Contemplative Sensitivity

Saint Carolina Orphanage

Ellen was sixteen when she met Erwin Swanson.

At sixteen, what did she know? She had a basic understanding of mathematics, a proficient understanding of chemistry and an excellent understanding of sex. At sixteen, she was hot headed and eager to please; she hardly attended her classes; she smoked blunts to numb the pain from the reality that her mother was dying of Leukemia. 

One day, she cut class with some of her friends and they walked to a park. They lit each other's cigarettes and puffed and blew. They laughed about something simple. And then, like magic, Erwin Smith and his buddies appeared before them. Immediately, Ellen fell smitten as Erwin was your average bad boy. He was blonde, green-eyed, tall and  handsome. He had rebellion in his posture and excitement on his lips. 

At first, they only talked. She gave him her number, and sometimes they'd chat for hours at night. Then they started meeting up and Ellen's attendance dropped significantly. They'd meet up behind dumpsters or in abandoned buildings, and Ellen would spread her legs and let Erwin inside. Orgasms felt more than amazing...they made her feel alive. Due to her absences, the school called her house to inform her parents and her father wasn't happy. 

One day, her father confronted her about it. 

"Why aren't you in class? Don't you realize that education is important, girl?" 

"School isn't worth shit, Papa! Doctors go to school for twelve years, yet cancer still has no cure!" 

"You stupid girl! Is that boy so important, Ellen? Is he more important than your promise to your mother to fulfill your dreams. You need education! Let this boy go! He will ruin your life and then leave you!" 

Her father's words meant nothing to her. Erwin was the best thing to happen to her. He would't ruin her life! As far as she knew, her life was in control. It didn't matter that sometimes Erwin drank too much and called her names. It didn't matter that sometimes he'd force himself on her. It didn't matter that he constantly asked her for her allowance money. Ellen loved Erwin and she was sure he loved her. Love would make him change, she told herself. Six months into the relationship, Ellen became pregnant with her first child.

The pregnancy changed many things for her. She was expelled from school and her father was so ashamed he stopped speaking to her. Ellen's bedridden mother wasn't particularly happy about the pregnancy, but she didn't regard Ellen like a ghost. Her friends stopped coming around. She was forced to get a job. A depression consumed her and Ellen began eating to overeating to compensate.  At first, Erwin's temperament was moderate, but as he noticed her excessive eating and weight gain, he became mean.  He called her fat and slow and she'd cry and cry her eyes out. Things didn't improve when her daughter was born. 

Ellen told her family that she'd get her GED so she could go to school. She wanted to be the best mother she could be. Her promise caused her father to smile; he hadn't smiled in months. Her mother, who often rocked the baby to sleep, told her that it wasn't ever too late to get her life on track. The only person who discouraged her was Erwin. He preached that only bad mothers leave their children to attend classes. He swore that his income would be enough to sustain their little family. He made her quit her server job and demanded she stay to look after their baby. Ellen was terrified of being a bad mother, so she foolish believed that he'd step up to the plate and decided against furthering her schooling. 

Erwin was able to keep his job for a while, but then he was fired for drinking on the clock. Before the birth of their daughter, his alcoholism hadn't bothered her before but she realized how it could be a problem. Babies needed love and stability and its hard to provide either without the means or emotional range.  One day, as she looked into her baby's green eyes, Ellen began sobbing. Her sweet child deserved nothing but the best, but Erwin was proving to be the worst.