Logan

14| Flashbacks

*TW* This chapter contains scenes of self-harm and flashbacks.

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I wake up around midnight to Dani on the floor next to the bed and Christian's arm wrapped protectively around my waist. I slowly wiggle out of his arms and make my way into the kitchen to get a drink. I quietly walk into the kitchen and grab a water bottle from the fridge. I close the door and nearly have a heart attack.

"What the hell Christian?" I whisper yell. "You can't just sneak up on me like that,"

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to say goodbye. I have to head back home."

"Oh ok, well goodnight. See you Monday," He nods and heads towards the door. He grabs his keys and walks out the door. I watch out the window as he gets in his car and drives away. I make my way quietly back to my room. I nudge Dani awake.

"Hey, you don't have to sleep on the floor. There's room in the bed." I whisper.

"What about lover boy?" She teases groggily.

"Oh shut up and come cuddle with me," She laughs quietly and climbs back into the bed. She rolls over and wraps her arm around me protectively and we both fall asleep quickly. I am in and out of sleep all night with images of that night and Brandon flashing through my head. 

I wake up pretty early and decide to go make breakfast. Taylor and Summer wake up a little after me but Dani is dead asleep.

"How'd you guys sleep last night on that small couch?"

"It was ok, Taylor was basically glued to me so there was no possibility of falling." Summer giggles.

"What? I like to cuddle." Taylor says slightly offended.

"It's fine, I didn't mind too much." Summer says with a smirk. I look between them with a knowing smile, neither of them noticing. They are pretty oblivious if you ask me.

"What's up hotties," Dani says walking down the hall towards the kitchen.

"Nothing much," I say smirking. Dani looks confused. I mouth later to her and she nods slightly. Summer helps me finish breakfast then we all sit down to eat.

"Logan, how are you doing after yesterday?" Taylor asks. I shrug.

"Honestly I don't know. It was all kinda sudden."

"That makes sense. Just don't forget that if you need anything we are here for you," I nod, grateful to have them.

"I mean you also have your boyfriend," Dani says, raising her eyebrows suggestively. 

"I have no idea what you're talking about,"

"Oh please, you two were all snuggled up to each other all night. I woke up in the middle of the night and you were all wrapped up in each other sleeping," Summer says.

"That doesn't mean he's my boyfriend,"

"Well, he was also the first one of us you told about Brandon," 

"That's because he kept asking questions,"

"Sure, also he was the one who calmed you down and kept you from getting a felony yesterday," Taylor says.

"That still doesn't count, he was just trying to protect me."

"Yeah because he likes you and wants to keep you safe." Summer says.

"Yeah because we're friends, nothing more."

"Fine, deny it all you want but we're right," Dani says. I shake my head and finish eating my breakfast.

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*TW* In case you missed the first one. There are scenes of self-harm and flashback.

After the girls leave I decide to go take a shower. I grab a change of clothes and towels then close the bathroom door. I undress and hop on the shower. I start to wash my hair and body when I am hit with an overwhelming panic.

Images of Brandon on top of me start swirling around my mind. I try to calm myself down but the more I try the worse it gets. I can feel it. I can feel all of it. It's like it's happening all over again. I can feel him kissing me. I can feel his hands begin to wander. I can hear him talking to me. I can hear him trying to convince me. I feel his hands make their way under my clothes. Wandering my body as if it's some sort of terrain to explore.

I feel his hands start to slide my jeans down and I hear him unzipping his pants. I shake my head trying to get rid of the images in my head. My breathing has become really heavy and I can tell I'm having a panic attack. His hands are all over me, stroking and groping, taking whatever he wanted. He pushes himself inside me and I cry out in pain. I can still feel it, it's like he's right here in my bathroom. He grunts as he pushes in and out.

I try to hold in the cries of pain as I feel the phantom pains of what happened all those months ago. It's like it's happening all over again. Like I'm reliving my worst nightmare.

I cry even harder. His hands are all over. They're everywhere. All over. Never-ending. I need it to stop. I can hear it all. I hear him moaning my name. I want to crawl out of my skin. His hands won't stop roaming. I want it to stop. He won't stop. All I feel is pure terror as I crouch in my shower, tears streaming down my face. I just need this feeling to stop. I need him to be gone. 

I grab my razor off of the ledge it sits on. I turn it over in my hands. My tears blurring my view. I can't seem to escape the feeling of him. I take out one of the blades. I try taking a deep breath. I shouldn't be doing this. I should just put the blade down. He keeps touching me inside and out. He keeps moaning in my ear. I need it to stop.

I take the blade to my thigh. No, I shouldn't do this again. I let the blade sink into my skin, relishing in the pain and relief I feel. The feelings of his touch start to subside. I lift the blade and make two more cuts. I sigh with relief. I try to control my uneven breathing.

There's a knock on my bathroom door. "Honey is everything alright in there? You've been in there for over an hour?" My mom calls. I take a deep breath.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just enjoying the warm water"

"Alright, just checking in on you honey. Love you."

"Love you too" I sigh setting the blade on the edge of the tub. I turn off the shower and grab a towel. I dry off, wincing once I get to the cuts on my thigh. I grab a bandage from my cabinet and carefully cover the marks. I change into the sweats and t-shirt I grabbed and walked back into my room.

I shut my door and lock it once in my room. I turn on some loud music and sit on my bed. I feel like crying but there's nothing left. So I just lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling.

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Author's note: I know it can be tough and hard when you relapse not only with self-harm but anything but it is important to remember that recovery and growth are not linear. You can't just measure your recovery on the fact that you have stopped something you also have to measure your recovery on how your mindset about that thing has changed. Even if you relapse the way you feel about it can change and that is just as important as stopping.

Please be careful and treat yourselves nicely.<3 XO my lovely readers.

Love, Marie