Transitions of a lost soul

(Chapter 1: Introduction to Jarlene)

( In a dream state:)
I feel like so much is going downhill for me.....the walls are caving in, giving me no room to breathe or to run away from myself. I wanna disappear into a darkened room and shut myself away from the world. No one loves me like I want them to, they don't care about me or even give a shit if I was alive...or at least that's what it feels like in my head. Battling with negative thoughts is not the easiest war, and so far I am losing. If only I could live in a bubble of happiness and joy all day and have no worries forever. But that seems easier said than done. "How can my friends deal with me? How can my family deal with me?" I guess they love me enough to be around my sorrow and self loathing , but eventually they'll get tired of it...everyone else has.

I look at people around me, living their dreams and being the happiest they can be and question: "will I ever feel like that one day?" "Is this a never-ending cycle of feeling unworthy for me?". I sighed, pretending to be ecstatic for them and forcing out a smile, though it was difficult in doing so. When I'm home, I feel the most comfortable...locking myself in my room away from reality and to face my demons head on. I lay in bed, drowning in my thoughts and talking them out by myself because I feel too lonely to speak to someone else about them. It's not healthy for my mind of course but I feel as though if I were to open up to someone that they wouldn't care much about what goes on in this insane asylum I call a brain. I feel like I'm a bother to my friends, even though they tell me otherwise and they would rather me talk to them instead of shutting them out. I guess maybe I'll feel comfortable to change how I operate but it'll be a million years before that happens.

As I lay here, my phone rings off a sound that I received a text: it was Alannah. "I know you're home being a dark emo sociopath Jarlene but today I'm getting you out of the house. GET YOUR ASS UP AND COME ON I'M OUTSIDE!!" I rolled my eyes, grunting as I struggled to remove myself from my bed. I put on the comfiest clothes to find which was an Aerosmith t-shirt with black and gray striped sweatpants to go with it. I throw on my voodoo bar hoodie, mess around with my curls to make them look decent, put on some deep red lipstick and slip on my alien covered vans to complete my bum skater look. Alannah shoots me another text to hurry the fuck up as I rushed out the door. I laughed as she shot me a death stare from inside her car: " Took you that long to look like that? I was expecting you to look like a supermodel, ''she joked. "Gothic beauty takes forever to perfect, you should know that by now." I responded, laughing at her as she rolled her eyes at me. "Anyways, i'm glad you chose to wear that, there's this new skatepark down by ridgewood. You need to step out of your comfort zone Jarlene." Alannah says to me, shooting a half smile hoping that it would seal the deal. I hate being around people because I feel they would not like me and think I'm a weirdo and Alannah knows this completely. I'm surprised she's even suggesting this to me. " Idk Alannah, i'm too weird and an outcast, I would never fit in with anyone...even at a skatepark." Skating is something I love to do because it takes me to a different element, but I only do it alone and never around peers.
"Jarlene, you would never know if someone will vibe with you unless you try, you doubt yourself too quickly." she explained. "You did it with me, Jacob, Liza and Taylor and we have all been best friends since the 6th grade." I looked at her with emptiness, " I got lucky with you guys, y'all decided to stick around which is rare for someone like me." She sighed, holding my hand as she started to drive: " You didn't get lucky, you just happen to meet people who understand you and are not ashamed of you." I smiled at her response, she wasn't lying about that..she and 3 others I considered close to me were the only people that understood me and I loved them so much because of it.