I'm sorry I haven't been writing in a long time, it's just I've had a lot going on. I have to say that I'm not sure if I'll upload frequently since I have a dance performance this month. But nonetheless sharing my writing and my random thoughts like this has helped me in a way.
Now when I think of the term friends and family, they mean something completely different, yet they can also have some similarities. For me my friends can and are more like a family to me. We are there for each other, trust each other, pick each other up when one is down, no matter whatever is done for each other is much appreciated by the other. Yet my 'family' are the ones who act more like stranger to me, they are so used to everything you try to do for them that they don't seem to appreciate it no matter how much effort you put into it. For me 'family' you must try and gain there trust sometimes you even find yourself hiding something from them, for as friends you can trust them, and they will be there for you. Maybe for me it's that way at least because of all the memories I have. I don't want to let that get to me anymore and I want to try to forgive and forget yet forgetting is a harder fight and I know that. Yet why do I keep letting it remind me of all those times when I have tried so hard to leave them behind, in the past and move forward? Even I don't know the answer myself, even I want to know the answer to that question yet, I have no answer, no excuse, to let then keep coming after me. I have come to that realization when I decided to hear, to listen to myself and part of what I wanted to say, and what I said.
I realized just then how much I was deciding on the words I said, how I said them, to who, when, everything just came to me then and if I'm being completely honest right now when I first came to that realization it hit me bad. I kept asking myself questions such as why? or when did I start doing that? but then again it was by the fear I had back then, it wasn't and still is not the real me but someone else who hides what they feel, what they want to say, want to do, everything is based off somethings that were wanted to be seem by my persona. I barely even remember some of the things I used to like to do before I became this persona, like if I was just this doll they could control and they customize to their own liking. Even if I'm still like that today I want to be able to slowly get rid of that, I don't want them to have control over me anymore. I want to be able to try and be myself though I know that they might just want me to keep changing all the time. If there is one more thing, I came to realize was t at no matter my persona they still want me to change and I'm tired of that I don't want to keep going like that I want it to stop, I want to be able to have at least a bit of control over myself. There are reasons to believe that whether It's something we're going through or something that has happened, but you can't get over that it happens for a reason and it makes you stronger at the end. Yes, most of the time it's something negative that happens to us but it doesn't mean that we should give up. If we were to just give up instead of fighting for achieving a certain goal of ours then we might as well never succeed, we will never achieve that goal, we will never get anywhere in life, we'll be stuck still trying to achieve that goal but if we keep on trying to reach that goal may indeed be a rocky path but at least at the end you know that you tried your best, gave it your all.
This is all for today since I'm supposed to be doing my homework. But I hope that while you read this that in a way you will feel comfortable enough to be able to share with me through this. I can understand that it might be difficult but I also find that it's better to let someone else know, and it helps. If you ever need someone just know you can DM me whenever you want and I'll respond as soon as I can.
Have a great day, if it's night then I hope you rest well. Stay safe and remember that if you ever want to talk I'll be here.
