Mistakes And Regrets

A Life Changing Decision

The nurse just shook her head no as she could tell April was upset and she didn't want to feel like she was forcing her. Some people just weren't meant to be parents.

      "No, I'm sorry I pushed too far. It's okay if you don't want to see them and I'll go talk about getting social services to come take over for the babies," the nurse told April.

      "No! Don't do that! I want to see my babies! You're not pushing me! Please, I want to see them! I'm sorry about earlier," April cried out as she had been trying to stay strong but she couldn't do it. She couldn't give them up without even going to see them at least once.

      "You're sure?" The nurse asked as she wanted to make sure that April was saying this because she meant it and not because she was being forced into it.

       April just nodded as she looked at the nurse. "Okay great well then follow me," the nurse told the young girl who nodded again as she followed the nurse to the NICU to see her babies despite the pain she was in.

       "Oh wow look at this place," April accidentally said out loud as she was in shock seeing all the NICU equipment. It was honestly terrifying to look at it all.

         The nurse just laughed a little as she could tell April was still trying to take it all in. "Yeah this is the NICU. Oh and look over here. These three are your little miracle fighters," the nurse told April as she led her over to the corner where the three tiny babies were all in their own separate little incubators.

       "They're so tiny," April told the nurse who nodded. "Yeah they are but they're doing really well. Would you like to try holding them?" The nurse asked April who looked at the three babies in shock. 

      "Wait, I can hold them? They look so fragile," April told the nurse who smiled a little as she looked at April. "Yes, we can help you hold them. It's called kangaroo care and it really helps them. Skin to skin is very important especially for preemies," the nurse told April who just looked at the three tiny babies as she smiled a little and nodded.

      "Do I have to do it one at a time or can I have all three at once," April asked the nurse as she was still undecided on what she wanted to do, but she still wanted to learn as much as she could about her babies and how to care for premature infants.

      "It's up to you. Either way works," the nurse told April who just nodded again. "Okay but is it better for them to have individual time or does that not matter," April asked as she looked at her babies in their incubators again.

       "It usually depends on the babies. We can try all 3 first and see how that goes," the nurse told April who just nodded as she still was trying to process everything going on.

      "Okay now just sit down in this chair here and we'll gently place them down on you. Does that sound good?" The nurse asked April who agreed as she sat down on the chair.

       "Okay so I just sit here and...," April began but stopped when the nurses gently placed the three babies down on her chest and covered her with a blanket making her smile as she looked at the tiny babies that were cuddling on her.

       "They stopped crying," April told the nurse as she was in awe. The babies had all three been crying, but they all three stopped as soon as they were placed on her chest.

       "Yeah they must know that their mommy will keep them safe," The nurse told April who laughed as she enjoyed the warm feeling she was getting.

      "I didn't think I would like this, but I love this feeling," April told the nurse as she smiled again before she started crying as she didn't know what to do at this point.

       Her babies clearly needed her right now to help them get better. And she wanted to keep her babies too. She felt so connected to them the second they had been placed on her chest.

     These were her babies and she couldn't lose them. The problem was that she definitely couldn't afford any of this though. "Are you okay?" The nurse asked as she saw April start crying again.

      "Yeah I just... I want to keep them so bad! They're my babies and I already love them so much. I just can't afford it though! And I'm on my own and I just don't know what to do anymore!" April cried out as she began to sob.

      She didn't want to have to sign her rights away and never see her babies again. She wanted to keep them and watch them grow. She wanted to be here for their NICU journey and give them all the love and support that they would need.

      However she was still only 18, she had no real job at this point, and she was on her own except for her friend Deco, but she seriously doubted that he would really help her much with this.

     The babies must have sensed her stress as they all three started sobbing again along with April. "Hey Shh it's okay. It's okay, please don't cry. You're okay," April told the three babies in her gentlest voice as she held back her own tears.

      April didn't want her babies to cry, especially not because of her. April smiled again when it worked as the three tiny babies stopped crying as they cuddled up on her again in warmth and safety.

     "This might be a bad time, but have you made your decision yet?" The nurse asked April a few minutes later. April just closed her eyes as she reopened them and looked at her three daughters.

      "Yeah I actually have made my decision now," April told the nurse as she just held all three of her babies close to her.

        "You have that's great! What's your decision?" The nurse asked April who just smiled as she looked down at her three tiny babies.

      "I'm going to keep them. I don't want to put them up for adoption. I want to be here for them and I want to be the one to take them home after they graduate because they will graduate from this NICU I guarantee it! Even if I have to work multiple jobs I will be the one to take them home. They're my babies and I'm not giving that up," April told the nurse as she knew this was probably a horrible idea with her financial situation and the fact that she had no clue how to be a parent, but she just can't bring herself to sign those papers anymore.

     She knows that she is setting herself up for failure and debt, but she's ready for this new challenge if it means not having to give up her babies who need her right now.

      "That's wonderful! I'll let the hospital know that you're keeping the babies instead. Oh and I know you probably haven't really been thinking much about this, but do they have names yet?" The nurse told April who just froze as she had been so distracted with everything and it had all happened so fast that she hadn't actually decided on any names.

      "I'm guessing by your reaction that you haven't. It's okay you still have time, but I do recommend trying to get them names as soon as possible. That could help them as well if they knew their names," the nurse told April who just nodded.

       "Okay well I'll be right back," the nurse told April as she left to go inform the hospital about her keeping the babies. As soon as the nurse left, April's phone went off, making her quickly grab it and answer it when she saw the caller ID.