Survival

Part 18

If he really wanted

To hurt me

He would have already done so

I keep repeating that in my mind. I keep saying that if he really wanted to hurt me, he would have already done so. Is it true? He still hurts me. But if I would not have lived what I lived probably I would not even have noticed these small things that now hurt me.

Or maybe yes. I just know that hurts a bit. Then, I do not know what to do. My harasser that also is a rapist and an assaulter is still not in prison after two official allegations. Two. Plus, all the non-official ones.

I also discovered that the other guy assaulted me, not harassed. Even just the word assault scares me. I fear relating to boys because of what happened. I fear motorbikes. I fear boys. I am even scared of myself. Of my body. I fear.

Today it has been six months since I reported the guy I liked. I still think about that. I often think about him. At the reason why I feel for him. At the reason why I started moving away from him.

I am not going to school since Monday. I was sick all week. I really wanted not to be alone the 23rd and the 24th of September, I could have had so many anxiwty attacks. At school I have my best friend. On the bus I have the other one.

There was my father with me on the 23rd because I passed him the cold. Today there was my little sister too. I passed her the coff too. I try to cover my emotions when someone is looking at me.

For them all of this does not hurt. They do not know how much this is destroying me.

How could this not hurt? It has not been a year yet. He might still have my picture. He could do anything with that. I am so scared one day I might find the picture on Instagram, where everyone can see it. I cannot live knowing that anything can happen.

Tomorrow I will go to the psychologist. I found a new one. I hope everything will be better with the help of a specialist. It took me so much time to ask my parents to go, but at the end I could not deal with it anymore. My anxiety was too disturbing.