Transitions of a lost soul

(Chapter 24: Time to clean up the mess...)

It was time to flush all memories of Chris out of my life. Every photo we had, every video we recorded together had to go. I can't continue to love someone who didn't really have a good reason to kill....I'd be sick to move forward with him. I packed anything else that he had left in my home and left it outside the hall, I didn't care who took it for themselves I wanted anything that reminded me of him gone. I saged every room in my place, replaced my bed sheets and blankets....I rearranged everything to help me move on for good. This brought me more peace, though I have no clue what's going to happen down the line after the smoke clears. At this moment, that is the least of my worries.

It took me at least 2 hours of cleaning, moving and removing what I didn't want around me anymore. I felt exhausted by the end of it, but it was definitely worth it. I decided to take a bath to relax my body and mind. Zen music playing in the background, scented candles lighting up the room with its flames. The epsom salt releasing the tension I felt, I was one with my thoughts and it felt beautiful. I have been put through so much and after so long, I felt calm after what I've done. I know it's not over...but this is the start of the path I need to face in order to feel myself again.

Brandon and Chris both were learning lessons for me...both had me at an emotional chokehold that just happened to connect in such a tragic way. I couldn't resolve my issues the way I wanted to with Brandon, but at least I had the chance to do it through Chris. I did love him....His absence does affect me but not enough to forget what he did to me, but compared to what Chris has done...I had to forgive. I know Chris's heart was in the right place, but to murder is never an option. I wanted to send him to prison for what he did, but I'm scared of that coming back to me and the people I love. I don't Know what decisions I'll make from here on out, but I will tread lightly in the meantime.

I get out of the bath and dry myself off, wiping the mirror as it steamed up a little. I looked at myself for a minute and started to shed a tear. I've been through hell and back that i'm surprised I didn't go fucking insane from it. To experience abuse, betrayal, death, uncertainty.....I'm stronger than I thought I was. Anyone else probably would've bit a bullet at this point and for a moment, I believe I should've. However this needed to happen, This is a start of a transition...a transition of a lost soul.