"vinnie" i laugh as he sits next to me at the lunch table, messing my hair up. i look at the other table to see isa and nai and basically the rest of them staring at us.
some giving me death glares, others just laughing, the rest looking at me in utter disgust. its been like that all day. whispers from the hallway.
laugther, getting pointed at. people looking at me and shaking their head in disappoint. it felt bad, real bad. but once i crossed vinnie i felt, new.
forgetting everything that had happened, he made me feel right. i wasnt shy, i didn't feel vulnerable and i didn't feel lonely.
- you make it look like its magic, cause i see nobody, nobody but you, you ,you -
i feel a rush if never thought i would feel when im with him. im not confused, it's supposed to be like this. this is what i think, i know.
- im never confused, hey! hey! -
"hey, don't mind them, theyre a little fucked up, arent we all?" he asks and my eyes light up immediately as i look into his.
- im so used to being used -
"yea" i mumble. i had something i wanted to get off my chest. "vinnie? i have a question?" i question myself.
"yea?" he responds. i gulp before biting my nails out of nervousness, and taking a deep breath.
"ok, so. remember when you slapped me last night?" i asked and his face goes blank and he smirks, nodding his head. why was he smiling? whatever.
"ok uh.. why- why did i" i mumble a bit. "like it?" i look up at him and he looks the other way; deep in thought his jaw was clenched and it was hot-.
"i dont know, why did you like it?" he answers my question with another question. i wanted to say it.. but a part of me felt ashamed, weird and disgusting.
the other part of me liked it, it yearned for more, and if i am so be it. it's a dangerous tendency, that i have to feed because its what i like. but what if i dont like it.. fuck. it can't be.
"am i a masochist?"
i asked him; eyes widening as i realize it myself. was i asking him, or was i asking me? is it a bad thing? my breath gets heavy.
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale
maybe its just a phase right? it was a one time thing. or maybe he didnt slap me as hard as i thought he did, right? here i go, lying to myself again to feel better about my insecurities.
"i think you are" he says looking into my eyes. he parts his lips to speak again. "scratch that i know you are" he says smirking at me.
god was he handsome. but holy shit. i am, i really do like physical pain being inflicted on me. i wanna cry, but crying wont change anything.
"mhm" i say really fast, trying to hold back every emotion inside of me. you know, somewhere i felt risk. i felt excited. i felt on the edge.
i felt good, about my self. i havent felt like that in a long time i didnt want to change i was myself unapologetically, myself
"its ok sage, me too" he says, and i felt even more relieved. i look up at him and give him a small smile. until i get a call, "papa" was calling.
"shit, i have to take this" i say and run to the bathroom. i answer the phone and hear my old drunken father.
"what?" i asked him sternly, i really didnt need this right now.
"oh cmon mija.. dont be so hostile" he says i can hear some glass shatter. fucking crackhead
"ok, what do you want. im listening" i reply, sighing at his ignorance. i already knew the answer but i wanted to hear him say it himself.
"can you se- SHUT THE FUCK UP MARIA.. sorry mija, can you s-send 100 dollars por favor" he slurs.
'por favor my ass' i think before i speak. " hell no-" and before i can finish my sentence.
"fuck you, you filthy little bitch. heh? how about i come back to that little filthy apartment and finish what i started.. you are nothing, NOTHING without me!" he yells and i laugh.
"but, papa. i have everything i need right now, i have everything i could ask for, and that doesnt include you, so block this number and never call me again" i felt power rushing through me.
i felt as if i was on top of the world and not a soul can touch me. i felt like i was that girl.
maybe.. i am that girl.
just in a different light.
vinnie rushes into the bathroom as i hang up the phone. "you okay?" he asks looking down at me.
emotionless eyes, there they go again. whats that all about vinnie? i think to myself.
"yea, im fine. what about you? are you okay?" i ask him being that these humanless eyes; pretty nonetheless, are starting to creep me out.
"yes? why'd you ask?" he says his eyes becoming more lifelike and i sigh, am i paranoid. yea. im definetly delusional.
"nevermind" i smile, latching on to his arm. "let's skip?" i ask him biting my lip, feeling much more confident in myself than ever before.
everything felt.... right.
"only if... i get to kiss you" he says catching me off guard. kiss me? well this day is full of surprises.
"go for it" that daring smile appearing on both of our faces, before he leans in...
finally.
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woo okay yall, im back and alot of shit has happened to me.
lets just start off with how i was self harming, got busted, ended up in the mental hospital for a few days.
im fine now, but i wanted to let you all know that if you need someone to be there for you, im here.
i may not be HERE, here, in the head because im a bit slow but im here babes.
alot of the time i feel lonely, i have no friends like at all, i got no 'merry christmas' messages from people i know irl. which kinda cut deep.
i dont want any1 else feeling like theres no one there for them so please just hmu, dms r alwaysss open.
lastly, i love all of you and wish you a happy new years because there are people who actually care, and if we all come together we can care for each other.
hope you guys enjoy this book furthermore, j thought i'd share!
