Not This Time

Chapter 1

"What did they do to you doctor?"
"How many lives have you had?"

The Doctor fingers the fob watch nervously. If she were to open it, what would happen? She doesn't want to be transformed into an entirely new person. This past Doctor that her so called 'mother' spoke of, she sounded awful. Why would she ever work with Division? They almost destroyed the universe just a few days ago with the final flux event. The Doctor is lying on her bed, mulling things over, staring at the ceiling. Answers are all that she craves. She's not who she thought she was and in her hands lies the key to unlocking all those memories, she could finally know where she came from, how many people she has been. That kind of knowledge is exhilarating but also terrifying. She fingers the outer shell of the fobwatch and without thinking she reaches her fingers out to prise it open....

"Doctor?" Yaz bursts into the room suddenly, making The Doctor sit up on her bed.

"What is it?" she asks nervously, she really hopes it isn't another catastrophe, she's had enough of those in the past few days to last at least three lifetimes, after that she would probably get bored.

"It's Dan, he's trying to fiddle about with the TARDIS"

The Doctor laughs, grateful for a distraction. A while ago she would have been furious at anyone for laying a finger on her precious TARDIS, but Dan is far too harmless to do any damage.

She leaves her room and walks down the hall with Yaz until they get to the main control room. Yaz rolls her eyes when they get there and see that Dan has spilt tea on one of the control panels.

Yaz runs off to get some napkins and The Doctor opens a hatch in the TARDIS and drops the fobwatch into it. She hears the dead, clunking sound of metal on metal. "Keep this safe for me, make sure I never find it" The Doctor whispers, then adds "unless I ask nicely"

"Who are you talking to?" asks Dan.

"Oh, you know me" says The Doctor "always talking to myself"

Dan smiles assuredly "Right, I almost forgot"

Yaz jogs back with the napkins and begins to mop up Dan's mess. The Doctor leans on the edge of the control panel and stares into space. She lets her thoughts take her for the first time in a while.

"Beware the forces that mass against you, and their master"

"Doc?" asks Dan "are you alright?"

The Doctor brushes herself down. "I'm fine" she says a little too quickly "just tired, that's all" she doesn't sound too convincing but Dan decides to leave it, he doesn't want to upset The Doctor.

"Can you stop drinking tea in here?" says Yaz, scrubbing Dan's tea off various levers and gadgets.

"Okay fine" he puts his hands up as if surrendering. Dan just wants everyone to get along and be a family, like the doctor says but sometimes he can't keep the peace.

The doctor herself is still leaning against the control panel with a far-off look on her face.

Yaz can see that the doctor is sad but doesn't know what to do, it has always been the doctor reassuring her, not the other way around.

"Are you alright doctor?" asks Yaz, she does worry about the doctor sometimes, it can't be easy doing what she does. She also has been having secrets feelings for the mysterious time lord but no one can ever know about that, Yaz reminds herself.

"That's what I said!" exclaims Dan "you do look a bit nervous"

The doctor can't take this anymore, she knows her friends are only trying to help but she feels too overwhelmed at the moment.

"It's fine" she says, trying her best to keep a smile on her face "I just need some alone time that's all"

Yaz nods, understanding. "It's got nothing to do with you guys" the doctor blurts out awkwardly "you're my fam! I really care about you, I just have some stuff I need to figure out, that's all"

Yaz and Dan have never had to question their whole sense of self, their whole identity. They both know exactly where they came from and who their family is, so they can never understand what their alien friend is going through. Still, they both nod and let the doctor leave. As she walks down the hallway she does awkward finger guns at Yaz and Dan. She doesn't know what she'd do without them.

Suddenly and unexpectedly, a new voice enters her mind.

That's what you always say, then you go and lead them to their death.

The doctor shakes her head in an attempt to shake the voice away. The faces of past companions are burned into her mind. This time is different, she tries to reason with herself. But that voice is back, telling her that this time is no different from all the times that came before. It's her job. She lets people down. 

The doctor turns the handle of her bedroom door. As soon as she flops down on her bed she realizes that getting rid of that stopwatch within the bowels of the TARDIS was the right decision. She doesn't need to chase the past, she has everything she needs right here in the present.

Eventually the doctor does get up, she needs an adventure, she decides. Something fresh and new to take her mind off the past. Why introduce new memories when it's already a struggle to push down the ones she already has?

She strides into the main control room with a new purpose. She's going to prove to Dan and Yaz that she isn't broken, she's still fun, she's still the same person she was when they began their adventures together. And in doing so she will prove it to herself too.

"Hey guys!" the doctor says, smiling. Dan and Yaz look up abruptly to catch sight of the doctor with her hand on one of the TARDIS's many levers.

"You ready for an adventure?"

And with that she pulls the lever and sends the TARDIS moving through time and space faster than the speed of light.