Breathin' (Jerrie)

Chapter 9 - Things Aren't Good

TW// References to eating issues and drinking

The shoot had gone somewhat smoothly. Well as smooth as a Little Mix video shoot can go.

Because it wasn't a real music video, only a karaoke lyric video, the shoot was a lot more relaxed than usual. The amount of pressure on us was lessened drastically and we were encouraged by the director to just have fun with it. Isn't that what 'Holiday' was all about?

Everyone seemed to be in such a good mood. I don't know if it was because they were happy
to be back at work or if it was seeing everyone again. I really didn't feel good at all and wanted nothing more than to crawl into a ball and shut the world out, but I couldn't. I did what I do best: put on a fake smile.

I tried being as typically 'Perrie' as possible. I danced as cheery as I could manage in my miserable state, even using the curtains and getting a bit stuck in them, making everyone laugh. I chose the flower as a prop to pretend to 'smell' it which prompted Jade to yell whilst laughing "Perrie you're such a dick". I was hoping it would throw the girls off their trail in which there was something 'wrong' with me.

We finished extremely early for us at 4pm, it was practically just the girls and I in the same spot for a 3 minute video; there wasn't much need for anything else. I was absolutely exhausted having been awake since 12am and only managing to get 3 hours sleep before that. Pair that with my ever-growing anxiety and you can safely say that I'm done. All I want to do is go back to my room and lay in bed for the rest of time. Okay slight exaggeration but you get the jist.

I'd tried to force the anxiety down all day but it was starting overflow and I knew that a panic attack was due. I didn't ring Kareem yet to come pick me up because the thought of being alone in a car right now was making me sick to my stomach. I could do this morning fine, but the day has worn me thin.

I'm kind of glad that the girls wanted to hang out after the shoot as it would mean I wouldn't be by myself. I just really didn't want them to be there to witness me break, especially when I'd been lying to them for months about how I'd really been dealing.

Leigh had driven here, everyone else had taken a private car or taxi, so she offered to drive us girls to Jade's flat as she lived the closest. We also asked Zack if he wanted to hop in, but he declined as he had a lot of stuff left to do.

"Are you sure?" Jade asks her roommate as we all pack into Leigh-Anne's car.

"Yeah, yeah I'm sure babe. I've got shit to do and I won't be done for a while." He leans in to give her a hug. "Oh and before I forget, I'm going to Theo's tonight so don't wait up for me."

"Alright then hun." They pull away from each other and give their goodbyes, before Jade hops in the back seat next to me.

"Everyone ready to go?" Leigh asks whilst buckling up her belt.

"Ready to die more like..." Jesy mutters sassily under her breath, making Jade giggle.

"I heard that. I'm not that bad." The darker-haired girl sighs in fake-annoyance. "You're actually so annoying, oh my days..."

"Sorry Leigh-Leigh but it's true." I mumble with a small smile. I've been silent for the past hour or so and it's the first time I've spoke since.

"Not you too Pez!" She tries to play it off as teasing, but I saw the brief look of shock, worry and relief all on her face. "I could always just refuse to drive you lot places."

I look down feeling a contrasting warm hand grasp my own and another rest on my leg that hadn't stopped bouncing since I got in the car. Jade catches my eye and gives me a small smile. It's her own way of giving me comfort without making a big deal out of it. More eyes on me is not what I need and she must subconsciously know this.