Dear friend, I love you

21. Never let go

Erica

Warm water running down on my body. It felt good.
But it didn't drown the feelings I had.
It didn't make me feel better.
I don't know how long I was there, but now I got enough of this. I turned the shower off and I wrap the towel around me. I watched myself from the mirror.
Joonas knocked the door.
"You can borrow my clothes, they are at my bed, you can change there." He said.
I opened the door and smiled to him as a thanks.
But that smile wasn't real.
How I manage to smile ever again?

I was wearing Joonas' white hoodie and some black sweatpants. I walked out of the room and Joonas was already pouring some tea for us, he was too caring. He didn't have to do this.
Why he was doing this?
I also texted to Sanni that could she stay in my apartment to take care of Ville. I couldn't go there right now. Because I know that Aleksi is in my neighbour.

I took a seat and Joonas sat across from me.
"Why you do this..?" I asked quietly while I placed my hands around the warm mug.
"You clearly need this. Did something happen?" He asked worried.
"I told Aleksi about.. my feelings.. and it was a huge mistake..." I stared my tea mug, and my head was a mess.
I didn't know what to think. What to say.
"He was supposed to tell you before anything could happen..." Joonas sighed and rubbed his eyes.
I got confused.
"What..?" I looked him.
We stared each other, he looked me regrettably.
"I'm so sorry you had to find it this way.. I told him to tell you right away but.. he was too scared." He sighed again.

"Does someone else know about it? Has he told everyone else how he plays with me?" I asked sad, and pissed.
I also got lot of messages and calls from Aleksi and Sanni too, I didn't tell her that where I am and why.
Verneri was also asking that are we going to eat.
I just shut my phone and tried to calm myself down again.
"Olli knows, no one else does." He said and I nodded.
"I don't know should I or Aleksi tell you all these things but.. he never meant to hurt your feelings."

I got even more confused. All what Joonas is saying, it stays to my mind and it spins around there, not knowing what to think.
"What he was doing then?" I quietly asked, while I took a sip of my tea.
"He.. oh jesus this must be so confusing to you." He groaned and leaned against the chair's back.
"I don't know how confusing life could be even more, so just tell me." I stared him.

"Okay.. you can hate me if you want or feel like it, I don't blame you. A while ago Aleksi was very worried because Verneri clearly tried to flirt with you and so on. He knew how hard your past has been, and he saw what player Verneri is, so he didn't want you to get hurt. So he tried to make it clear to Verneri that he doesn't have any chances towards you. And it was kinda my idea and I'm very sorry about it..." Joonas explained sad.
I couldn't believe what I just heard.

"But Aleksi was the one who decided to do it. So I'm not blaming you. But I'm not blaming Aleksi either, it's my fault that I'm stupid and believe everything what others do to me and say to me." I was so mad to myself.
Why I made myself a fool? In front of Aleksi?
Why did I fall for him?
I wish someone could give me answers.
"I know Verneri, his personality is just like what you said. He's flirting with me, but I promise that he does it to every woman. We had to go eat today but all this happened so.. maybe it was better that way." I sighed. Joonas just nodded lightly.

"You can stay here for the night, you can sleep in my bed and I'll take the couch." Joonas stood up and maybe started to prepare the couch for him to sleep.
I just don't understand myself.
Why everything I do is going to be shit after all?
Somebody please help me.

I was still sitting there, looking out of the window.
"Go to sleep Erica, tomorrow is new day and I promise that everything will be fine. Talk to Aleksi, I'm sure he's worried and very sorry about everything." Joonas placed his hand to my shoulder.
"I don't know if I can sleep..." I mumbled.
He placed his fingers under my chin, slowly he turned my head to left and looked me straight into eyes.
"Do you want me to come next to you or..?" He asked so gently.
"I don't know Joonas.. I don't know what to do..." Then I started to cry. He hugged me.
All I needed was a hug. I felt safe for a moment.
I felt that everything will be fine.
But right away when Joonas let go of me, I felt lonely again.
If it would be possible, I would want that someone would always hug me. And never let go.

I woke up in Joonas' bed. I don't know what time it was because it was bright outside.
I remembered last night so clearly.
Those words what Aleksi told me...
I have to talk with him. Only the thought of it hurt me.
I miss him. His eyes, touch and how he smiles.
How it is possible? To be so in love? I have never felt like this before. I feel like jumping on clouds, and everytime when I saw his face somewhere, or even hear his voice, I felt those butterflies. I smiled shyly.
I don't know what love is, and what it feels like when you're loved.
But I think this is love.
It has to be.
But still, I don't know what it feels like to be loved.
And that hurts.

"Morning, how did you sleep?" Joonas was leaning against the door frame.
"I don't know.. bad?" I mumbled and sat up.
Joonas walked closer and then sat on the edge of the bed.
He rubbed my leg on top of the blanket. Then our eyes met.

"Aleksi is here..." He said quietly. I stopped breathing.
That sharp feeling again, but now it went throught my whole body.
"It's okay Erica.. we talked a little. He's waiting there, and you don't have any rush to go face him. I can stay here or leave if you want."
Why he is so caring? All of Aleksi's bandmates?
How they are so sweet?
"You can stay, but if we can talk private it would be nice." I said with my morning voice, and Joonas smiled a little and nodded.

I decided to stood up, Joonas decided to stay in the bedroom. I took a deep breath, and I left the room, almost closing the door behind me.
My hands shake.
Slowly I made my way to living room, and Aleksi was standing there, in front of a window. He looked outside.
I kept a distance between us, and I crossed my hands against my chest.
Only his presence made me feel safe. Even tho he told things yesterday I didn't want to hear.
Then he slowly turned around, he looked so sad.
I saw that he hasn't slept much last night, his hair was also a mess.

"Erica.. I never wanted this to turn this way.." He sighed and looked me. I wanted to cry, but I decided not to. I have to be strong. I have to show him that I handle this.
"Why you didn't just told that you don't have any feelings towards me at the studio? Why you had to tell me somewhere else, and before I would've had go to eat with Verneri?" I asked.
I tried to act pissed, but I couldn't.
I can't be mad to him.
How could I?

"I didn't want you to go eat with him. I know that he only wants that one thing from you, and nothing else. He's so transparent, but you don't see it because you're so kind and you always want to see the good sides in people." He explained and walked little bit closer.
I saw how he regret. That what he has done.

"You said it. I always want to be kind and I want to see good things in everyone. But you only see the bad sides of Verneri. Why? And why you care if he uses me, clearly you don't give a shit that you hurt my feelings already." Tears wanted to come out of my eyes, and they were already covering my sight.

"That's not true Erica!" He walked closer and placed his hands to my shoulders.
Still, his touch makes me feel special.

"I care about you, a lot. You have told me about your past, and I don't want you to get hurt. I didn't know the consequences that you would maybe fall in love with me, because of my stupid deeds." He kept the eye contact. I saw how his eyes started to full with tears too.
It made me broken, even more.

"Maybe fall in love? I fucking did, Aleksi. You are perfect human being, and yes, I fell in love because I thought that you have the same feelings." I snapped.

We both were frustrated.
And for reason.

"Don't do this kind of games ever again to any other woman. You clearly don't know how to do it."
I pushed him away. I walked to the hallway and put my shoes and jacket on fast, and left the apartment.

That hurt. Leaving him there.
I don't want to be mad at him. He's too kind and sweet human for that. But I needed to tell him the truth.
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Oh, this is complicated.
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