shoebox | a poetry collection

- n / o

additional tw: suggested (vague) mentions of emotional & physical @b*$e. read at your own discretion, please.

i'm no good at saying no.
the word fuzzies inside my
mouth & sticks like burnt
sugar to the insides of my
teeth & when i look you in
the eyes i just can't do it.

i'm no good at saying no.
because your boundaries &
their boundaries & mine have
all blurred until mine are all but
gone and you and them and all
are pressed against me.
i'm starting to think i've lost it.

i'm really bad at saying no.
except— except! inside my
head, in its dark rooms &
prison-barred snowglobe walls;
in here i can scream & shout
& cry: no, no, no, no!
but not to you.

i'm really quite shit at saying no.
have you noticed? how i nod
& don't smile but don't quite
frown & it's noncommittal until
it can't be anymore? i doubt
you have— don't bother trying.
i'm the one who's bad at saying no.

two letters, successive:
one after the other- trip
& fall & a big mess of lines.
i say it to myself all the time—
no, no more / no, fuck off, idiot /
no, no, no, no!
it pounds at the insides of my head (since when are lines sharp?).

i'm no good at saying no.
because what if you glare &
or shout & or your voice splits
with ice & or your arm/hand/finger reverberates against me & you're gone, gone, gone— ?

i'm no good at saying no.
saying no makes people sad,
weighs their smile into a pout
& makes their eyes droop low.
i don't want to make you sad,
so i won't say no (don't stare
for too long at the droop in my eyes, please).

- a. ; 11.27.21