Logan

16| Ok fine, I'm stalling

TW* This chapter contains mentions of sexual assault and self-harm*

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After school Christian follows me home so we don't have to worry about leaving a car. When we pull up to my house I see that my parents aren't home.

With everything that happened with Brandon being home alone with a guy is weird. I fully trust Christian but it still feels strange to me. When we walk into the house I take my bags to my room and then meet Christian in the kitchen.

"Do you want something to eat?" I ask fidgeting with the rings on my hand.

"Stop stalling, what do you want to talk to me about?" He asks me softly.

"I'm not stalling," Christian gives me a look. "Ok fine, I'm stalling,"

"Come on, what do you need to tell me," 

"I need to talk to you about what happened Friday,"

"You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to," He says

"No, I need to say this," He nods. "When I was talking to Brandon on Friday I'm sure you picked up on a few pretty personal things, I think you know where this is going," I tiptoe around the point not quite sure how to outright say it.

"You mean when you said you tried to kill yourself?" He asks cautiously. I nod. "You really don't have to talk about-"

"Please stop saying that, I need to talk to someone about it," I say getting a little irritated. I move to sit on the kitchen island as Christian leans against the counter across from me.

"What about Meg?"

"Meg already knows and besides I need someone here to talk to,"

"But why me?"

"I don't know, I trust you?" I sigh. "I don't really know it just feels right talking to you,"

"I don't really get it either but I know what you mean, it feels safe right?"

"Yeah it does," I reply with a smile. "I trust you and I trust that what I tell you is between us unless I want to tell others ok?"

"Ok,"

"Here we go," I take a deep breath. "Back in California the night it happened my parents were supposed to be away. Brandon had convinced me to go hang out at my house, I told him that nothing was going to happen between us and he told me he understood. So we went to my room and decided to watch a movie. After a bit, he started to kiss me, which I was fine with at first, but after a bit, I could tell something was off, you know? Like I could tell his intentions were bad." Christian nods. "So I pulled away from him but he just got rougher, after I refused him he forced the kiss and kept touching me. Eventually, he just held me in place while he did what he wanted."

"What a bastard," He mutters.

"He talked about how he had waited so long for what he deserved like I was some kind of prize," I say anger filling me. "When I still refused he took what he wanted, once he had what he wanted he left. My parents came home an hour later, they were supposed to be going on a date night but my mom had this sinking feeling that something had happened to me,"

"She convinced my dad that they had to come back and check on me and if everything was fine they would go on their date. I don't know what I would have done if they didn't come home then. But when they got home my mom was calling my name but it was like I was frozen and couldn't respond. Finally, she came into my room and found me. I was on my bed in a small puddle of blood, wrapped in nothing but a blanket. I was so out of it that I couldn't even speak to her at first," I pause taking a deep breath.

"Take your time, there's no rush," I nod.

"As soon as she saw me she called my dad. When she tried to come near her I backed away. I wouldn't let anyone touch me unless it was absolutely necessary for weeks after. When my dad came in and saw me I could tell it broke him. I can never unsee the look of pain when he saw me. My mom kept asking me what happened but I wouldn't tell her. She was trying to help me but I was just so scared and hurt," I can feel tears starting to form.

"Hey, it's alright,"

"After I told her what happened I watched her fall apart, she's always been the rock in our family so you know that when she breaks down it's serious. After that we went to the police, they had me stip down so they could get pictures of me," I shudder remembering the experience. "They did the rape kit and were actually able to get DNA. We were so happy because we thought that meant he would get caught. we thought we had him. But once we took it to court they dismissed it saying there wasn't enough evidence, which was wrong, they had the bruises, the DNA, they had everything but-"

"But they let him go,"

"Yeah, and after that, I felt so defeated. I just wanted everything to be better. And when he wasn't even charged I lost hope. Everyone hated me because they thought I was just some girl who cried rape. Things weren't getting better, I regretted even coming forward but more than that I blamed myself, I think I still do a little. I blamed myself for letting him in, for letting him get to that point,"

"That's not your fault,"

"I know that now but last year I was just scared and hurt and I had just had everyone I knew turn on me. Except for my family and Meg. People were angry with me for trying to ruin his life and one day I was just tired of it so I came up with a plan. I thought that since no one liked me anymore they wouldn't mind if I was gone for good so I grabbed a razor blade and started cutting my legs. The first time I tried I was still scared and didn't do any real damage but the second time I cut really deep and was bleeding all over the bathroom floor. My mom came in and found me in a pool of my own blood and called 911 immediately. They were able to stop the bleeding and gave me a transfusion."

"After that, I was even angrier at myself, my parents were worried and I was mad that I failed. I started seeing a therapist and was making real progress until I had an intense run-in with Brandon and I relapsed. I talked to people about it that time but it was clear being around there was a problem. We even tried homeschooling for a while but I couldn't handle being near my room most of the time. So we decided it would be best to move away and everything was going fine until Friday. After everyone left Saturday morning, I relapsed," I slide my skirt up my leg to show the cuts that were healing. Christian moves forward and gently traces over the cuts making me shudder.

"Does that hurt?"

"No,"

"Come here," Christian says.

"Why,"

"Because," He says opening his arms. I adjust to where I am at the edge of the counter so he can hug me easier and let him embrace me tightly. He holds me for a couple of minutes before letting me go. "Why don't we go lay down or something? You look tired," I look at him suddenly realizing how tired I am.

"Ok, let's go to my room if you're comfortable with that,"

"I am. Are you comfortable with me being in your room?"

"Yeah, you've been in there before,"

"Yeah but not just me, I just want you to be comfortable," I nod and slide off of the counter. I grab his hand and start leading him to my room. He sits at the end of my bed as I grab a pair of athletic shorts.

"I'm going to change and then I will be right back," He nods and I head into the bathroom. When I am done changing I see him laying down in my bed. I climb into bed and curl up against him. He wraps his arm around me and I start to drift off.

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I am so proud of this book so far and I hope you guys are enjoying it as much as I am. This has gone in such a different direction that I saw it going in the beginning but I am not mad about it. We are almost halfway done and I am both excited and sad that it is getting so close to being done. For one I will be happy because it gives me a chance to work on new books but it also means that my first book will be over. XO my lovely readers.

Love, Marie