Poems of the Past

Unwanted Utopia

I opened my eyes as I could see a paradise in front of me. A natural beauty filled with hope and light. Knowing I stepped onto dangerous ground, I proceeded to carefully explore these lands. I sense cheer and passion. I wanted more every damn second. The very steps I took, made me forget the decisions I made in the past. But every once in a while I look back into my past as well. The trail I left behind fades away the further I continue my journey. Looking back makes it difficult to proceed into the future. Even while we do this all the time, we continue. And so I did with this explicit piece of land. A utopian addiction. Is this what I want? Or shall it be like the last time I discovered a gem like this? It was too soon for me, I knew that. But the feeling was too strong for me to stand still and watch the flowers bloom. It was an addiction. A type of drug. It made me sick. Sick inside my mind. I didn't notice until I saw a familiar flower. One that had this type of luring connected to it. I felt its pain. I heard its screams, silent yet sharp. Its roots travelled miles and miles underneath the surface. Throughout the entire landscape. I wanted to pick the flower. To end the suffering. But I couldn't. I didn't have permission to get even close to it. So there I stood, contemplating what to do next. With hurt, I turned my back towards the hollow flower and continued my journey exploring the lands. But I could hear its heartbeat crying in my mind. Second after second. Sting after sting. The pressure tore me apart from the inside out. A thousand blades piercing me at once. Throughout my watery eyes, I couldn't see the landscape clearly anymore. The feelings I experienced once I first got here faded away. I tried to hold onto it, but I was only left with something I made up. It wasn't even true anymore. It wasn't alive. It was now only an unwanted utopia that suffocated me every time I set foot on it.

So now I'm here. Balancing on the border of two landscapes. Wondering what the hell I am even doing. I am following this border to reach out for something new. Still wanting to be in contact with the two, but not wanting to let them go. Both are gorgeous in their own ways and shapes. But exploring further makes my mind twisted into a knot, and my body numb. So sometimes I wonder, who's exploring my landscape? And how shall they react towards the things they shall discover on their journey? All I know is that eventually, you can settle down once you found your ideal surface to live on. And live your life not looking for other ones.