The Aftermath

How To Deal

As 2018 is coming to a close, I left Dick and started dating Evan. And though Evan seems to check all the boxes and he does everything Miguel would have done, he's not Miguel. I thought as soon as I got a guy that treats me as well as Miguel did, I would fall in love. That maybe I could finally let him go... but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't let him go.
"Jessie, I feel like there's someone you're holding onto," Evan sits next to me on the curb while he lets Dick use his car for a road test.
I tilt my head and study Evan's face, "what do you mean?"
He sighs and starts again, "I feel like... you're holding onto Dick. And you can't let go so you're not fully in this relationship."
He's not wrong... I can't let go of someone but it isn't dick. If Miguel came back in a heartbeat I'd drop all of them.
"I am holding into someone, Evan...but it's not Dick. It's someone else. If I'm being honest... y'all have just been place holders which I know was wrong of me... but y'all aren't who I want. I don't tell Dick that because he then threatens to kill himself or he would end up beating me...but... nonetheless you are correct."
Evan stops and thinks for a moment, then he hugs me.
"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me and honestly I won't tell your brother any of this... for all he knows we ended on decent terms and that's it."
I nod a little, "look I know this is a lot to ask but... can you still take me to college so I can finish the semester? My mom doesn't want to take me and if I don't go... well I obviously fail."
Evan nods, "of course... I'll tell Xavier that we broke up after I drop you off"
I hug Evan tightly as Dick pulls up.
"I fucking failed. I failed. Because i touched the-" I start zoning out and thinking about how Evan honestly deserves the best girl in life since he would go to any means to keep people happy even if he doesn't agree with it. That he's such a good guy and I hope he finds someone that he deserves and that treats him well.
"Jessie we gotta go get your stuff so I can drop you off at college, Dick do you want to come along?"
Dick nods, "I need to fucking get away from here I'm pissed"
Evan let's me practice driving by driving most of the way to the college and when he drops me off he helps me bring my stuff into my dorm. He hugs me one last time then that's the last I heard from him.
Dick texts me an hour later telling me how Evan dropped him off on the side of the highway and I start laughing.
He did tell me he wouldn't tell my brothers or beat his ass... I guess this is the next best thing.
Dick starts demanding I pay for his Uber or he's going to kill himself by walking in front of a car so I buy him an Uber, then he messages me asking why I didn't route it back to the college.

Message to Dick:
"Because you're trespassed and I want to finish my semester. You fucked up. You deal with it. I gotta get ready for class tomorrow. Good luck"

I ignore him the rest of the evening and I go to hang out with my stoner friends.
"Are we getting lit tonight," I ask as soon as I walk in.
"Heeeelll yeah," Jenny says. They're always down to be stoned and we always share so finding a link to get weed wasn't hard at all for me.
"Bet, do y'all want me to roll?"
"Yes please, I don't know how but you always get them so perfect, Jessie." Jenny's girlfriend actually turned out to always clean me up when I was too plastered to do anything. And by clean me up I mean she helped me get to the bathroom to throw up on multiple occasions. She's also the one that knows the most about Miguel because I started talking to her about him and she knows I really don't give a shit about any other relationship that I've been in because I miss Miguel. So I guess you could say me and Elizabeth were the best of friends.
"Okay I'll roll," Elizabeth gets up from the chair at the desk and I start to roll the blunt, "we're going on the trail by the train tracks to smoke?"
Elizabeth smiles and jokingly says, "uh... yeah is there any other way?"
Jenny laughs a little and so do I and once I finish rolling we go out to the tracks.
****
As me and Elizabeth smoke, Jenny trails behind us. Jenny didn't like to smoke because it made him paranoid but Elizabeth loves to smoke as much as I do.
"Hey so Jess, my friend that I buy from has carts to offer."
"Like for dab pens?"
She nods, "do you want one they're like 45 bucks?"
I wouldn't have to leave the dorm anymore to smoke and I could get high during class and no one would know, "sure."
Elizabeth gets excited then asks, "do you have an adapter for your vape?"
I pull my vape out my back pocket and show it to her, "perfect," she says, "this is perfect."
"Cool I'll Venmo you the 45 bucks and you can give your friend the money? Or do you want me to go with you?"
"Oooo can you come with me," she excitedly asks me. I know most of the excitement is because she's high but it's still adorable.
"Yeah I'll go. Let's go get them, off on a journey we go"
"Oh boy..." I hear Jenny sarcastically say.
"Jenny shush you know you love our adventures," I laugh as I say this.
"Of course I do," he responds.
****
After we get our carts, we go to Elizabeth's room and start making ramen. Normally, me and Elizabeth get super hungry so we eat a lot of food when we're stoned. She made one spicy ramen and one regular ramen each and we started watching movies as we each at from both spicy and regular ramen.
"Best idea ever," I say to Elizabeth as she laughs
"So... Jessie... has Miguel messaged you yet?"
I put my fork down slowly and I look down at my lap, "...um... no... actually... but it's fine. It's fine I'll be ok. He'll come back if it's meant to be right?"
She looked at me concerned as I teared up, she's never seen me cry while high. I was always a giggly bubbly sensation.
"Of course love, and when he does he'll have questions of course but if he loves you truly...he'll understand."
I nod and go back to eating my ramen.
I was doing so good too...