Maybe I'm still battling
With my own identity issues
And I had to use
you
To act out
Because a broken person
Can't love someone else
They say that ignorance is bliss
And they were right
Because this is worse
Than if
I had never met you
If I had gone on
Living in denial
Being the sweet
Faithful housewife
That I never imagined I would be
Before you showed me
What my body was capable of
And taught me
It was ok to ask for what I wanted
And that I wasn't needy
You loved all my kinks
And were happy to oblige
My every fantasy
I remember the night
We stayed up the whole time
Smoking and drinking wine
Or at least I was
You always preferred
Your vodka and soda drink
And I still can't bring myself
To hate you at all
I think
I was just thrilled
You'd give me the time of day
Because everything was perfect
And I'm just amazed
That you let me in
This life of yours
Like it was a sneak peak
Into something more
But me
gripping your jacket tighter
Makes you pull away harder
And I don't know
What this is
I don't know if it's love
All I know now
Is I was better off
as I once was
But I still
can't bring myself
To love him the same
I lay awake
After he finishes
And touch myself
Thinking of your lips
And the way you
Controlled my body
And fucked me like
He never has
And you still control me in a way
I'm a stranger to myself now
And I can't keep
The thoughts of you at bay
I always thought I was a woman
Who would never define her worth
By the love of a man
And now I find myself torn between two
And I am
The very person I always hated
Because now I'm a cheater
And it's not fair
To anyone involved
That I can't bear
to choose
Because he keeps punishing me
In a way that makes me
Want to run back to you
But I can't for fear
Of what others may say
So instead I lay in the tub
And push my head underwater
And scream until my throat and my lungs
Feel empty and hoarse
And I drink myself silly
Continuously pouring
Until all the memories and smiles
We shared
Go away for a second
And when he slams me against the wall
I tell myself I deserve it
Because I know that I'm guilty
Of thinking of you
Constantly
Of missing you
Continuously
Of being unfaithful
Thoughtfully
Maybe it's still too new
Too raw, too emotional
I don't know how to
Get over it
at all
YOU ARE READING
Identical Hearts
PoesíaThis is a collection of my poetry that I've written over the years. Stories of survival, love and loss, heartbreak and heartache. Keep reading they get better with time..
