Breathin' (Jerrie)

Chapter 6 - Secret Love Song's Secret

This is it. You can do it. Just deep breaths Perrie.

I watch the tears fall down the plughole below me as I try control my breathing. I attempt to muffle a whimper but I soon realise it isn't working.

Fuck, I can't do it.

I stay staring at my white knuckles, gripping the sink as if it was the only thing left on this earth. It's the only thing keeping me grounded right now. I couldn't let go, because if I did these thoughts in my brain would drag me under.

Today was going to be the first time we would be back to filming a music video and really the kick off for the return to the world. Even though we finished filming Holiday a few weeks ago, there was a really long delay in post. The label and management realised we couldn't release the song on time if we didn't so something about it, so they organised a day to film a lyric video which we can release to keep the Mixers satiated.

I have to face reality and accept that this is happening. I've been living in my safety bubble for over three months now and it's going to burst. I know that paps are going to be everywhere, eagerly waiting to get their first shot of me in a long time since I never leave the house. They're going to be even more blood-hungry than usual. It's all too much.

I slam my hand down on the sink in frustration, wincing when it makes contact. Great, that's going to leave a bruise. I loosen my non-injured hand from around the sink and use it to brush the fallen pieces of my wet hair out of my face.

There's like a million things I need to do. I need to get ready to be seen for the first time professionally since lockdown.

Yes, Jamie and Zack will be there to pick our outfits, Aaron to sort out my hair and Heidi doing my makeup, but I still need to look good for when I arrive. No doubt there'll be paps waiting outside my hotel. Just the thought of it makes me shiver.

It doesn't help as well that I'm absolutely exhausted. It's currently 1am and I've just gotten out of the shower. Now that I'm living in Manchester, I've got the extra inconvenience of travelling down to London, as that's where most of our Little Mix stuff is based.

The impending doom is nearer each second I stand here in my bathroom. I sigh and finally look up into the mirror. I silently thank some sort of god when I'm met with a steamy reflection of myself, shielding me from how awful I look right now. My bottom lip is pulled in between my teeth as I decide whether or not I should risk the negativity I feel after staring into my dull eyes. It's not.

With that, I quickly turn away and exit my en-suite bathroom. I sit down at my vanity and readjust the towel around my body to prevent it from slipping. Once again, I keep my eyes down with the excuse of finding my hairdryer to yet again delay the inevitable. I plug it in and make work of drying my hair so that I don't get sick, not that I would care if I did. Can you burden your boyfriend if you already burden him?

I don't have to worry about waking up Ellie because my house is quite big and her bedroom is on the other side, but also because she's already awake and waiting for me downstairs. However, I'm not worrying about Alex as he still hasn't been home. It's been about a week now since he was here last and that was still just a small 'Hi', 'Goodbye' situation. The Premier League is back and he's as busy as ever. Training has been intense after months of being trapped indoors; the whole team have been doing bonding exercises over the entirety of June. I'm just so glad Ellie is here to keep me somewhat sane.

I was so worried about going to London by myself. In the day, whilst we're working, the girls will be with me but when I'm actually travelling there and having to stay in a hotel on my own, it's absolutely terrifying.