Contemplative Sensitivity

Loser

Three days after the funeral, Farlan was officially discharged from the hospital. Less than twenty four hours after that, he was admitted to a mental hospital. He was supposed to be on bed rest at home, but instead he had written a suicide letter and drank a pint of bleach. Mr. Church found Farlan slumped against his bedpost, with blood coming out of his nose, and barely conscious.

After that, Levi, who had said a few words here and there after the initial tragedy, stopped speaking entirely. Everyone was concerned about him, as it was rare for an adult to become mute. He was beginning to look smaller and frailer, and it was as if he was trying to fade from the forefront of everyone's mind.

Erwin was at a loss. His worry for his friends was straining his mental health. He wanted to grieve; he wanted to be there for his family; he also wanted to be the best teacher he could be, and he prayed that his students wouldn't find anything amiss. Unfortunately, one student seemed to pick up that he wasn't himself. Her name was Mikasa Ackerman. Her eyes would linger on his movements in a sort of all-knowing manner that made Erwin uncomfortable.

One day, about two weeks after Levi's onset of silence, Erwin was going through the motions of teaching his class. He was teaching his students about the marvel of cnydarians. When the lunch bell rang and his students filed out, Erwin sat down at his desk and had to fight sleep. He was thinking about asking Nile, Mike and Levi out to go bowling when he saw someone standing in peripheral vision. The figure, he realized, seemed to have been standing there for a minute.

"Are you alright, Mr. Smith?"

She had the darkest gaze he had ever seen. Her eyes were so black and bright that Erwin wondered if they could pierce through skin and bone. She had a hungry look in her eyes--forever searching for unattainable answers. She was not a vexing child, but neither was she a curious one. She was quiet without the brood; incredibly smart, but not entirely immersed in the classroom shenanigans. Erwin had heard from other faculty members that this child had lost her mother and father in a house fire, so he excused her detached mannerisms for the sake of tact. When she asked him if he was okay even after the lunch bell dismissed the students, he was taken aback that she'd even bothered with him at all.

"Oh, Mikasa, I didn't see you there," Erwin blushed and ran his hand through his blonde hair. "Do you need something? I don't want you missing your lunc--,"

"Are you alright?" She repeated with a tender look in her eye.

"Wh--yes! I am. I'm sorry. I was just a bit distracted just now." Erwin stammered. "I hope my behavior hasn't worried you."

Mikasa stared at him long enough to make him squirm before she spoke, "I wanted to know because you've had a sad look on your face for a few days. No one else has noticed but me and my two friends, but they didn't want to ask you because they figured it wasn't our business. But if you're sad, Mr. Smith, you shouldn't let it build up inside of you. That's what my father used to say, " she turned from him and began to walk away, "I'm going to lunch now. See you tomorrow. And feel better."

He was astonished, mildly impressed. He couldn't believe that other students could sense his disquiet mind. He couldnt remember being so empathetic at their age. He watched Mikasa walk away. Her jet black hair was long; she was the only girl in his science courses that had hair that went a bit past her waist. She walked with her head up, her shoulders didn't sag, but there was a lag in her step. It was the only thing about her to him that humanized her. It was the only thing about her that reminded him of Levi--while his turmoils resided in his gaze.

"You too, Ms. Ackerman," He called after her. His voice was kind. "You feel better too."

She didn't stop walking, but Erwin noticed that she clenched her hand. Erwin's words meant something deeper to her.

Later on that day, after he finished grading some papers, he called Mike and Nile and asked if they would like to go bowling in the next few days. Nile agreed, but Mike was hesitant. His work schedule was sporadic so he told Erwin that he might not be able to make it out but only time would tell. He dialed Levi and left him a voicemail; Erwin could only hope that his brother would show up.

A few days later, Erwin drove to pick up Nile. Mike couldn't bowl after all.

"Cecily says hello," Nile tipped his hat. "Thanks for tonight. I've been itching for some fun in the midst of all this tragedy. At home, Cecily has been acting kind of strange and I can't escape the depressing atmosphere by dialing Farlan to hang anymore. Man, this just fucking sucks. Do you know if Levi is coming out tonight?"

"Not sure," Erwin mumbled. "I left a voicemail. I'll stop by the apartment anyway though. Levi needs a night out as much as we do."

"Yeah," Nile said thoughtfully. "I just can't believe Isabel is gone. You know, she had the biggest crush on Levi."

"What?" 

"You couldn't tell? She might have been tomboyish, but her feelings for Levi were so obvious," Nile continued. "I didn't know it, though. I don't have the intuition for the kind of thing. Cecily is the one who mentioned it it to me. Cecily had a feeling that Isabel was going to tell him one day...and I kind of hope she did before she passed." 

"Why?" Erwin asked strangely. "I think if she told him, I think it would have fucked him up because she's no longer of this world. I'd be devastated if someone told me that they loved me and the universe decided that their time was up."

Nile shrugged. "True, but you never know when it will all end. How do you think older couples feel when the love of their life dies? It's not about confessing and then dying, Erwin. It's about not confessing and dying. Does that make sense? At the very least, Isabel's feelings would have come across. Love never dies, dude." 

"You're sounding oddly poetic tonight." Erwin smiled despite himself. 

"It's better than sounding depressed." Nile rolled his eyes. "Maybe I'm also trying to encourage you to tell Levi that you love him."

"He already knows," Erwin said weakly. 

"Erwin, I'm not talking about as a brother. I know you've got a crush on him and dude, I don't care. If you're gay or straight or bisexual, I don't care. I only care about your happiness. You never know when your last chance will be," Nile said quietly. "You never know if someone will take him from you." 

Erwin pulled up to the complex and took notice that the bedroom light was on. His brother was awake. He honked rapidly twice and sure enough Levi meandered out. He had a newer sharper look to him, as if he was on guard. Erwin noticed that Levi's jeans were a bit stained with paint. Perhaps he was working on a commission?

"How are you, Levi? " Nile asked nicely.

Levi shrugged.

They drove the rest of the way in silence, and they bowled with few words to spare. Erwin and Nile exchanged a few laughs and Levi managed to smile. Erwin couldn't help but think about what Nile had said, but he was afraid. He knew he was in love with his adoptive brother but he didn't know of Levi's feelings. Before Levi'd be his lover, he was family. 

Erwin didn't want to lose family.