I'm really going to keep trying to keep up with this. This has really helped me and I know that I'm not the only one going through things they wish to be able to forget... which quite ironically leads to what I have to share today... I've wanted to be able to forget some things more than others, or to be able to move on from them and well this is one of them. Even though it might have happened time ago I still can't help but remember it.
Now that I remember I didn't type my thoughts to a certain day. That day I remember it was raining heavily outside, I could see the lightning through the living room window, I could hear the loud sound of the thunder outside. That just brought up a memory that I so hard tried to get over. I tried so hard to get over it because something had happened to me that contain a thunderstorm in the background, it was solemn reason why I became quite scared of a thunderstorm. I remember that on that specific evening during that thunderstorm I was trying to catch up on my assignments for school, but once I heard the loud thunder that came from outside all the fear I had hoped had vanished and I could try to forget that memory. Yet, it was quite impossible for me since it was vividly replaying in my mind, I could not escape it no matter how hard I tried. The memory that I tried so hard to forget is the following...
It had started with me being in the heavy rain, I was Just staring down the road, I remember it being very dark as well I could barely see a thing in the heavy rain. That was until I saw light coming from both sides of the street. I then saw two cars coming towards one another and resulting in a gruesome car crash. When I was able to see one of the cars a bit better, I could recognize it to be my mom's car. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, I was hopeless I couldn't do anything. Just then I heard her screaming for help followed by my brother who was in the passenger's seat of the car. Just then the thunderstorm got worse, the scene then ended with them continuously screaming for help fading away, getting weaker every time. What made me come back to reality that time was a sharp pain behind my thigh as if I had just gotten hit. Just then the rain outside was the only sound that I could hear, the only sound available to try and cover my broken cries. I was alone at that time I broke down just then, not being able to focus on anything. Only being able to hope that both mom and my brother were alright, that they were safe. I hadn't felt that useless in some time and knowing that I couldn't do anything just makes me feel utterly useless. I want to get rid of that feeling every time that memory crosses my mind.
That's what I remembered that certain night, I couldn't handle the memory that just flashed before me even if it wasn't reality what I had seen just the mere thought of it happening made me completely break down in tears. My 'family' hasn't seen my cry for a long time, and I was quite grateful that they didn't see me in that state, since I didn't want to worry them. Now that I remember that day, I can also remember that I was trying to surprise mom that whole week without being able to succeed once. Every time while I was trying to prepare everything she would come home, and I would receive a beating instead. It kept going like that for the whole week, and on one occasion I was almost done yet I receive another beating that day. I remember being in the kitchen and asking myself, 'where did I fail' and my youngest brother overheard me asking myself and he told me "you didn't fail we did." I then started to be afraid of surprises, to be more specific I was especially starting to be more afraid of planning a surprise for someone, afraid that if I did, if I do, I'd only receive a beating, or probably worse.
That day I learned that I was afraid of two things I would've never imagined of fearing but not only that I also learned that I wanted to forget why I was afraid of those two things hoping that the source of the two fears would vanish. I had been looking forward to surprising her that I didn't really think on the impact if I failed. But nonetheless I still tried despite the failure I had already gone through. I had wanted to be able to use the previous experience to be able to do better for the next time. But after everything that happened after I failed I became scared instead.
That day I learned that I became afraid of thunder storms as well as planning a surprise for someone. But even if I do fear thunder storms, I still find peace in light rain. It makes me feel a certain way that I can't describe. The light rain helps me forget and find an escape. While I've been wanting to be able to surprise someone and being able to succeed I haven't. I haven't cause no matter what my fear overpowers me every time.
This is all for today, but I hope you guys are doing well. Have a great day or night. Don't forget to rest well and take of yourself.
