The Aftermath

better off

The year started and Miguel hasn't texted me yet. It's been... a long while since I heard from him. And that's fine, as long as he's happy... but it doesn't stop me from missing him.
Dick should be here in a few weeks... and Miguel is all I think about. I know Dick and I aren't something that's going to last if I'm being honest. But my mom is finally proud of me... the thing is though... I'm disgusted with who I am. I've never hated myself more... at least when I was a good person a better person I could say my mom hates me but at least I'm a good person, but now... I can't even look at myself.
I do know... that maybe Dick will be my way out of this though. He's talking about moving in together. Maybe I'll be able to stick it out with him until I get financially stable then I can leave. I know it's what my mom would've done, but I could also possibly get the help I need.
I get up and leave my dorm, I light my blunt once I get off campus and I smoke. Might as well right? It helps numb my feelings.
****
When Dick got here, I played happy. I pretended to miss him, in reality I felt numb towards him. First thing he did was screw me. He wanted sex. And that would've been fine if I didn't just stumble across his texts about him cheating on me.
Anyways, while we're sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy, he hands me his phone and I tell him I'm gonna text his dad because I missed his family. As soon as I open texts with his dad, I read
"This is Chloe, she's my new girlfriend."
His dad responds with, "Does Jessie know?"
And the conversation stopped there. I look at Dick and tell him, "so... we didn't know her? I'm crazy? You're not cheating?" He then goes into apologetic mode so I get up and tell him I'm going for a walk when I get back we can talk about all of this. As I get up to leave, he starts pacing.
****
I don't know where I'm walking but by the time I get to where I'm going I text my ex fling, "I'm outside"
He comes out and we talk about what just happened.
"So what're you gonna do, Jess?"
"What would you do?" I just want someone to tell me where to go.
"Honestly... I would dump him. He's done it many times and he hits you... just leave him."
I nod and we sit in silence.
"Thank you... for being here for me."
He smiles and shrugs, "I know you'd do the same..."
He's not wrong... I don't want to let someone feel alone. So I'd always be there for someone no matter what. Maybe I'm not as horrible as I thought...
****
When I get back to my dorm there's blood smeared everywhere, my anxiety medicine is gone and a note that says "I'm sorry" written on it.
Oh that's... that's fantastic. I call 911 and tell them what was found, then I tell them I was in process of looking for Dick. When I find him in the woods just off campus I bring him back on campus and sit him down where the ambulance and cops can find him. They put him on the stretcher and take him away to the hospital to be evaluated.
****
You would think I would've dumped him right? Yeah no you're wrong. He's out of the ward after a week, and he's in my room. My mom tried to reason and say "everyone goes through a rough patch, Jess. It's your job to help him out." It's stupid I know but I have no one that's honestly relevant that tells me otherwise and I want to keep my mom happy. She's all I really got. Dick is leaving soon, and he's trying his best to apologize, still, about sleeping with his coworker. I've lost all fucks to give at this point so I just say whatever and we keep moving forward. He's getting kicked from the military anyways for going AWOL, so he's going to get punishment anyways. He'll be back home in a few months.
****
After I drop Dick off at the airport I go back to my dorm and invite my ex fling to my room. We end up sleeping together then smoking together shortly after.
While we lay on my bed laughing like idiots, we theorize about random things then my phone goes off.

Message from Dick:
"My plane landed can I call?"

My now rekindled fling asks me if I'm gonna answer it and I just tell him no.
"Are y'all together...?"
"Yep."
"Are you gonna dump him?"
"Most likely, but by ghosting. Make it hurt"
"You should just be straight with him"
"What're you my mom?" I was getting annoyed so I snapped at him.
He backed off and kissed me, "I just want you to do what's right not act spiteful."
I roll my eyes. Whatever.
****
When break comes, my brother Xavier invites me to a party with him and his friends. And we all end up getting completely plastered. It takes me about half the bottle of whiskey to get there due to my tolerance level, but I get there. We're all joking around when Xavier's friend asks for my Snapchat.
"Yo are you Gay? Because right now I'm supposed to be one of the boys."
Xavier and his other friend, Darrell, start laughing as the dude turns bright red.
"I'm just fucking with you, yeah sure. Just don't fucking flirt with me weirdo."
Xavier laughs harder, "yo Jessie you don't have to be such a jerk about it."
I look at Xavier trying not to laugh, "bitch boy has a demeaning kink I can tell"
Everyone including the guy asking for my Snapchat starts laughing.
"Seriously though, I'm so sorry for this, but what's your name again?"
"Evan" he says in response.
"Ahhh... well hi Evan, I am Jessie. I am so sorry but I am also slightly toasted so I'm crossed right now"
He laughs, "it's okay you're quite funny honestly. I hope we can get to know each other."
"Ditto to that," I take a sip of my whiskey.
"Ayo ladies on the couch," Xavier says in his announcer voice, "let's play flip cup."
"Bet, Xavier is on my team"
"Oh hell no," Darrell says, "that is illegal because the Rodriguez's are naturals at these types of games"
"Awwwhhh Darrell's chicken" I start laughing.
"Alright alright I'll take Darrell," Xavier says.
"Jessie you take Evan"
"Awh man I got bitch boy...better not fail me or I won't text back," I jokingly say and Evan laughs.
As we play me and Evan win so Darrell and Xavier have to chug some bullshit mix my brother made. Then I decide to go to bed so I can cry by myself.
"I'm gonna go to bed y'all"
"Jess let me walk you into the house," my brother calls after me.
As I stumble a little I nod. My brother escorts me to my room and lays me down. Then he goes to his room to his mini fridge and grabs me a bottle of water when he returns with it he hands it to me, "make sure you drink it."
I nod, "yes, Sarg"
He cracks up, "go to bed dork"
I nod again and lay down after sipping some water. When he leaves I grab my phone and I stare at mine and Miguel's picture.
I miss him... so much.
I sit up and look around for the burner phone. When I find it, I turn it on then dial his number. It rings once or twice I don't know honestly I wasn't paying attention, then it goes to a "this line has been disconnected" message. Then I start crying...hard and I chuck the phone at the bed.
FUCK.