So since like I had said before I lost most of my writing except for what I wrote at the beginning of the school year. I'm not sure on how much is missing, and don't remember everything that I had written. This part is from what I wrote at the beginning of this school year.
Like I had said there was going to be a part in where I mention either of my grandparents, this it.
Why is it that I don't lie to others around me but I always end up lying to myself? I always tell others the truth, but in the end I tell myself a lie, I have kept telling myself that I'll get better and everything will get better soon, but my thoughts have only made things worse for myself
I have kept having all these thoughts and can't find any of them being a positive one...I've always heard from others that I have been doing good with things but how come with the one person I would like to hear that from doesn't believe so? That person has told me that I can't do anything right and that I can't make it...I always wanted to prove that person wrong but they keep thinking the same thing no matter how much effort I put into everything I do I used to think so differently then I do now, but along the way I've lost so much yet for some so little
But for what I can say or think right now is 'I miss you grandma' I wish that I could've said goodbye before you left but at least one of us did...It might've not been the best time to have been able to say goodbye but at least there was a chance that one of us did...At least you were in our life, unlike him. For now all that I can do is try my best to change everything I can to make it go away, I have known that the chest pain I keep getting isn't from 'the cold' since as long as I can remember for almost 3 years I've only been wearing long sleeves. I've known that it's because i'm sick but either she doesn't want to tell me that or she forgot when the doctor told her I've known I've had for almost 3 years now but I didn't get better like she thought I only got worse
My thoughts have kept telling me that it'll only keep getting worse but I don't want to believe that, I want to be able to get better, but with everything that I've been able to find on my 'research' mine is quite severe. It's to the point where I don't know how much time I have left and I have to make everything worth it and I'll try to make it all worth it I can't tell when I'll make my family a last meal just as I can't tell when I'll spend my last time with everyone I care about
I can't say that they care since everything that has happened recently prove otherwise they are only there when they need or want something I'm always on my own fighting the same battle against my own mind they don't even know that my health hasn't been how it was years ago since I've been pretending to be fine and pretending to be the same person whom they knew they've only seen a glimpse of whom I have become today and yet they haven't seen anything my mind's always against me, my body has become weak, I barely have any energy I have difficulty waking up in the morning I have trouble falling asleep, afraid that I won't be able to wake up one day I've tried everything I can to distract myself from everything yet nothing works I can't even prove to them whenever I feel sick since I can't even throw up anymore so for me there's no thing such as 'sick days' there's no breaks from everything
any day could be my last any minute could be my last any second I could take my last breathe yet I won't know until I'm gone
they won't know until it's too late they will only be aware until I'm gone and then it'll be them thinking like I do yet they won't understand that everything I've been trying to tell them until it's too late they won't be the same when the time comes they'll regret all the times I've been told it's just me when it's the truth all that I've trying to tell them I'm not getting better either, my health keeps decreasing every day, my body weaker every minute the chest pain worse, longer every time the only way for me to forget about the chest pain is to inflict it somewhere else more preferably for me on my arm since I can always cover it up easily without question I don't cut or at least I try not to anymore but I do hurt myself whenever I can't even stand because of it just like yesterday yet there's always no one when you need them they all leave and when they do ask they just don't care so why answer the question? Just like a flowing my mind doesn't stop going, yet it's one to remember. It can help you at times, yet at others it's the one to break you. One thing is true whenever one says I'm fine don't leave them everyone can say that they're fine yet on the inside they could be wanting someone to come and help them, to save them from themselves. Sometimes I'm Fine could mean Save Me
one can pretend as long as they wish to be fine but once alone they break they let everything they can out yet there's so much inside that they can't let all of it out anytime one can break, with any word, yet they don't let many see them at that point at one point they can't even tell simple things about themselves all because of how often they have to pretend to be someone whom they aren't
at one point they forget who they truly are themselves at one point they don't even recognize who they are anymore at one point they realize that they lost themselves but by then it's already too late
it's too late they don't know who they are, what they like, nothing about themselves, but instead they can remember who others wanted them to be, what others wanted them to like and dislike it's too late because all they can think is when did I lose who I was, and instead became who they wanted me to be it's too late cause they that they got stuck in someone else's dream it's too late cause they can't remember how they were like even from the memories they have of when everything was different it's too late when someone realizes that they were in need of help, whether it was someone to listen to them or even just be there with them it's too late when they figure out what's been bothering you
you feel all alone even when there's someone there with you, you feel worthless even when they tell you the opposite you feel useless even when they tell you how well you did you feel like you're just a mistake
why because they kept leaving you all alone all the time why because they kept telling you that you aren't worth it why because they kept saying that you can't do anything right why because they kept leaving when you needed them the most
written:10/12/2021 (miss you granny😔)
For now the new parts are going to have a date with them on when they were written. I'm not sure why I did that but I'm going to keep it that way.
Anyways have a good day/night, remember to stay safe everyone!
