Not This Time

Chapter 5

Doctor's POV

I can't believe that after all this time I've found Rose Tyler again. It feels so good to be kissing her. I thought about kissing her many times when we were travelling together but I didn't want her to fall in love with me because what if my next regeneration didn't love her the same way?

I'd have to watch her die while I lived forever. I couldn't do that. I never let myself love her because there were too many risks.

But now I don't care anymore, I still love her just as much as I always did, maybe even more. And maybe I'm more reckless than I used to be and maybe I like it.

She can feel my hearts beating underneath my shirt, I know she can. She looks up at me and I stare into her eyes. God I love her.

"It's really you" she whispers. I'm so happy that she finally knows it's me.

"Yes" I say, I smile at her "how long has it been for you?"

Rose bursts out crying "Five years"

That's not long at all. Well, not as long as I expected it to be. But it's still a while for a human.

"I'm sorry I ever left you, I just wanted you to be safe" I say. I know I made the right choice leaving her here, I had to protect her from the cybermen. But then why do my hearts feel like their about to break?

"I thought you were never coming back"

"That was the plan"

"I'm so glad you didn't stick to it"

"Me too"

Things have changed a lot since I last saw Rose. I've figured out that I have hidden memories from when I worked with Division and I'm not who I thought I was. That other me, who is she? I know she's my past but why don't I remember her?

An image of the fobwatch flashes into my mind. I look down at Rose's smiling face. I won't complicate things by telling her about everything that's happened recently that's making me question who I am.

I want to be the same cocky, confident Doctor I was when we travelled together. I want to show her that I can still be fun and adventurous like I used to be despite everything I've been through.

I wish I could forget all about the  fob watch and what The Master told me on Gallifrey but I can't, that conversation will forever be burned into my mind.

Yaz's POV

"She's been gone for a while, should we go after her?" asks Dan.

"Sure" I say. I don't want to miss out on whatever adventure The Doctor's going to lead us on today. I wonder why she ran after that blonde girl, she's probably a friend of The Doctor's. The Doctor is literally friends with everyone, so I wouldn't be surprised if she knew this girl somehow as well.

"Come on slowcoach" I call back at Dan. He runs after me and we both run along the beach until I catch sight of that blonde girl and The Doctor standing at the end of the beach beside a pebble path.

"Hey" I call over at them "you weren't just gonna leave us back there were you?"

As I get closer I can make out The Doctor's expression. She looks...happy. Like, actually really happy. She's smiling down at that blonde girl and I can't help the pang of jealousy that erupts in my stomach. I know she would never like me the way I like her but it still hurts to think of her with someone else.

The Doctor turns to look at me, still smiling "Of course not! Yaz, Dan, this Rose Tyler. She's...an old friend" The Doctor lingers on the word 'friend' for longer than she should.

"Hi" says Dan brightly "How do you know The Doctor?" Rose's gaze falls to the ground. 

"I used to travel with him-I mean her"

Rose blushes and so does The Doctor. There's no denying it now, they're definitely in love. I'm happy for them both, I really am, but I can't help thinking, what does this Rose girl have that I don't? I know I shouldn't be so selfish, I should be happy for The Doctor for finding her old girlfriend or whatever she is but I can't be, not when every time The Doctor says my name my heart does a summersault. 

"Actually" the doctor says. I'm dreading what's coming next "we might be more than friends" she smiles down at Rose and I think I might actually be sick. I have to remind myself to stay calm and try to be mature about this.

Rose smiles too "I hope so"

I can't do this anymore, I thought I meant something to the doctor, I thought there was a slim chance that she might return my feelings for her. I see now that I meant nothing to her. Our shared moment in the TARDIS after she saved the universe a few days ago meant nothing. 

"I can't do this anymore" I say, I can't hold in my feelings for a second longer "did our relationship mean anything to you?" I look at the doctor, who looks taken aback.

Rose is even more surprised, she stares between me and the doctor as if trying to work out some kind of puzzle. I can't take this charade anymore. I push past Dan and run back down the beach before anyone can see the tears rolling down my cheeks.

Doctor's POV

I watch Yaz running down the beach. I don't know where she's going but I have the overwhelming urge to run after her. What did she mean about our relationship? Suddenly realization dawns on me, how could I have been so stupid? She has feelings for me.

I don't know what to do to get out of this mess, I don't want to have to chose between Yaz and Rose, their both beautiful so it would be an impossible decision anyway.

Deep down I know I should leave this parallel universe right now and then bring Yaz back to the right universe. I need to stop kidnapping girls and ruining their lives. I just get so lonely sometimes, I hate being alone with my thoughts, the things I've done.

But I have to make this right. I don't know exactly how to fix this at the moment but the least I can do is be there for Yaz. 

"Excuse me for a sec" I say to Dan and Rose. Then I run down the beach after Yaz. I suddenly remember where this place is, it's Bad Wolf Bay, the place where I abandoned Rose all those lifetimes ago. I'm not about to do the same thing to Yaz.