𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒍 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒎𝒚 𝒏𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒆 [ᴋᴀᴡᴏsʜɪɴ]

①② - sᴄʀɪʙʙʟᴇ ɪᴛ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇ

Dying.

It's a weird concept.

Just like living.

No one and nothing can explain the concept of living and dying.

Some may say we're born to die, still everyone is sad when someone dies too early.

What is early?

Do you have to accomplish many things to be considered ready to die?

Every since I got my diagnosis I've been thinking in philosophy.

Death is on my mind a lot.

Not only the form of death I will experience but also other kinds of leaving this world.

Where will I even go?

Just as I'm about to answer my own question someone enters the door.

My mom looks young today.

Wait that's not her.

That's Misato Katsuragi. My nurse.

"Misato Katsuragi?"

She nods as I smile softly happy to have remember her name.

I've been in the hospital for one month now.

Shinji is working very hard in school and I try to help him as much as possible.

His dad is in custody for child abuse and domestic violence.

I don't know what's happening to me though.

I feel empty every day, every second of my life.

Spending my time here looking out the window and not even being on my phone.

Every day I just wait for Shinji or Misato to come to my room and talk.

I just want them to talk and I will listen.

After I got my diagnosis I started talking much more to nurse Katsuragi and I started to call her by her first name.

It happened a lot that I forgot her name all of a sudden but I'm glad she always corrects me.

"Where is he?"

I ask weakly as Misato walks out the room.

"Who?"

I thought for a second. Who?

Something is missing and someone is missing.

My brain told me to just ask expecting answers from Misato.

Ah! I remember!

"Shinji Ikari. My Shinji."

"Yesterday he said he might come over at 4 pm if you're awake at that time. Just a few more minutes don't worry Kaworu."

We both smile as she leaves the room again.

Just 10 minutes later the door opens again and my boyfriend walks in with papers in his hand.

I'm so selfish.

He sits next to me and starts crying softly.

"We shouldn't have made up a handshake. I missed you so much Kaworu."

He chuckles and looks down.

I don't want him to suffer.

After we talk for a while he gives me a kiss and is about to leave.

Every day has been like this for the past three months.

He comes over, talks about his day and leaves.

I never say much and I could barely move that's why I feel like I'm disappoting him.

"Ikari? I know we don't know each other that long but please stay a little longer. I could use some company after the car accident with my friend."

I received a weird look from the boy at the door and he starts to tear up.

I shake my head and correct myself.

"Shinji. My love."

What's wrong with me? I often forget the whole scenario but I usually don't say anything of that out loud. I normally just wait for the person to continue talking.

I'm starting to mix things up.

I'm starting to forget the memories with Shinji.

That was something I wanted to avoid from the beginning.

I guess tonight is a good idea.

I kiss Shinji goodbye and hug him tightly.

"I'm sorry." I whisper and Shinji looks at me still crying.

"It's not your fault for forgetting things. Please don't apologise."

I chuckle softly at his words.

How naive...

After he leaves I take a moment to think.

Misato comes in with my last dinner.

"Scrambled eggs." She smiles and I nod at her stopping her before she leaves the room like I always used to.

"Misato? Can you scribble something down for me?"

I ask and point at the note on the desk.

She nods politely and goes over to the desk.

"Just tell me what to write Kaworu."

"Write a simple thank you. No hearts, no other text. Just a thank you."

She does as I say and put the paper next to me on the bed.

"You're an angel." I smile as she leaves again to take care of her other patients.

As soon as I'm sure she's gone I grab the painkillers I stole once from Misato.

The box is half full since I never used them more than four times.

I take one pill out. Drinking it thoughts again flood my head.

I'm so selfish for doing this.

I'm selfish for planning this.

Shinji deserves better. He always did and as much as I always wanted to stay by his side forever I can't do this anymore.

I'm so weak and pathetic.

Tears roll down my face and I drink one pill with every thought appearing in my head.

My body hurts and my head hurts every day.

My parents are gone and I can't remember my own birthday.

Yesterday I didn't react to my name.

And what pains me the most is that I can't remember the things Shinji always talks about.

Our memories together.

I forgot all of them.

I stoo for a second.

Five more and I'm going to sleep.

I say as I take two pills in my hand and drink both at the same time.

Then two more.

And soon two turn into three.

After drinking more than twenty pills I lay down and think.

The last stage of dementia is remembering everything before your death.

But I didn't get to that stage because I'm weak. I couldn't handle the pain and now I don't even know what Shinji and I did back then.

Those pills are weak.

I say as I pass out on the hospital bed my last thought being Shinji.