The Aftermath

Jealous

I could only think about how another girl was with him now, I didn't care that Dick hit me, I didn't care when he screamed. I could only think of Miguel.

He's found someone new. He's happier now... and that's okay, I'm glad. But I wish it was me.

The next time Miguel called I opened up with him about how I was sure I was pregnant because I missed my period. Though it shouldn't have been possible since it's been months since we slept together, I found a video on Dick's phone of me passed out from drinking and him fucking my motionless body. I couldn't see if he had protection, I couldn't see if he had a condom on. But all I knew is my period is missing, and I hadn't had sex with him that I knew of by memory in a long time.
"Did you use protection Jessie?"
"No... yes?... I don't know"
"What do you mean, "i don't know" Jess how do you not know?"
I stay quiet for a moment, "I can't leave him just like that if I'm pregnant. It wouldn't be right."
Miguel says instantly, "it's the safer option though, don't be dumb."
"I know...I know... and don't think I'm mad but I gotta get back to work... I'll keep you updated."
When I hang up, I finish what I needed to do at work then go to the dollar store to find a cheap pregnancy test. When I take the test, I thought I saw a faint negative, so I show Dick. He tells me I'm seeing things and I'm delusional so I toss the test and I go make dinner. By this point, I have an apartment and I'm making rent. So things seem to be getting slightly better.
****
The next day, the dealership for the car calls and says they need me to drop off the car and to put a down payment for a lease to keep my mom from going to jail. Right after they finish talking to me my step dad calls me.
"So what are you going to do?"
"I am going to go to the dealership, they have the upper hand so I will be honest with them and say I can't pay 450 a month for a different car, but I don't want mom to go to jail so what can I do?"
"Do you want me there," he asks me.
No you're the reason I'm in this situation you AND mom.
"No, I'm going to bring my friend who's a car salesman and see what I can do."
"You're fucking stupid," he says then hangs up.
I text my brother Xavier and ask what to do so my step dad won't be angry with me.

Message from Xavier:
"Just apologize, then ask him to be there he's going to be mad and he's going to get upset with you but just suck it up"

I call mt step dad back and do what my brother says, then my step dad starts to go on more than just a tangent. He starts yelling at me saying I'm useless and that I'll never amount to anything. That I'll always be a toy to men. So I finally had enough, "you say you're supposed to be my dad right? I don't think a dad is supposed to speak to his children like that."
My step dad freezes in his tracks, "excuse me?"
"I said what I said. You heard me, you're not deaf," I say back, "and frankly I stand by what I said. Im tired of you hiding behind what you claim is your mental illness when you tell me I can't hide behind mine. You're the reason I have my mental illness. You ARE my trigger. Yet I can't be anxious? Or upset? Grow up and take control of it like you tell me or stop talking."
My step dad starts to yell again, "HOW FUCKING DARE-"
So I interrupt, "how dare I? Really? How dare I?"
I don't know what snapped inside me but I started to see white, I couldn't make out what was in front of me anymore and I screamed back, "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?! YOU BEAT ME, TOUCH ME INAPPROPRIATELY, YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT AND EXPECT ME TO COME TO YOU FOR HELP?! THEN YOU TRY TO CLAIM THE SPOT OF MY FATHER LIKE YOU'RE HALF THE MAN HE EVER WAS," I feel like I can't breathe, "YOU WILL NEVER BE MY FATHER YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THAT HONOR SO FUCK OFF AND HAVE A NICE FUCKING LIFE IF I SEE YOU AT THE DEALERSHIP THAT WILL BE THE LAST TIME YOU EVER FUCKING SEE ME." I hung up the phone and I still was seeing white. Dick tries to hug me, and I end up punching him square in the gut. Once I realize what I had done I apologize profusely and tell him to get in the car we have to go grab a few things from the apartment then we have to go to the dealership. As we drive to the apartment I feel myself crying, but I can't control it. I didn't know who to turn to, I didn't know what to do then I suddenly get the though, but it doesn't feel like my own.
Call your grandparents, they'll know what to do they'll always be there to help.
I pull my phone out while I'm on the highway and I hit dial for my grandpa.
"Hello?" He picked up. As I am crying I try my best to talk to him.
"Grandpa!" I sniffle and try my best to tell him what's going on but I'm crying too hard.
"Grandpa, I need help I don't know what to do." I'm pleading for help.
"Meija what's going on take a deep breath and tell me what's going on"
I take a deep breath and I try my best to tell him but he can't understand me so Dick takes over and explains. After Dick explains, my grandpa tells me to just do what the dealership says and then we'll figure it out from there. I hung up as I pull onto my apartment's street and when I park I go and grab my money that I had stashed away then I go to my car and count it.
"Where's the rest of my money," I ask Dick.
"I...I used it for...take out," he replies.
"You used my savings, for takeout when I bought perfectly good food," I ask.
"Well it's all veggies and chicken and whatnot I didn't want to eat that," he tries to explain as if it was logical.
"Dick, I needed this money so I could pay for the car. Are you fucking serious?"
He shrugs and I roll my eyes as we start to drive to the dealership. Where we live is four hours away, so it's going to be a long day.
****
By the time we are 30 minutes away the guy from the dealership tells me, "it's getting late, we can finish this tomorrow"
****
We had spent the night at Dick's parents house, then the next day I took the car to the dealership. After I switched the car out, we went home and I took a few extra shifts at Motel 6 so I could make the 450 dollar  payment that I was taking on. Dick didn't want to work so he quit his job and that was a whole argument that ended with me being pinned on the wall and him yelling in my face saying that I was a stupid bitch and I just needed to work.
****
One night after work, and a long fight with Dick, I made chicken tenders and I went to bed. I only ate one and Dick brought me a glass of soda to wash it down and I thought it was a nice way to apologize. I went to bed then not even a few hours later I got a huge pain in my stomach. I shot up from my sleep then went straight to the bathroom without saying a word. I began throwing up profusely and I couldn't control it. My stomach was hurting more than I've ever felt and it felt so distended. Dick got up and checked on me, "call 911" I said in between throwing up.
"Wh-what," Dick said
I yelled I between throwing up again, "call 911!"
He runs and grabs his phone and calls 911. I can hear him telling them what's going on, and I just couldn't stop throwing up then suddenly I pass out.
Wake up. I urged myself. Wake. Up. My thoughts were still racing so I know I wasn't dead... when I come to I begin throwing up again but I couldn't stop.
He reports that I passed out to the 911 operator then tells them I was up and throwing up again. The operator told him to make sure I stay awake but despite that I end up passing out. I slumped against something cold, but I couldn't move. I couldn't even open my eyes. I could hear Dick begging me to wake up, I could hear him slapping my face to try and wake me, but I just couldn't wake up. Was I dying? Is this what dying felt like? I couldn't feel anything, there was no more pain... I could let go... if I let go... maybe this would be over. Maybe it would get better?
Then I felt a sharp pain in my stomach again and I began throwing up again.
"She's awake and throwing up again, I'm gonna go outside and wave the ambulance down ok?"
He opens the front door and waves the ambulance down and they come up the stairs. I had no clothes on because my body was overheating so badly I couldn't stand being in clothes. I was sweating so badly. Dick grabs me some pants and a shirt and hands them to the paramedics so they could try to put them on me.
"Ma'am" I hear their voices but I can't make out their faces. "Ma'am we need you to put these clothes on."
I throw up in the bag one last time before passing out again.
I can hear their voices, I can hear, everything I just can't respond anymore my body isn't letting me talk.
If I let go... I don't have to keep going. If I let go...if I stop fighting...
Then something clicks in me and my brain starts playing my favorite memories of when Miguel and I were together, if I stop fighting, I don't get to see him smile, I don't get to see him... be happy. I don't get to see him or talk to him at least once a year anymore.
I feel myself move an arm then I open my eyes and ask "where's my shirt"
As the paramedics help me get dressed I continue to throw up on the floor. They help me out the door then carry me to the ambulance. When we get in there they put a heart monitor on me and as soon as it connects they watch my vitals tank and I pass out.
"She's out again," it's a male taking care of me that all I can make out from that voice, "what's her name," he asks.
"Jessica," I hear Dick respond.
"Jessica you need to stay with me, wake up, c'mon you gotta fight this"
I can feel the pressure of his hand around my arm as he holds it so he can put an IV in, then I feel something cold go through my veins.
Once the cold spreads I wake up and I throw up again. The ambulance starts moving to the closest hospital and even though he woke me up with whatever was in that medicine, I couldn't stay awake.
I guess he saw my eyes drifting or my vitals tanking because he started again, "Jessica talk to me say something fight it and stay awake," he sounds like he's genuinely worried.
I look the paramedic in the face and I say "you know... my brother is an EMT. He's really cool I think-"
I pass out again and all I can hear is, "c'mon Jessica stay with me! Stay with me!"
When I wake up again I throw up and as he wipes my mouth I say to him, "I think you would like my brother, he's my best friend and I don't know what I would do without him. I miss him a lot actually"
"Yeah? Tell me more about your brother," he tried to keep me talking but I couldn't stop throwing up.
As they pull up to the hospital they call for nurses and a doctor, then they wheel me out of the ambulance. As they wheeled me out my vitals tanked again, but right before they could use the defibrillator my eyes opened and I threw up I don't know how long I was passed out this time. All I know is it takes a long time to get me stable and in between pass outs I beg Dick to call my mom, but when I wake up he says she didn't answer. So I beg him to call my grandparents then.
Once it has been an hour since I last passed out, they give me a cup and ask me to pee in it then they tell me they need to do an ultrasound on my stomach amongst other tests so they need to also draw blood.
The nurse helps me to my bedside toilet and pee in a cup, then when I lay back down they take my blood. After this they take me to my ultrasound, then return me to my room.
I don't know how long it takes but this time it's been awhile, a long long while. The doctor comes in and tells me I am pregnant, and he doesn't know why but there's a lot of free fluid in my abdomen.
"I'm pregnant," I say shocked but happy.
"Yes ma'am but it's likely to be an ectopic pregnancy so we'll have to do surgery to find out if it's not we still have to take out the baby because it would have been damaged due to the surgery."
"What no, don't I was told I wouldn't be able to have kids. This might be my only chance, please."
The doctor leaves the room and Dick calls my grandparents for advice. Once they tell him what to say to advocate for me they take me for another ultrasound and they look and find it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy, but they still cannot figure out how or where the fluid came from. They decide to keep me overnight for observation, then they will see how I do in the morning.