Breathin' (Jerrie)

Chapter 2 - Inner Thoughts

What is that?

I start to stir out of sleep when I feel something velvety swipe across my face. I groggily open my eyes, squinting slightly at the brightness, but it soon turns into a smile when I see my beautiful baby Hatchi.

"You waking up mammy Hatchi?" I mumble in my baby voice, causing his tail to wag even faster than it had been. I cradle his head into my body and give little kisses to his fur.

I yawn and slowly sit up, trying to be careful of the little doggy on my stomach and look to the empty space next to me. That's when everything from last night hits me. The nightmare. Waking up. Panic Attack. Alex. That explains the uneasy mood I've woken up in.

Speaking of Alex, he must've left already for training. I've always been one to sleep in, even more so when a panic attack is involved. I reach shakily for my phone, which I'm surprised to see is on charge. I silently thank Alex and switch it on to see that its 11am. Alex would have been gone for a while and probably won't be back for a few more hours.

Part of me hoped that he wouldn't have gone today and that he would've stayed with me. Last night was the first attack I'd had since a a couple months ago when lockdown was more active. Before corona though, I hadn't had a panic attack in nearly two years. I knew that this whole situation would increase my anxiety and maybe bring back an attack or two, but now? It's June and things are easing off, there's still a lot of uncertainty but it's better than it was. It just seems so out of the blue.

I'm still really shaken up and I just want Alex here for some comfort. When I was at my worse a few years ago, I developed a fear of being on my own. It's gotten so much better over the years, I still have my moments but I can function. On days like these though, I don't like being on my own. It really freaks me out.

Alex can't babysit you, he has a life too.

I sit and stare at my baby, trying to ignore my inner battle. I giggle slightly when he tries to roll onto his back and falls off of my lap onto the bed. I rub his now exposed stomach, not just to please him, but to sooth myself as well.

"You're such a good boy Hatch." It sucks that this little doggy will never be able to comprehend how much he helps me. "Stay with mam today, yeah? I might need a bit more love than usual."

"Well that's what I'm here for."

I turn my body around so fast when I hear my love's voice. He's standing in the doorway with a tray full of breakfast for the two of us.

"W-what are you doing here?" I exclaim in shock. The voices in my head had me convinced that he left me this morning. "I thought you had training?"

"Did you really think I was gonna go after last night?" I blush at his words and nodded, looking away from him. He didn't say anything and it made me uneasy, I subconsciously started fiddling with the duvet. I stop when a warm hand covers mine and another touches my chin, pulling it back toward Alex. "Look at me." So I did. I slowly let my eyes meet his and as soon as they do I crumble.

"A-Alex..." I don't know where all this emotion comes from but it's too much, I can't help but burst.

As soon as he sees my eyes begin to water, he reacts quickly. He gently places the breakfast tray down on the chest of drawers and moves over to wrap his strong arms around me.

"I'm here babe." He kisses the side of my head whilst one of his scratches gently against my stomach. I cringe slightly when I feel him trace my scar, but it's easily disguised by my tears. "What's going on in your head?"

What isn't going on in my head?

"I-I don't know. I'm just scared." I'm not necessarily lying, but I'm not disclosing the full truth. I forget however, that he knows me too well and can sense this.