"Why can't you do it," I ask him.
"Cause you're the smart one that's why you went to college and I went into the military," he replies.
I nod and get into his email and I begin to search for the email and as I do so, he gets a message from another girl. The co-worker.

Message from Chloe:
"Don't let my husband find out about what we did, if he finds out we're both screwed and we don't get to have fun anymore"

So I click on it, and I start scrolling. And I can't help but cry. I don't think it's because I cared about the guy, I didn't really care about the relationship as is because he hits me and treats me horribly, he was just company. I think it's more so I was disappointed in myself that I let this happen to me again, but my stupid self believes the lie he tells me anyways. Or tries to force myself to believe it.
We'll see how the visit goes when I'm in college. I can tell myself I'm done all I want, but abuse is all I've known and I know I won't be done until I can break my own cycle.