The Aftermath

Ghost of You

This summer following my second year of college I am supposed to get my tonsils out. Before I could do that, I went on a camping trip with Dick and a couple of friends. If I am being honest, that was a few weeks ago and I don't remember anything. I was stoned the entire time. Or I was drunk. One of the two. I didn't want to deal with Dick so I kept smoking and drinking and honestly it made things bearable until he went through my phone and he saw me talking to Elizabeth about Miguel. That's the only part I remember. And I know I'm getting worse... and worse... but it's the only thing that keeps me from cutting myself and that makes me stop thinking about Miguel.
"How could you?! I thought we were getting back together!" Dick wakes me up by yelling at me.
"What are you talking about," god my head is hurting.
"I'm talking about the fact that you're telling Elizabeth that you're only with me so you're not alone," he says back to me.
"Oh... you tell me the same thing all the time, so what's the problem?"
As he continues to yell and scream at him I was unfazed.
Why would I care? He always compares me to his fling, to girls on Instagram, to his ex also. He always tells me he wishes he wasn't stuck with me. Yet he wants to get back together? Hm... more like he wants unlimited access to my body.
After the fight we end up going home and we don't talk for a week or so. 
****
During that week or so, I end up getting my tonsils out. While still under the influence of the drugs, my mom, tries to mess with me. I tell her to stop multiple times until finally I had enough. And I couldn't control what came out of my mouth, all I could tell her was how she was so fucked in the head and how she was so busy living vicariously through me and forcing me to do these things that she doesn't think about what I want. What I wanna be what would make me happy. I told her she ruined my chance to be truly happy and no one else compared to Miguel no matter how good the guy is to me. I couldn't control it. I couldn't help it. Everything kept spilling out. I kept going off until we got home and I asked if she could call Miguel. If she could beg for him to come back for me. Instead she dialed Dick's number and told him to just sit on the phone quietly with me.
****
The past week of recovery was a blur, but it was mostly filled with dreams of Miguel. If he came back what he would say... what I would say. That I would beg him to run away with me. Maybe it was the codeine in the medicine they gave me. The next time my mom tries to give it to me I push it away. I don't care how much pain I'm in I don't want it. She looks at me shocked, "why aren't you taking it?"
"I'm fine, I don't want it," I tell her
"You're gonna be in pain later," she says back.
"Cool, maybe it'll teach me how to be a better person since you can't seem to do that," I say back to her.
Well I guess I still have it in my system.
She glares at me and gets up.
"You're lucky you're going to the doctor in two days, otherwise I'd beat your ass."
This past summer she let me get my license so I can drive now. I told my mom that I was going to hang out with friends after my appointment so she was letting me drive myself to the appointment. Which finally... I get freedom away from her.
****
After my appointment, I drive back to Miguel's old road and I go back to the spot we spent a lot of time in when we just wanted to talk and hang out. As I sit here with the car in park I stare at the grass in front of me, then I start crying.
I miss him. I can't do this anymore... this faking this acting like him not being in my life doesn't affect me. And I know I'm taking steps to not have to deal with my parents anymore. Hell I learned to drive on my own and got my license. I fought for myself I've been advocating for myself, but I can't handle this feeling of emptiness anymore.
As I continue crying take a deep breath and I just stare off. I continue thinking on what I can do to improve, and thinking of what I can do to get out of there sooner and how I could feel less empty how I could feel less alone. But honestly I feel more alone than I've ever felt in my life.
****
After I'm fully healed, my parents take me to the dealership, and honestly I don't want to go through step by step of what happened that day. So I'll give a brief summary. My mom told me if I don't get a car from the dealership today, I won't me going to college. She'll force me to drop out, because she doesn't feel like driving me anymore. She wrote a fake check to the dealer for 4,000 dollars and told me to get the money one way or another and to figure it out.
So today I am driving to college with everything packed in my car, and I start applying for jobs. I get the job for a motel 6 housekeeper and I end up trying to save the money. My parents start harassing me constantly and the pressure becomes worse and worse.
Then when I get to my dorm one day after work and a doctors appointment, I see Dick. My roommate invited him over, so I look at him then at her. I say one sentence, "take care of it."
Then off to Elizabeth's I go. I spend the weekend there and I go to my classes and another doctors appointment then when I go by my dorm to pick up things for the evening I hear a knock on the door.
"Campus safety," says the campus officer.
When I open the door they ask where Dick is, so I point to the room and say, "on my roommates bed."
When they go in the room all I hear is what sounds like Dick being punched in the stomach and a thud. He then gets arrested and is taken away in a campus car. When the officer leaves she says one thing to me, "he's going to ruin your life."
Cool.
****
I had to pick Dick up from the police station and he was fined 500 dollars for trespassing. No one else would pick him up, and I honestly felt bad for his stupid decision. I bought him a night in the hotel room and then I went back to my dorm and went to bed. That weekend I went to a concert and I took Dick with me because I didn't want to take my roommate. Now, tonight, I am beyond pissed with Dick.
"Who did you say you were going to see?!"
"I told them your roommate, why?"
"Because now I'm being charged with your bullshit. Your mistake. I was being nice and helping you out by picking you up and taking you with me to the fucking concert because my roommate decided to be an ass and report you after you spent the weekend fucking her, are you serious?"
Fuck fuck fuck. This means I'm getting suspended. I won't get my refund, I won't be able to pay for the car, I won't be able to do anything. I have to pick up more hours.
The next day I ask for more hours at work. My manager said yes so I would be getting up at 5 am doing extra and leaving before I was late to class. Great. Fucking great. At least it'll be this way until I get expelled. Then it won't even matter. Along with that I need to pay money for rent... I could sleep in my car... never mind I'll save money and sleep in my car. Dick can fend for himself.
As the week before my school trial continues on I wake up at 5 am, do my rooms at work, go to school, go back to work and ask if there was anything else to do, then go sleep in my car so I wouldn't have to deal with my roommate.
When the day of the trial comes I tell them my side of the story and sure enough it wasn't sufficient with what my roommate said. And my roommate was in a sorority, so they weren't going to NOT believe her as they said. So by default I got expelled for a year. Great... great....
****
After I was expelled, I slept in my car in the parking lot of my job for two weeks. If I finished working before sundown I would just hang out in the parking lot and wait until the sun was down then sleep there. I didn't eat anything I was trying to make my payment of 4,000 dollars so my mom wouldn't go to jail.
Then it finally happened... Miguel messaged me.

Message from Miguel:
"Hey... when you have a minute can we call and catch up?"

Message to Miguel:
"I have a minute right now, call me though texting isn't something I do much of anymore anyways"

As soon as he reads it he calls me,
"Hey scrub, how are you?"
My eyes well up with tears but I try my best to play like I'm okay.
"I'm good everything is good it's all good."
"Jessie... what's wrong"
This man can still read me like a book, and as soon as I hear him say that I break and I tell him everything that was going on currently.
"I just don't know what to do Miguel, I need advice please help me."
"Jessie... it'll all be okay, it'll be okay... breathe... you're doing all you can do right now... you're doing your best... how does Dick treat you?"
When I explain we fight constantly, he's hit me a few times, and he screams at me if he doesn't get what he wants I can feel the anger in Miguel.
"Do you want me to take care of it for you? I can do that."
I laugh and sniffle a little, "no... no Miguel... no it's okay..."
He continues trying to play, "are you sure? I'll do it. It'll be like pop pop pop then you don't gotta deal with him."
I start laughing more, "How is it that you know what jokes to make to make me laugh all the time?"
I could feel his smile through the phone, "I don't know... I just know you."
This was the first sense of... feeling whole in a long time. I felt warm... I felt happy. I missed him.
"How are you Miguel?"
"I'm good, I'm good. Me and my Girl-"
"You have a girlfriend now," I ask him, I felt my stomach drop and I felt instantly sick.
"Yeah... I do."
"Does she treat you well?"
"Yeah... tonight is actually date night so I gotta go soon," he says in response.
My eyes well up with tears a little, but I try not to let him hear me, "o-oh... well I'll let you go so you can have a good time. Text me soon?"
"Yeah... I'll check in tomorrow."
I nod even though he couldn't see me, "have fun!"
I end the call and I cry hard.
Im not what he wants and I don't blame him, but I wish I fucking was.