Drew Starkey Imagines

Strong Badass

Warnings: mentions of abusive relationship, swearing

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One would think that coming out of an abusive relationship would make you feel relieved, like you just freed yourself from a prison, but unfortunately it's not that easy to get yourself back. An abusive relationship it's a relationship of taking. They take control over you but they also take away your power, your independente, your courage. Yourself. And it leaves you with nothing, feeling nothing but emptiness and constant fear and uselessness. Powerlessness.

It's been nearly a year and a half since I freed myself from that prison, and even though I showed signs of a quick recovery, I couldn't say I was ok. Fine. Recovered. At all. I was just good at hiding the pain and the fear everytime my phone rang, afraid it would be him still trying to contact me. Every time someone innocently touched me, reminding me of his touch. Every time someone called my name, afraid I had done something wrong and I'm gonna get punished for that, like he used to do.

It takes a strong tool on you, enabling you from enjoying things fully and making you act extra cautious around people or certain situations instead. It's exhausting, and I know that if I keep on pushing away these feelings I can expect a breakdown soon. Because, like I said, I'm good at pretending I'm fine, so good that nobody in the cast knows about it, so good that I allowed myself to fall for Drew, who somehow made me feel safe enough to accept being his girlfriend. It surprised me, not only because of how I always felt so comfortable around him (which was rare for me to do so with anyone) but how close I allowed myself to be with him. 

He had a special energy that just pulled me in and almost made me feel like my old self. The one who wasn't afraid. I would find myself telling him things I never told anyone (never about my past relationship, of course) and he would ask me about things no one ever bothered to know. Drew was like my comfort zone and I was so glad he was the one to bring me out of my shell without ever forcing me to do it or making me uncomfortable. I never thought I would be able to go back to trust someone like I trust Drew, and I made sure to show him how grateful I was for being with him (and he would do the same, but for different reasons). I trusted him so much that, one day, when we were chilling on the dock under the sun, waiting for someone to call us to shoot our scene, I almost mentioned him. And the abuse. 

We were talking about scars and how some of them had a funny story behind it. He pointed to the one on my shoulder and asked me about it, and I was so busy calming down my laughter from earlier that I almost let it slip where it came from. Who gave it to me. And when I realized the huge mistake I was about to commit, I shutted my mouth immediately, which made Drew confused with my sudden change of behavior. He kept on asking about it and asking me what was wrong, and I did nothing more than deny and tell him everything was fine and that he shouldn't worry. Obviously that led to a small, tiny fight where I think he realized there was something major I wasn't telling him and I know he was scared I didn't trust him enough to tell him. From then on, he was always extra cautious when "dealing with me" and certain actions or attitudes gave away that he was trying to show me that I could and should trust him. But as if the universe turned against me, that week was being awful. 

My ex decided to start bothering me again by constantly texting me not so nice things. Nobody loves you. You're worthless and you're going to die alone. You made a mistake leaving me. All of which was making it hard to accomplish my purpose of not only forgetting the past but also keeping myself together and pretending any of that was happening as I tried to focus on the show. What triggered my expected breakdown one morning was a specific text though. He doesn't love you, you bitch. 

That was the last drop, it was all it took for me sit in my bed holding my chest, as if keeping my heart from jumping out of my chest, tears falling after being avoided for so long. The panic attack made me ignore the question of how the hell did he know Drew and I were dating. It's not that we were dating in secret or anything, but we hadn't publicly announced our relationship. Besides the ship comments and posts, there wasn't anything else that suggested we were dating, so I had no idea how he could know, because I doubted he paid attention to what fans of the show were posting. Or maybe he was crazier than I thought.