The Aftermath

Breakups

After a few days of frantically checking my phone for updates, and a few long nights of crying, I stop messaging. I end up crying a lot when I realize Miguel isn't coming back but I stop messaging. At least... to check on him if he's okay, I just... send him greetings on holidays and get left on read, or I just check on Xbox to see if he's logged on. If I see he has I feel a little better knowing he's alive and at least well enough to be on Xbox.
So far I've had to wish him a Happy Halloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Easter and a happy birthday. Of course he never answers, so I just... try to keep moving forward. I work on myself to get better for when he does come back. I try to work on my triggers. I try to work on my abandonment issues, my trauma... everything. At this point I haven't thought about suicide in a long time, and I haven't cut in a very very long time. I started therapy and I talk about my mom... and everything else that happened. My therapist recommended me getting something that reminds me of him that would help me cope... that might help me let go. And I'm trying to figure out what I could use, but as time progresses I'm getting used to sleeping alone... I'm getting used to the idea of honestly staying single and I actually run it by therapist... and I tell them my reasoning. And though this is something I decided this in the summer that I had my child... I was questioning if it was okay and valid and as it turns out my grandparents and my therapist all agree that it's what's best until I can figure out how to move forward in life and stop feeling what I'm feeling for Miguel or until he comes back in my life for good and we work things out or whatever he decides. But I was correct in what I wanted to do is my point. And as time goes on... and June comes again... I'm praying for him to text me. It's happened this time of year every year for the past 4. I lay in bed with his ringer up every night hoping for him to text. I sometimes find myself talking to my friends about him, looking at his socials and hoping he'll text me. I start to debate if I should even friend request him on anything. If I should even attempt to speak again to him.
Sometimes I find myself watching the clock or my phone for notifications. I'm waiting... just waiting.
I just want a sign... a sign that you're coming back to me. That you're not going to leave me... that what I felt... what I feel isn't some utter bs that I thought could possibly happen for me because it's how love stories go. And granted... movies are movies and I know fairytale endings never happen... but I just want this once... for the hand life dealt to me... have something good come out of it.
****
As life continues on, I end up getting a job right out of graduation. For graduation, I ended up with a 3.6 GPA and I passed my certification test. So a couple weeks after graduation, I end up going right to work. And even though I was kicking ass at work and earning bonuses within the first three months... I still... thought of Miguel. My therapist ended up suggesting that I should write a letter to him, at least once a week. She said maybe it'll help with the fact that you miss him, especially since you feel he's missing a big part of your life. Which she wasn't wrong, but it made me think about how he would react what he would say back, and honestly I've always been good at predicting what would come next with him. And it wasn't a bad predicting it was a... comforting, I feel safe and I know this person inside and out type of feeling.
I started doing what my therapist suggested and I keep the notebook in my desk and I write... I write a lot and I think to myself,
One day... when he gets back... I will let him read this... but only if he stays. He doesn't get to see me like this until I know he stays.
Knowing me I might blow it, and he might leave again if he does come back. But.... Who knows? Maybe he'll surprise me.
****
When September comes, I finally get the courage to friend him on Facebook... he doesn't accept it not for awhile. I start second guessing myself, and trying to reason with why.
You know him well enough to know that he doesn't check his socials... but you also know he's ignored you for years... he'll you even friended him on Instagram and it's been sitting there for a long while now. But then again... he also keeps coming back... so maybe you're right he just hasn't looked yet.
As I continue to battle myself I get a warm feeling then the thought pops into my head again. And I feel certain he is going to come back again.
What... the fuck.
****
A few days pass, and I feel an excitement growing... one I feel when a reunion is about to take place and I can't help it. I get so happy so excited. But I try to keep calm.
****
IT HAPPENED IT HAPPENED IT TRULY HAPPENED!!!
He confessed his love to me and everything... he... he told me he loved me. He will always love me and he's convinced we are meant to be. He pretty much said he felt how I felt. I can't believe...it's finally happening.
****
As time goes on... and we've been talking longer... I feel myself... getting scared he's going to leave again. It's a growing fear. And honestly, it's gotten better as time went on... but when he doesn't texts in about 24 hours now... I feel the panic settling in. At first it was if he doesn't text in 8 then it was 12 now it's 24. And it hasn't budged in some time. I don't want to lose him. I don't want him... to walk away again. Even if he's only my best friend, at the end of the day, I'll be happy if he's happy. I want him... to remain a constant in my life. And yes... I have decided to stay single if he and I don't work out, but that's simply because I will never find a love as true... as the one I feel for Miguel.