Blue {DoTae} | complete

Thirty-three: All eyes on me

Doyoung hugs the cushion to his chest and examines the piece of paper Daeun has passed to him with an incredulous stare.

"It doesn't matter how unattainable you think the goals are. We can work on them in the coming weeks and make them attainable, alright? It'll tell us where to take these next sessions." Daeun explains to Doyoung, who is slouched on the seat staring at a document called a goal statement.

"Okay." Doyoung says. He has so many goals he wants to reach, and no idea how he's going to get there, but he decides to put his faith in his therapist and engage as well as possible with his treatment, as that appears to be the only way he's actually going to have any chance at reaching them.

"Let's start with the first section." Daeun opens the document on her computer so she can type as they speak. Doyoung's become accustomed to the rhythmical clicking of keys by now.

Daeun does that thing again where she reads out Doyoung's list of problems, worries and bad emotions, and he has to sit there and bear it. Hearing them doesn't make it any easier, although he supposes it helps him put it into perspective because of how utterly depressing it all sounds. It sure does motivate him to want to get better. Next, the therapist turns his attention to what his mind could be focussing on throughout the day in place of worrying about trivial things that don't seem trivial in the moment when they spike his anxiety.

"What would be an ideal day at college for you? What would you be doing? What would you be thinking about?" Daeun asks.

Doyoung scrunches up his nose as he ponders. He doesn't want to give an incorrect answer even though there is no such thing as a wrong answer for as long as he's in this room. He ends up shrugging.

"Would you be focussing on the lesson? Would you be focussing on what your friends are saying to you at break?" Daeun suggests.

"Yeah. That." Doyoung scribbles those things down on the page.

"When you focus your mind on those things, you'll retain more information, you'll be able to participate in conversations, and engage with others instead of worrying about all sorts of things." Daeun explains. She smiles when Doyoung goes back to his fidget toy. She's heard all about how Taeyong bought it for him, and believes it's a wonderful gesture. "For example, you tend to worry about if your friends actually want to be your friend, right? And if they want to talk to you. But a lot of the time, them not talking to you could be because your mind is withdrawing itself away from them. Have you ever thought about it like that?" Doyoung shrugs again. "So, what I mean is that instead of focussing on the conversation and joining in and feeling good about it later because you remember all the jokes and fun topics, your mind is unfocussed and leads you down the path of anxiety with these instrusive thoughts. As a result, you don't engage in the conversation and you feel worse off, which leads to worrying even more."

"It's a vicious cycle." Doyoung states. Daeun claps her hands with excitement at his use of the term she so loves.

"Exactly! Like all the arrows you add when you write it out. One thing leads to another and exacerbates the entire issue." The therapist nods, pleased with Doyoung for identifying what's going on. "Have you written that down?" Doyoung shakes his head as he scribbles.

"Can you summarise that, then?" Daeun leans back in her chair. It sets Doyoung on edge when she asks that of him. Every time, he fears doing it wrong, of getting into trouble for misunderstanding something.

"When I'm sat with my friends at college, I start to worry about if they like me or whatever. My mind is focussed on those worries instead of the conversation. But if I focussed on the conversation, I could engage and talk to my friends and feel good about it later, and I would no longer worry about them not wanting to talk to me because I had a nice conversation with them." Doyoung speaks slowly, glancing at the woman every few words, and her smile never drops off her lips. There's silence as he thinks, and as she gives him time to do so. "But how do I focus on the conversation when my mind is always all over the place?"