Survival

Part 16

We give the fault to men

But actually

The fault is our parents.

They are the ones that teach sons to be perpetrators and to daughters to be victims. I fear going out alone. Because I am a woman, and I must protect myself. Not going out alone, Not going with the wrong person.

I fear going out alone with a guy because no one knows what it may happens. I cannot go out dressed as I wish because then I clearly looked for it. I keep having anxiety attacks. My parents do not even know.

They do not know how much what happened negatively impacted my life. They think I am fine. They do not know anything about their daughter. They do not know about my anxiety attacks. They do not know I fear going out alone.

A few people know it. I am fine for everyone. I am not even 100% honest with my best friends. I do not want anyone to worry for me. But the situation is getting unsustainable.

I am constantly scared. I am constantly anxious. The bad thing is that I cannot even report more because I cannot afford it. My parents probably cannot afford it either. And I may lose. Because the society would make me feel guilty.

And my parents, anyway, would never pay for something similar. They think it is meaningless. They think it has not had an impact in my life. I suffer for months. I cry almost every day.

Today, it has been four months since I reported to my host mum that I have been harassed. I was not brave enough to say to her that the guy I liked did something as well. I still liked him too much.

And it was already enough to report a person. Tomorrow it will be four months since I reported the guy I liked. I remerber it as it was yesterday. I did not want to do it. I did not want him to have problems.

If I could go back, I would probably do the same. I have never wannted to hurt people. The other guy, the first one I reported, does not even know I repored him. But even after that, I could not do much more.

I could not go over with the trial. I did not even know his last name. And my parents would have never paid for it.

My host dad told me I must not go over what I did, because it would have caused so much pain to myself and too much money lost. For me and for my family. And this is wrong.

I cannot report because the society would give me the fault. The society tells me I am wrong and if I would report I would just lose money and I would cause too much pain to me and my family. How could you say something like that to a victim? To someone who survived a harassment.

I do not think I would forgive the adults in my life that made me feel wrong for something I did not choose. For something I am not guilty of. I do not think I want the mas my role models. I just want me, as a role model. I am the only one that know what I lived.

I am the only one that know how to heal. I am the only one that know what I want to hear. I am the only one that can cause myself no more pain. I am the only one who will work hard to rebuild her own mental sanity. Even though, I did not choose all of it.